I dont beleive it!!

People love throwing around terms like emunah, bitachon, faith, trust…or giving generic advice like “you just need to have bitachon!”
(JUST?!) and for the longest time this kind of thing would drive me crazy. I thought I understood those terms but whenever someone would tell me to just have bitachon I’d cringe.. what a cop out piece of advice. It seemed so abstract, so empty, I just couldn’t internalize it.

Today, I try not to be one of those people who throws around terms like that.. but sometimes it really is JUST the right expression to use, the right feeling to have.

I once heard it explained to me this way :

Emunah is the belief that whatever happens comes from G-d. It’s being able to see the hidden hand of the “Craftsman” (אומן - oman) through His work.

Bitachon is the behavior that accompanies that belief, it implies acting in a way that demonstrates that you are 100% sure that whatever is going on is divinely guided. We accept that as long as we put in the effort do the right thing, then the outcome is in the hands of G-d.

The other day, I was talking to a friend and she started telling me how she is so stressed out about her children’s schools, the community, her husband , his job, their new house.. and all I could think was “Why is she freaking out?? Doesn’t she realize she cant control what school her kids will be accepted to, where her husband will work, how the community will treat them? Doesn’t she realize that she is only responsible for her efforts, the outcome is ultimately in G-d’s hands??” She then concluded by telling me that all she really wants is for things to go smoothly so she can do her avodat hashem in peace. At that point I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I asked her if she didn’t think that maybe her avodat hashem was to not freak out, to accept her challenges, to accept G-d’s decisions and to deal with them with love and be’simcha .... and that maybe she was missing the point?

The way I understand it, reading tehilim, praying, keeping the mitzvot are not an end in themselves, they're simply tools. The goal is to connect to Hashem, to get to know Him, to develop a relationship and to emulate Him. Keeping the mitsvot are tools we were given to help us connect. Reading tehilim helps me develop emunah and bitachon. Not being jealous helps me accept my lot. Keeping Shabbat reminds me that I am not the Creator, despite how much I feel like I spend my entire week creating. What’s the point of nitpicking on the details and the technicalities if I miss the whole point and panic whenever things don’t turn out the way I want them to!?

Having bitachon means that I behave in a way that shows that I accept what G-d decides for me, I welcome G-d's authority. I don’t freak out, I don’t panic, I don’t go crazy trying to control things.. I do my best, and I accept the outcome.

Now of course.. this is all
so
much
easier
said
than
done!

So here is my little bitachon story ..
A few weeks ago, when I was still job searching, I was called in to pass an exam for a potential employer. I was only alerted a few days before and the amount of material to study was massive. I procrastinated and panicked until I finally broke down and accepted that there was no way I’d have enough time to study and would inevitably fail the exam. I quickly skimmed over the material and figured it was pointless to bother studying since there was no way I'd learn it all.

Throughout the night I had this debate raging in my head that went something like this :

"It really is pointless to study - you know there is no way you can get through the material adequately enough to realistically pass this exam or ever get this job!"

"well sure, but passing an exam or getting a job isnt really in my hands, it's in G-d’s hands. As long as I do my part, I study, I show up at the exam, I write the exam, the results really are not under my control."

"oh puleeeeeez.. you actually beleive that?? what do you think is going to happen?! The answers wont just fall from the sky!! There’s no way you can pass this exam even if you study ALL night”

“So G-d can create the universe and sustain it, but He cant make me pass an exam if He wants to?!”

I finally just went to bed (me and all my voices) and figured I'd just deal with my upcoming failure in the morning.

In the morning the friend I drove to the exam with showed me a list of questions she had received from another friend who had taken the exam a few weeks earlier and we reviewed the questions to get an idea of what to expect. Of course I didn’t know any of the answers, but then again, I had assumed I wouldn’t, and didn’t bother too much with the reviewing.

Well, I’m sure that by now you must have figured out what happened. I went to take the exam and to my complete shock, as I turned over the sheet and read through the questions, I realized that this exam was IDENTICAL to the one my friend had shown me in the car. I had assumed I would fail and had barely paid attention to the answers, but now I realized I could have easily had a 100% on this exam if I hadnt been so convnced there was no way I could pass. If only I had had some emunah and acted with bitachon, I would have done my part, studied, and trusted that the rest would fall into place if it was meant to be. I answered those questions I recalled and hoped for the best with the rest. I have to say though that the amazing thing was the realization I had. It hit me as soon as I saw the exam - G-d had found a way to create the universe AND make me pass this exam. What a shock! I had lacked bitachon, pure and simple. I had assumed that there was something that G-d could NOT do and had acted accordingly. What an amazing lesson this was. I sat through the exam with a huge smile on my face, I didn’t care anymore if I passed or failed this exam, the lesson was worth so much more than any exam or job!
At this point in my life, I think I have finally internalized the meaning of these terms... the goal now is "just" to keep it at the forefront of my mind.