Thursday, December 07, 2006

People often have this misconception that older singles are just being picky. I know I’m really open-minded and always give guys a fair chance, but sometimes that criticism starts to put doubt in my mind. I start to wonder what I did or what I am doing wrong to be in this situation. When people keep giving you advice on how you should be acting in order to get married, you start to believe that it must be your fault and that can really get in the way of doing what you should be doing which is staying positive and not falling into despair.

Sometimes I look around and see what's out there. Of course I don’t want to say that all the good guys are taken, but truthfully, sometimes it does feel that way. The thing is that I have no doubts that men feel the same way about the single women. But it doesn’t make sense to me. If the good guys think all the good women are already taken, and all the good women think all the good men are taken, why aren’t the good men and good women meeting up?

Someone forwarded me a great article this morning that I wanted to share.

What I realized is that it’s probably not only the singles that have the problem described in this article, in fact lots of people must. When people who got married easily, at a young age, criticize or "give advice" out to singles, they often don’t realize how difficult it is for a mature self-aware adult to accept the choice of potential spouses they are faced with. These people are used to their own spouse and their friends spouses and don’t realize that we are dealing with a completely different reality.

I think singles out there who read this will be somewhat comforted by it and I hope others who read this will get a bit of insight into the situation we’re dealing with with.

Why Are All the Good Hubands Already Taken?
By Aron Moss

Question:
Here is the dating paradox: Why are all the good guys already taken? Why are my friends' husbands all such wonderful people, and the guys I meet all seem to be missing something?

Answer:
It's not that the good guys are taken--it is that a "taken" guy is more desirable. Loving and being loved brings out the best in us. So a guy in a relationship does have something that the available guys are missing--someone to love.

A painting will always look better once it is framed and hung on the wall. A couch is far more attractive in a home than in a showroom. And people are more beautiful when they have found love. The human soul is only truly itself when it has opened up to someone else.

When we love someone, we are more alive. Our feelings are more vivid, our sensitivity is heightened and our personalities flourish. When we are loved by someone, we feel more confident and free, content and complete.

We can share love with our family and friends, but until we find our soulmate we are only half a person. It is when man and woman come together that they are the image of G-d, they are complete.

You can't go furniture shopping in someone else's living room. And you can't compare the guys you date to your friends' husbands. A complete person doesn't need you. A half seeking their missing half does.

Feel your halfness, and recognize the halfness in another. Then you'll find there are plenty of wonderful guys out there. One is waiting for you. Without you, he's only half the guy he could be.

17 Comments:

At Thursday, December 07, 2006 1:58:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know that he's from Sydney, right?

 
At Thursday, December 07, 2006 7:43:00 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

my husband? can you ship him over?

 
At Thursday, December 07, 2006 10:25:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey mookie
look for potential
like midos
remember you cant change a nature but you can change habits.
B"H bekorov

 
At Thursday, December 07, 2006 1:13:00 PM, Anonymous dayzd said...

RABBI MOSS!!
Hes da coolest Rabbi ever!!!

 
At Thursday, December 07, 2006 6:09:00 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Please, please M00ks, don't let stupid people get you down! You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself and G-d.

You just send the idiots to me, I'll deal with them...

 
At Thursday, December 07, 2006 7:35:00 PM, Blogger bellanny said...

i'll file that message away...i'm it'll come into use later when my younger sister gets engaged and all my relatives and family acqaintances decend upon me

have faith...hopefully in the end you will see that he was more than worth the wait

 
At Thursday, December 07, 2006 7:40:00 PM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

They are not all taken! We gotta believe that.

 
At Friday, December 08, 2006 7:37:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Intelligent response, I know I used to feel attracted mostly to women wearing a sheitel as a bachur, now this 'bias' has completely disappeared.

 
At Friday, December 08, 2006 10:08:00 AM, Blogger Maven said...

it's so interesting you are posting this, b/c i just had a talk with a friend who got married "older" (she was 32).

she said her rabbi told her to look for the one or two qualities she HAD to have in a husband. no man is going to meet all the things on your "wish list." pobody's nerfect.

and i disagree with reb yingerman. you can't go into a marriage expecting to change ANYTHING about your spouse. you have to accept him "as is."

all this being said, i wish you a lot of mazal v'hatzlacha.

 
At Friday, December 08, 2006 1:30:00 PM, Anonymous ahmed from quebecistan said...

the mountain must go to mohammed

 
At Saturday, December 09, 2006 6:40:00 PM, Blogger Sara with NO H said...

lol Kasmaba I'm shipping all my idoits to you too! The advice I always get is if you stop looking it'll come to you. Don't listen to that advice lol. But have fun with it...
And the word verififaction says "stuck" Jerks lol

 
At Sunday, December 10, 2006 12:31:00 PM, Blogger nuch a chosid said...

on some guys (or gals) you don't see them in the true light of their beauty and charachter, until u see them in action on stage, in a relationbship.
so one of them guys-gals that don't seem so great to you now, may indeed be a hidden gem, my advice, look good, spot 'em, grab 'em and polish 'em they'l shine even more then your friedns spouse

 
At Sunday, December 10, 2006 7:13:00 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Very interesting point..
i guess one way of testing this would be to see how married men and single women match up..or vice versa...lol

 
At Sunday, December 10, 2006 10:13:00 PM, Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

Excellent point Mookie

 
At Monday, December 11, 2006 8:12:00 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

yingerman..
saying: "look for midos" is like saying "be happy".. i dont get that advice. what else would a normal mature adults look for?

dayzd..
apparently he is :)

kasamba..
with pleasure. and youre right.. i dont feel i owe them anything.. but sometimes i take them more seriously than i should!

bellanny..
thats what im counting on :)

socialworker/frustrated..
thats what the article says :)

pragmatician..
did you actually say(type) that out loud? :)
anyway this isnt really about externals. married men just seem more... manly, whereas single guys always seem so.. lost..

Maven..
i completely agree about not wanting to change anything. no matter how much poeple change.. most changes are barely noticeable to the outside world.
this isnt so much about poeple changing. i think its just about people finding "their place" and that makes them more desireable

ahmed from quebecistan..
uhm..am i supposed to be the mountain or mohammed?
my rabbis have said im the mountain.. but the regular folks keep trying to fool me into beleiving im mohammed!

Sara with NO H said...
i never get that advice either :) so if i stay right here blogging.. hes gonna come crashing thru my window?
i agree.. bad advice :)

nuch a chosid..
i agree.. but again.. thats good retroactive advice. spotting 'em is the problem, no?

david_on_the_lake..
ayayay! no comment :)

Lvnsm27..
thanks :)

 
At Monday, December 11, 2006 11:11:00 PM, Anonymous venus said...

Truly inspirational. I have to say, it is not only the 'older' singles who feel this way, but it is singles in general. It's just this nawing lonliness that is so frustrating.

My recently engaged friend's chosson told her- "you know it is the one, when

a. you can imagine waking up to this person every single day

b. you see the other as the parent of your children

c. you'd be proud to him/her off to your family and friends.

good one, no?

My problem is not that there are no good guys out there. I merely think I'll never find the guy with all the values who'll understand my complexities. It's all the difficult men that relate to my personality, yet that is exactly what I don't want.

Anyhow.. enough venting..We'll all find it someday. I just think how I'll look back in ten years and laugh how I worried so...

 
At Wednesday, December 13, 2006 12:09:00 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

interesting. good to think about.

 

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