Last night I came home feeling pretty good but when I read about 15 soldiers who died, my mood plummeted, throwing me into a terribly sad and lonely mood.

Feeling good sometimes has the same effect as feeling sad or down - it leads to loneliness. Not having someone to share either of them with is so difficult. No matter how much I want to be self sufficient, its times like these that I realize why I need someone in my life.

So I read the news, and I searched on line for more information and the numbness I had built up to handle the situation in Israel started crumbling down.
And then I felt guilty.

The nerve I have. Im here, in my north American safe haven. Im not in a shelter, I don’t have a son fighting the war, im not facing enemies that want to annihilate me, I didn’t lose my home or my business, I don’t have children who wake up screaming from nightmares, I don’t have a loved one waiting at the border to enter combat.

I'm home, by my computer, drowning in self pity.

The gall I have of feeling sorry for myself, of feeling sad and scared and lonely.

And so I go back to reading the news.
I tell myself I need to focus on the issue at hand.. this isnt about me.

15 soldiers died.
I just repeat those words - and it doesn’t feel like anything
I read 15 books last summer
I have 15 pairs of shoes
The flight took 15 hours
I ate 15 cookies!
Its just words
How can the same words express something of that magnitude and something as mundane?
And so I feel guilty...

15 soldiers died!!
Feel IT dammit
This isnt about you
This is about them.
Its 15 widows,
15 fatherless families,
15 broken hearted girlfriends,
15 mothers who’s lives have ended,
15 sets of dreams and aspirations and hopes and potential cut short.
its countless people falling into despair, soldiers injured, lives ruined, people hurting.
..and it starts to really hurt.
But its not enough.
The guilt I feel is so much stronger.
So i look at picures.
I read stories, I listen to sad songs, I watch these on line montages and I start to feel my heart ripping out.

Oh no, what did I do? why did I open that pandoras box?
I cant handle it
Now I remember why the numbness was there to begin with.
My heart or my brain or my soul cant handle the magnitude of it, I dont know what to do with this pain, this fear.

I don’t understand how the people in Israel do it..
How are they living, how are they waking up and going to work and eating lunch and going for coffee and smoking a cigarette and going to movies and falling in love and playing guitar and baking cookies and hating and forgiving and living.
How do they do it??
How do they get past the pain and fear and the despair?

And so I went to bed last night feeling hopeless and helpless, lonely and afraid.

But this morning, when i woke up I said my morning blessings.. and I meant them.

Blessed are You Hashem, our G-d, King of the universe who gives strength to the weary.

I woke up this morning with renewed strength. a few hours of sleep, of near unconsciousness, and I woke up a completely different person with a completely different perspective and a completely renewed faith.
I woke up with energy to face the world, to face this war, to face the guilt of not being there and to face this chaotic existence.

Did you ever fall asleep completely exhausted or sad or lonely or drained or weak or hopeless, and then wake up the next morning with a fresh mind and soul ready to deal with life?
Isn’t it amazing?
I pray that we can, one day very soon, open our eyes to a bright morning where the pain and the fear and the loneliness feels like a distant memory of a difficult night.