have a sweet shabbat..

uniquely familiar at each holy encounter
you parade in
escorted by sanctified procession

sweeping us in
crowning the mundane with harmony, peace, beauty

inching out
leaving behind void
and an aftertaste of heaven

it occured to me..
after a lot of questionning and thinking and wondering and discussing...
after dealing with a lot of strong emotions of frustration & rebelliousness
that maybe real emunah requires chutzpah..
maybe it's time to rechannel those angry feelings..

emunah means I believe that..
hashem created the world,
he runs the world,
it's all for the good...
but emunah ALSO means that He does NOT want me to suffer and go through hard times..

complete emunah means I believe in his compassion and in his true love..

so where is my real complete absolute emunah when i accept the pain,
when i accept the sadness,
when i start to give up on myself ,
when i start to doubt Him
or myself..
when i just dont have it in me anymore?

where is my emunah that he CAN and WILL take care of me?

do i just sit back and accept that it's all for the good?

or do I push to the next level and..
beg, plead, cry, believe and scream out for him to
stop the suffering?
stop the pain?
end the waiting?
stop the doubts and the sadness?

if i can grow through a nisayon..
you can help me get through it.. or better yet, get rid of it!

hashem, you don't want me to suffer.. i know it hurts you more than it hurts me
hashem, you don't want me to get further away, to give up, to despair
so...

please hashem..
enough...

ENOUGH..

I have emunah...I know you can.. I know you will..
I BEG OF YOU..
I DEMAND
fix it!