Sunday, June 04, 2006

fight! fight! fight!



"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
- Tyler Durden

I hate you.
I am so sick of you.
Why do you always mess everything up?
Such a failure.
Don’t you see, you can’t keep anyone close to you, you scare them away, you drive them away with your incessant whining and stupidity.
You’re annoying, you’re demanding, constantly nagging and spewing incoherent nonsense no one cares about.
Look around you, everyone is moving ahead in life. People are happy, people are going places, people are achieving things.
And you?? You?
You’re a lazy good for nothing! You're a failure
Look at how lucky you are, all the cards were stacked in your favour, and what did you do? Nothing! You’ve gotten nowhere! The worst part is that it's all your fault, there's no one to blame. You just can't get it right.
You make me sick.
You repulse me.
And you actually wonder why you’re alone.
I know you, I know you inside out, I know what you’re capable of and I know how much of a failure you are.
Such a waste.
Don’t you see how they all look at you?
Don’t you hear how they talk about you?
Don’t you know what they think about you?
Pity, shame, disappointment.
I just hate you so much!

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.” Sun Tzu

They say ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ but this enermy can't get any closer.
This cancerous enemy destroys me, devours me cell by cell, tears me down.
It lodges itself in the deepest crevices of my being.
Wherever a weakness develops, it plants itself; wherever a doubt arises, it hides.
It manipulates and outsmarts me and I keep feeding it, enabling it.
It suffocates me and I keep giving it room to grow. Its bigger than me.
It continually and ruthlessly hollers at me from within me.

"Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.” -Ezra Taft Benson

But, I’m so tired.
I just want peace and quiet.
I'm tired of the one step forward, two steps back.
I'm tired of the mental ruminations.
I'm tired ot the emotional flagellation.

When does approval overcome rejection? When does acceptance disable judgement? When does self love outsmart hate? When does inner harmony replace inner-discord?
When do I learn to push this enemy out?

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” - Lao Tzu

22 Comments:

At Sunday, June 04, 2006 8:52:00 PM, Blogger s.J. said...

oh my god.
were you that homeless lady i saw on the subway?








eqjhsjwi

 
At Sunday, June 04, 2006 9:47:00 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

no, that wasnt me!

but at the rate you're going, you lazy...

STOP THAT!

 
At Sunday, June 04, 2006 10:01:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

/me bends down and touches your feet in great respect

Childhood Friends

 
At Sunday, June 04, 2006 11:52:00 PM, Blogger FrumGirl said...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is so much I can say with regards to this post... my mind is racing!

Do you have an email address? We need to talk!

 
At Sunday, June 04, 2006 11:54:00 PM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

I love your questions, statements, and thoughts. All so powerful.

 
At Monday, June 05, 2006 12:27:00 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

anonymous, thank you - as usual -for the encouragement (altho, maybe we can skip the actual prostrating next time :)
beautiful poems as always, ill need to read them and reread them.
you know, the way you bombard me with information, ideas, perspectives leads me to beleive that you really think highly of my intellectual and coping abilities.. i dont know where you get that idea from, but i cant thank you enough.

frumgirl, youre telling me?! i thought putting it down on blog would help alleviate some of the mind racing..it hasnt, its just brought me a level deeper of thinking about it.. please feel free to email me anytime (go 'view my complete profile' and click on email :)

socialworker/frustrated mom: thank you. im not sure i always love the questions as much as the answers, but i love the thought processing and i definitely love sharing it. im glad you like.

 
At Monday, June 05, 2006 8:11:00 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

But, I’m so tired.
I just want peace and quiet.
I'm tired of the one step forward, two steps back.


seriously. i wish things would just be, be the way i want them to go for once.

but that was a lot to take in! i hope it helps to get it all out there.

 
At Monday, June 05, 2006 11:04:00 AM, Blogger Lakewood Venter said...

So much rage! so tense! so intense! It's good to get it out, I guess. I hope you are doing OK

 
At Tuesday, June 06, 2006 4:17:00 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Can I give you a cyber hug?

