Round 2

First of all, thank you all for your thoughts and concerns regarding my last blog post. I’m sorry if it sounded alarmist. Some of you have spoken to me privately asking if I’m alright. I am, thank G-d! Like I mentioned in the comments, I found it really helpful to step into an objective observer’s shoes and see myself and my inner struggles from that perspective.
This post is the continuation, it’s Round 2 of the boxing match!

I wrote my last blog post in 2 stages. The first one I wrote when the event I described actually happened. Feeling intense anxiety after an argument I had with a friend, I decided to jot down what was going though my mind. I wasn’t sure what I would do with it, but I just felt this impulse to record it. I’ve recently been trying to be more aware of these "inner fights" and I'vee been trying to catch them as they happen so I can manage them before they spiral out of control. I wasn’t sure what I would do with it, but without thinking I just started typing.

A few days later I went back to it, this time from a more objective, calmer point of view and reread it and I was amazed to find how disturbing it was. Even though I had said those things in my mind, and even though I had recorded them myself, reading it over was shocking.

This is how I speak to myself?! How sad!

Needless to say I felt perturbed by it, but I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by it. I decided to watch a movie a friend of mine had recommended a while back,
What the bleep do we know? I had heard from a number of friends that it was amazing and inspiring and I figured it would be a good way to step out of my skin and re-focus the way I was feeling.

I wont go into describing the movie. I found it complex, overwhelming, incredible, therapeutic, bewildering... I sat spellbound for 2 hours. There was so much information, such amazing graphics and such deep concepts in it. I’m sure I didn't internalize the bulk of it – but it left me speechless nonetheless.

The movie is controversial and has received opposite reviews. Some love it and completely relate to it, and others consider it complete trash. I just want to mention one part which I loved.

The movie brings up a study conducted by a Japanese researcher named Dr Masaru Emoto about the impact of thoughts, words and feelings on the shape of water crystals. His claim is that the shape of water crystals depends on which human thoughts and feelings were directed at the water before the water was frozen; depending on whether the thoughts were positive or negative, the crystals will turn out beautiful or ugly.
Here are some examples of what he’s found:

Water crytal that was exposed
to a label:
'You Make Me Sick. I Will Kill You'









Water crytal that was exposed to a label 'Love & Thanks'











Water crytal that was exposed
to heavy metal music











Water crytal that was exposed
to prayers

"If thoughts can do that to water, imagine what our thoughts can do to us"

Now, as amazing as this appears, I want to mention that the study is controversial. Dr. Emoto admits that he doesn’t necessarily use double blinding in his experiments, and his evidence is not conclusive according to traditional scientific methodology - but is that reason to dismiss it?

I guess if I was a scientist running my life like a lab, I might write it off.
But I dont want to live my life that way. I beleive there are lessons to be learned everywhere. Free will, the way I understand it, implies that there are no black and white clear-cut answers and proofs when it comes to matters of the soul. If anything is found to help me work on myself and grow, I know that there will be an equal pull in the opposite direction.

I don’t want to get into a whole issue here about science and/or free will, the point is that I think there is merit in the concept displayed in this study, even if it hasn’t yet been scientifically established.

Anyone who has gone through a few minutes of internal self bashing and emotional self mutilation cannot deny the harm it causes. You’re left feeling drained, empty, helpless and completely disconnected. Now, I tell myself, if this is what I feel after one internal fight, and if this is the impact words and thoughts (might) have on water, how much more so should I worry about the impact these thoughts and words have on my long term mental health and personal growth..

If I decided to internalize one thing this week, this is it. The idea isn’t new to me, but like with all my ideas and beliefs I try to continually revisit and re-internalize them on a deeper level. The visuals of these water crystals has given me an additional coping mechanism.

The body is made up in large part of water. Next time I start to feel bad about myself, I start to put myself down, I start to resent myself, ill try to picture, in my mind, all the water particles in my body. I’ll visualize them transforming from beautiful crystals, to broken, ugly ones. Ill try to make myself consciously aware of the damage I am creating. Ill try not to let myself be victimized and take the abuse passively, but ill stand up to ‘myself’ and take an active role in creating my reality.

Someone asked me in the comments on my last post whether I was winning or losing the fight. I don’t think the fight will be won or lost before I reach 120, but at this point, I’m aiming to win... one drop at a time