Thursday, August 10, 2006

Last night I came home feeling pretty good but when I read about 15 soldiers who died, my mood plummeted, throwing me into a terribly sad and lonely mood.

Feeling good sometimes has the same effect as feeling sad or down - it leads to loneliness. Not having someone to share either of them with is so difficult. No matter how much I want to be self sufficient, its times like these that I realize why I need someone in my life.

So I read the news, and I searched on line for more information and the numbness I had built up to handle the situation in Israel started crumbling down.
And then I felt guilty.

The nerve I have. Im here, in my north American safe haven. Im not in a shelter, I don’t have a son fighting the war, im not facing enemies that want to annihilate me, I didn’t lose my home or my business, I don’t have children who wake up screaming from nightmares, I don’t have a loved one waiting at the border to enter combat.

I'm home, by my computer, drowning in self pity.

The gall I have of feeling sorry for myself, of feeling sad and scared and lonely.

And so I go back to reading the news.
I tell myself I need to focus on the issue at hand.. this isnt about me.

15 soldiers died.
I just repeat those words - and it doesn’t feel like anything
I read 15 books last summer
I have 15 pairs of shoes
The flight took 15 hours
I ate 15 cookies!
Its just words
How can the same words express something of that magnitude and something as mundane?
And so I feel guilty...

15 soldiers died!!
Feel IT dammit
This isnt about you
This is about them.
Its 15 widows,
15 fatherless families,
15 broken hearted girlfriends,
15 mothers who’s lives have ended,
15 sets of dreams and aspirations and hopes and potential cut short.
its countless people falling into despair, soldiers injured, lives ruined, people hurting.
..and it starts to really hurt.
But its not enough.
The guilt I feel is so much stronger.
So i look at picures.
I read stories, I listen to sad songs, I watch these on line montages and I start to feel my heart ripping out.

Oh no, what did I do? why did I open that pandoras box?
I cant handle it
Now I remember why the numbness was there to begin with.
My heart or my brain or my soul cant handle the magnitude of it, I dont know what to do with this pain, this fear.

I don’t understand how the people in Israel do it..
How are they living, how are they waking up and going to work and eating lunch and going for coffee and smoking a cigarette and going to movies and falling in love and playing guitar and baking cookies and hating and forgiving and living.
How do they do it??
How do they get past the pain and fear and the despair?

And so I went to bed last night feeling hopeless and helpless, lonely and afraid.

But this morning, when i woke up I said my morning blessings.. and I meant them.

Blessed are You Hashem, our G-d, King of the universe who gives strength to the weary.

I woke up this morning with renewed strength. a few hours of sleep, of near unconsciousness, and I woke up a completely different person with a completely different perspective and a completely renewed faith.
I woke up with energy to face the world, to face this war, to face the guilt of not being there and to face this chaotic existence.

Did you ever fall asleep completely exhausted or sad or lonely or drained or weak or hopeless, and then wake up the next morning with a fresh mind and soul ready to deal with life?
Isn’t it amazing?
I pray that we can, one day very soon, open our eyes to a bright morning where the pain and the fear and the loneliness feels like a distant memory of a difficult night.

19 Comments:

At Thursday, August 10, 2006 11:21:00 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Beautifully written! It's nice to feel good and somehow that feeling goes away when hearing bad news or thinking bad thoughts. It is a shame. "Hakol Zman Vaes"

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 12:20:00 PM, Blogger Neil Harris said...

"I pray that we can, one day very soon, open our eyes to a bright morning where the pain and the fear and the loneliness feels like a distant memory of a difficult night."

Most of us think this, you put it into words. Well done. Great post.

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 2:21:00 PM, Blogger FrumGirl said...

I am the same way. I can drive myself crazy, feeling the pain, feeling numb, bouncing off walls metaphorically, mind racing... needing a release from those darned negative feelings. I pour it out into words that I write. It helps me get it out so that I can relax better but not quite, I go to sleep upset. And then I wake up the next day ... ahhhhh birds are chirping, completely renewed, ready for a new day.

What is going on in Israel affects us, Mookie, but we hav to go on because those soldiers who died would want us to keep on living. It's important to remember that. Oh, and dont you dare beat yourself up for your needs and feelings. We all deserve happiness. Your situation, small in comparison (you say, not I) as it may be, is still yours to deal with. And you deserve to nurture yourself.

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 4:26:00 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

Unbelievable!

And i was just saying thank g-d i dont have to go through Heathrow today
what a mess

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 6:15:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you really get somewhere when you expand your scope beyond your own delineated senses. Your senses went to the deaths of the soldiers of your 'tribe', what of all the deaths totalled that day? or cumulatively?

It only works when you step back and look at the totality of the situation.
You resensitize yourself when you make a practical decision to help yourself and help someone around you make their life more sensitized. More awareness. Less unconscious. Less Us and Them.