 
At Tuesday, June 06, 2006 4:23:00 AM, Blogger jim said...

My you are complex, that is some fierce battle raging, unbelievably effective post, I thought you were talking about me. Oh well, guess i'll live.

 
At Tuesday, June 06, 2006 12:25:00 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

Mookie,

you wrote from your heart
also from my heart
sounds so familiar
but I'm learning, learning, the way fwd -
You are no doubt on the way - I can hear it in your words
a sentence ive used often
one step forward - two steps back
i find the greatest way fwd is through action
i am a thinker - i want, dream, analyze, etc..
Action is more powerful - use it often
Remember this - i've learnt this from someone very insightful -
ACT immediately after you have a moment of inspiration - this will solidify the inspiration and turn it into something real....it will become part of you
instead of letting the powerful opportunity to grow - slide away through inaction..

 
At Tuesday, June 06, 2006 12:39:00 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Hmmmm
and I thought I had you all figured out.
This was an intense journey..but I was kinda hoping for more of a finality..
:-)

 
At Wednesday, June 07, 2006 12:25:00 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

Sarah:
i think it does help to get it out. gives me the chance to look at myself from an observer's perspective

LV:
yup, i'm doing ok. venting, it does a body good!

kasamba:
a hug?! how about a beer? :P

jim:
you heard tyler durden, i may be complex but im no snowflake.. or am i?

the only way i know:
you have no idea how true i think that is - action really is the key. im just starting to learn that. living in my head has gotten me this far, i wonder how much further ill get living in action.

david:
you thought you had me all figured out in under 15 blog posts? :) you heard jim, im COMPLEX :)
as for getting more of a finality, i'm still working on that.
if i had already reached the finale, i probably wouldnt still be caught up in the process..

 
At Wednesday, June 07, 2006 1:54:00 AM, Blogger Nemo said...

Are you winning or losing the battle?

 
At Wednesday, June 07, 2006 2:30:00 AM, Blogger the only way i know said...

Mookie -

have you noticed, we think similarly? lol

 
At Wednesday, June 07, 2006 9:12:00 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

nemo, i hope i'm winning. the enemy's been there since the begining of my socialization (or maybe even prior?) but its only recently that ive given it a conscious voice that i can repeat and analyze. i think getting to know my enemy has to be the first step in defeating it, no? it used to overpower me without me even realizing it existed. today, i stop myself and listen to it, hear it, accept it, and then try to deal with it. but, like i said, it often feels like one step forward, two steps back, the more aware i am of it, the sneakier it becomes.

the only way i know:
but im a beautiful and unique snowflake!!

 
At Wednesday, June 07, 2006 7:36:00 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

each snowflake is unique yet similar - and i'm beautiful too..

 
At Wednesday, June 07, 2006 7:44:00 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

not to worry Mookie - you are extremely individual...
life would be boring if we were all the same..
certainly blogs would be uninteresting..lol
G-d needs each of us to play a role
He would not have created two Mookies to fulfill one purpose..
You, Mookie - are a unique snowflake..
i recongnized your individuality...
even in the white blanket of snow..

 
At Thursday, June 08, 2006 2:01:00 AM, Blogger jim said...

"two Mookies to fulfill one purpose.." LoL, two jims would be a disaster. No, can only be one.

 
At Thursday, June 08, 2006 9:22:00 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

Are these quotes? Are you talking to someone,to something?
Perhaps you could try not hatin 'him' but his actions?

I don't really knwo what to write....

 
At Thursday, June 08, 2006 11:14:00 PM, Blogger Reasonably Nuts Frummy said...

I got to tell you anoymookie, you write beautifully and you thing even better. If I ever have the time to stop and bother my blog may start looking a lot more like yours. Right now, I'm too busy with real life. It's a lot healthy out there sometimes.

 
At Monday, June 12, 2006 5:55:00 PM, Blogger Scraps said...

Who the hell let you into my head?!

:-(

 

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