fight! fight! fight!

"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

- Tyler Durden

I hate you.
I am so sick of you.
Why do you always mess everything up?
Such a failure.
Don’t you see, you can’t keep anyone close to you, you scare them away, you drive them away with your incessant whining and stupidity.
You’re annoying, you’re demanding, constantly nagging and spewing incoherent nonsense no one cares about.
Look around you, everyone is moving ahead in life. People are happy, people are going places, people are achieving things.
And you?? You?
You’re a lazy good for nothing! You're a failure
Look at how lucky you are, all the cards were stacked in your favour, and what did you do? Nothing! You’ve gotten nowhere! The worst part is that it's all your fault, there's no one to blame. You just can't get it right.
You make me sick.
You repulse me.
And you actually wonder why you’re alone.
I know you, I know you inside out, I know what you’re capable of and I know how much of a failure you are.
Such a waste.
Don’t you see how they all look at you?
Don’t you hear how they talk about you?
Don’t you know what they think about you?
Pity, shame, disappointment.
I just hate you so much!

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.” Sun Tzu

They say ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ but this enermy can't get any closer.
This cancerous enemy destroys me, devours me cell by cell, tears me down.
It lodges itself in the deepest crevices of my being.
Wherever a weakness develops, it plants itself; wherever a doubt arises, it hides.
It manipulates and outsmarts me and I keep feeding it, enabling it.
It suffocates me and I keep giving it room to grow. Its bigger than me.
It continually and ruthlessly hollers at me from within me.

"Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.” -Ezra Taft Benson

But, I’m so tired.
I just want peace and quiet.
I'm tired of the one step forward, two steps back.
I'm tired of the mental ruminations.
I'm tired ot the emotional flagellation.

When does approval overcome rejection? When does acceptance disable judgement? When does self love outsmart hate? When does inner harmony replace inner-discord?
When do I learn to push this enemy out?

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” - Lao Tzu