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 10:38:00 PM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

you've written what i've been thinking.

we do what we can, keep praying for peace while getting on with our lives.

 
At Friday, August 11, 2006 7:44:00 AM, Blogger Also A Chussid said...

Well written…

The movie clip was very moving…

 
At Friday, August 11, 2006 8:27:00 AM, Blogger Eshet Chayil said...

I've been feeling it too. I think it's been having an impact on everyone, even those who can't show it.

 
At Friday, August 11, 2006 10:53:00 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

socialworker/frustrated mom:
yes.. thats the way it works..

neil harris
thanks, as long as we're all praying for the same things.. its bound to happen.. no?

frumgirl:
yup thats why i write about it. i dont think its anything new or shocking, its just that it helps me to verbalize my thoughts and feelings.
and youre right, it doesnt help anyone to beat themselves up..

limey2001
dont even get me started on that! im telling you, these are CRAZY times..

who knew a bottle of gatorade and an ipod would be the prefered choice of weapons for annihilating infidels..

anonymous:
i hear what youre saying, but i dont fully agree. theres a part of me that can see the situation as a global catastrophe and i have written about that and it really does affect me. people are poeple, sadness is sadness, disaster is disaster..
but at the same time theres a part of me that prioritzies my empathy and pain, and right now its focused on my brothers, members of my tribe, my family.
no one can be expected to feel the same way for a neighbour as they do for a sibling. and personally i think they would be wrong if they did.
its important to keep in mind the totality of the situation, but i refuse to seperate myself from my poeple. i think i am acting with full awareness, this is how i choose to allocate my feelings and sensitivities.

(ps why the anonymity?)

sarah:
yup.. we really dont have a choice.. but its good to remind ourselves..


also a chussid:
thank you. personally i cant watch it anymore, its heartwrenching

eshet chayil:
i agree, i dont understand how anyone could not be impacted..

 
At Friday, August 11, 2006 6:02:00 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Amazing Empathy....Its so hard to really feel that from news stories....
People adapt to anything..
I just wacthed a thing about the Holocaust and someone was saying (a survivor) a person can get used to anything...Even Aushcwitz

 
At Sunday, August 13, 2006 12:33:00 AM, Blogger Lady-Light said...

Haven't commented in a long time...this post really moved me. I try not to think about the wonderful young men who fell in this war...too often...because I get too depressed. I myself am a mother of sons, one of whom is still serving in the IDF. We need to make certain that they will not have died in vain, by being strong and finishing the job we set out to do.

 
At Sunday, August 13, 2006 1:27:00 AM, Blogger Lady-Light said...

and, btw, the photo on top is beautiful...

 
At Sunday, August 13, 2006 3:27:00 PM, Blogger notahottie said...

i'm crying. so true, so well written, and what a heart- wrenching video. it's so hard to find the right words to say, so i'll just let out my anger. WE HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING UNTIL WE GET RID OF ALL THE ANIMALS ON THAT SIDE OF THE WORLD, HIZBALLAH, PALESTINIANS, ANYONE WHO TRIES TO TORTURE US AND GET BACK (I SAY GET BACK BECAUSE WE ALREADY FOUGHT FOR THE LAND DECADES AGO AND WON) WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS!!!

 
At Monday, August 14, 2006 9:34:00 AM, Blogger Scraps said...

The numbness is a coping tool; if we didn't start to numb things out, the pain would be too much to bear on a day-to-day basis.

It's a wonderful feeling when you go to bed weary and wake up refreshed...but it's a horrible feeling when you went to bed knowing that you needed to wake up refreshed, and when you awake, you're still mired in that weariness.

 
At Monday, August 14, 2006 5:56:00 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

i'm comfortably numb
(pink floyd ripoff)

 
At Tuesday, August 15, 2006 12:11:00 PM, Blogger The Rabbi's Kid said...

mookie, fab writing, u got some real talent there girl. I think people get on with life because THEY HAVE TO. there is no other way.

 
At Tuesday, August 15, 2006 2:15:00 PM, Blogger EATING POETRY said...

What you said about how happiness can be just as lonely as sadness when you have no one to share it with, made me think of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrug where she deals with that a lot.

It's so interesting how sometimes we have to keep digging even at our own detrement just to feel something, until the pain is too much to bear, becasue feeling something no matter how painful is better than feeling nothing at all.

I like how you point out that you felt refreshed in the morning, how rest is healing and what seemed so intense the night before floated away with your dreams.

peace,
ep

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 12:31:00 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

david_on_the_lake,
lady-light,
notahottie,
scraps,
limey2001,
the rabbi's kid,
eating poetry :
thanks for your nice words and for your contributions. im going into cease-fire mode, so id rather not revisit this mood..but i appreciate all your comments.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 7:14:00 AM, Blogger Mimi said...

Real.

Amen to the closing.

 

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