Saturday, August 04, 2007

it occured to me..
after a lot of questionning and thinking and wondering and discussing...
after dealing with a lot of strong emotions of frustration & rebelliousness
that maybe real emunah requires chutzpah..
maybe it's time to rechannel those angry feelings..

emunah means I believe that..
hashem created the world,
he runs the world,
it's all for the good...
but emunah ALSO means that He does NOT want me to suffer and go through hard times..

complete emunah means I believe in his compassion and in his true love..

so where is my real complete absolute emunah when i accept the pain,
when i accept the sadness,
when i start to give up on myself ,
when i start to doubt Him
or myself..
when i just dont have it in me anymore?

where is my emunah that he CAN and WILL take care of me?

do i just sit back and accept that it's all for the good?

or do I push to the next level and..
beg, plead, cry, believe and scream out for him to
stop the suffering?
stop the pain?
end the waiting?
stop the doubts and the sadness?

if i can grow through a nisayon..
you can help me get through it.. or better yet, get rid of it!

hashem, you don't want me to suffer.. i know it hurts you more than it hurts me
hashem, you don't want me to get further away, to give up, to despair
so...

please hashem..
enough...

ENOUGH..

I have emunah...I know you can.. I know you will..
I BEG OF YOU..
I DEMAND
fix it!

31 Comments:

At Sunday, August 05, 2007 1:18:00 PM, Blogger Jacob Da Jew said...

Whew!

I'm a firm believer in doing, acting.

Sitting around, waiting for things to get better, nah.

Go out, fight, scream, push, yell!

Whatever is bothering you, take concrete actions to deal with it. You will feel better, no matter the outcome.

All the best

jacob

 
At Sunday, August 05, 2007 2:40:00 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

but jacob, i demand from Him to fix it!
i've done my part, i AM doing my part.. but you know what.. He runs the world, not me, and things are not happening.. and i'm tired of sitting around telling myself its all for the good and He knows what he's doing..
if He wants to be in charge, then HE needs to make things better..
when you expect mediocrity, thats what you get..
i've decided it's time to get some chutzpa and demand that He make things better..
make any sense?

 
At Sunday, August 05, 2007 6:23:00 PM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

i like the attitude.

even when you feel that you've done what you can, there's likely always something more that can be done, that extra push... while still maintaining that emunah.

 
At Sunday, August 05, 2007 7:44:00 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Wow...Love the emotions pouring out of the words here...

"hashem, you don't want me to suffer.. i know it hurts you more than it hurts me
hashem, you don't want me to get further away, to give up, to despair
so..."

Tzadikim say...this is the key to davening.. Having in mind ..that whatever pains you pains Hashem infinitely more because we are limited and He is not..

 
At Monday, August 06, 2007 9:52:00 AM, Blogger Jacob Da Jew said...

I understand. Wish I could say more but you are right.

 
At Monday, August 06, 2007 11:10:00 AM, Anonymous Patrice said...

does he read your blog?

 
At Monday, August 06, 2007 11:18:00 AM, Anonymous anonym00kie said...

sarah.. what i realized is that demanding of Him to act IS emunah. I've always felt like emunah meant accepting what came my way - that is emunah.. but i dont think its complete.
emunah also means expecting that he will want me to be happy.

kids arent shy to ask their parents for anything, they EXPECT them to deliver, to feed them, clothe them, make their lunches, iron their clothes, buy them gifts.. it's all expected - they are completely dependent on their parents so it doesnt occur to them to go out and get their own food or do their own laundry..

why dont we have such complete trust and faith in G-d?

david - i dont think im quite at that level :) but i think i have to remember that He doesnt like to see me sad or crying or despair any more than i like it. like a parent, i know He wishes he could just fix it for me.. maybe He just wants me to really REALLY truly believe that He will fix it before he does..

patrice - without a doubt He does... but He's not the commenting type

 
At Monday, August 06, 2007 2:52:00 PM, Anonymous Patrice said...

poutine c'est bon

 
At Monday, August 06, 2007 3:33:00 PM, Anonymous Frum Funky Fab (slightly eidel) said...

Mooks, you're awesome, I'' keep saying it.

Usually when Hashem makes a situation we're not happy with, it's because there is something WE need to learn from the way things are.

Either we learn how to fix the situation, or we learn why things have to be that way, and the understanding brings acceptance.

My friend heard a rav say that when we daven we should be like a 5 year old asking their parent for a lollypop. You scream and holler and cry and don't take no for an answer. Then, on the other side of the coin, we shouldn't be pushing for specifics because He might say yes, and if we knew better we might not want what we are asking for, and He might give it to us since we pushed. We need to include a clause in our tfillot that we trust Hashem's wishes over over our own or else we could end up in hot water.

 
At Monday, August 06, 2007 4:18:00 PM, Blogger Sara with NO H said...

Very powerful post, indeed...

 
At Monday, August 06, 2007 5:15:00 PM, Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

Mookie, I know what you mean, I'm also trying to do my part and I pray for Him to help me.

 
At Monday, August 06, 2007 6:59:00 PM, Blogger Rebecca said...

Intense...I feel your pain.

 
At Monday, August 06, 2007 9:07:00 PM, Blogger The Dreamer said...

awesome, powerful post.

there's this niggling thought in the back of my head of a chazal that sets this point, but i can't seem to recall it at the moment...

 
At Tuesday, August 07, 2007 10:16:00 AM, Anonymous The Bear said...

Lvnsm27 said...

Mookie, I know what you mean, I'm also trying to do my part and I pray for Him to help me.

maybe you should pray for each other
its more effective....

 
At Thursday, August 09, 2007 3:32:00 PM, Blogger Scraps said...

I struggle with this, too, and have done so many times. I know what that feeling is like....

(((hugs)))

 
At Sunday, August 12, 2007 10:26:00 PM, Blogger Maven said...

i'm with you. it's hard. i remember reading a quote that said at the end of golus, keeping the faith will be very hard. faith will be like a cord strung around the world. we're all hanging on to it, but there will be malachim violently shaking it, and it will be so terribly hard to hold on. it feels like that sometimes, right? hang on tight, we're all together in this.

p.s. i hope i can find the actual quote sometime because i've been challishing to post it on my blog.

 
At Monday, August 13, 2007 4:12:00 AM, Blogger jewmaican20 said...

Talk about charged.
Rebbe Shlomo used to talk alot about Holy Chutzpah in his talks; before that, Rebbe Nachman and other spoke about Azas D'Kedusha. What exactly is that? It's a good question, but sometimes it's staring right back in the face of any adversity, and saying "I will not move. I am rootd here, solid like a rock, and I will prevail, no matter the cost."
In some cases, we are tested by God. We want to change, but it seems as if He's making it hard. by practicing this Holy Chutzpah, we show him that this is something we REALLY want, as opposed to mere lip service or because it's the "right thing"...
Lots of luck, m00k...

 
At Monday, August 13, 2007 5:13:00 PM, Blogger jjew said...

Mookie, there are several key sources in the Torah where people (primarily Abraham, Moshe, and Channah) "called G-d out" on things. It's an interesting dynamic, and I'm sure the Chassidic sources talk about it, you should check them out.

 
At Friday, August 17, 2007 11:16:00 AM, Blogger Mata Hari said...

I always wonder about this. You know...where it's crossing the line. I want to demand, and yet I want to be respectly, because there's also fear.
The example with the child (which I've read about) is slightly different. That's not chutzpah and anger, that's whining and pleading and being tenacious.
Anyway...if someone knowledgeable (in Torah) could be provide the appropriate words, I'd be happy to yell them :)

Good luck with your tefilos. May they be answered speedily and for the good.

MH

 
At Sunday, August 19, 2007 6:00:00 PM, Blogger yitz.. said...

i think you hit the nail right on the head... we need to understand we have the right to demand from HaShem..

 
At Monday, August 20, 2007 1:10:00 AM, Anonymous Arkasha said...

Very Breslover post, also very Martin Buberish, existentialistish. A similar idea is propounded by Prof. Walter Kaufman at http://skeptically.org/thinkersonreligion/id16.html
Belief boils down to crying out in pain, blasphemy, and a sense of humor. The test of true belief is not whether there are facts of nature to prove it but whether you can believe despite the facts of nature that contradict it. If you can communicate with God and feel intimate with him you believe, even if you deny every one of Rambam's 13 ikorei emuna.

 
At Monday, August 20, 2007 1:18:00 AM, Anonymous LilBT said...

I've always found that when things get overwhelming, besides davening, making some sort of concrete plan moving towards making things better or at least moving towards what "normal" used to feel like always helps. Also, a good run. Working out raises endorphens, so if you just have to wait it out until Hashem sets it to right, you can at least try and feel a little better during the process. A good run on a nice day can do surprising things. Keep your strong faith; it's truly inspirational.

 
At Monday, August 20, 2007 1:34:00 PM, Anonymous Judah Ben Levi said...

Youth. Swore to goodness. Spiritual pants
suffused with copper pennies & spiritual ants.
Filled with pennies pockets of heart
and put all money on spiritual art.

Above seventh heaven, no eighth,
and God being nowhere about,
delusions crawled from under faith
that carpet worn to holes by doubt.

And even when I changed my socks
they were somehow surveiling through
the shades my irises, and into locks
of my thoughts weaving ideas untrue.

By my pillow hovered seraphs, faeries
holding psychotropic pills
one glass vodka, half glass cherries
raised to conquer the windmills.

 
At Monday, August 20, 2007 11:07:00 PM, Anonymous Zevulun with a zayin said...

think having emuna is important enough but what is more important is thanking Hakodosh Boruch Hu for the great gifts he gave us. Perfectly working eyes: if you go to a hospital and visit somebody who is blind or undergoing an eye surgery they will give you a very inspirational speech on how blessed and lucky you are to have two functioning eyes. Thank you Hashem, you are so kind to us! Even things like shoes - you have comfortable shoe, give thanks to Hashem. Imgagine how uncomfortable and painful your day to day activities would be without any shoes, or if the shoes were too small and had holes in them. That is emunah and that is davening: singing praise to Hashem. That was the career of Dovid HaMelech, who said Azamra L'Hashem B'Chayay. And even when it's not going as good as you'd like you can find solace in all the great benefits and graciousness that He bstowed upon me. We say ledovid Hashem ori - Hashem is my light. Hashem is my lightbulb. I have a lightbulb in my house and that's Hashem's chesed; I see him in that lightbulb.

 
At Tuesday, August 21, 2007 10:38:00 AM, Blogger yingerman said...

"emunah ALSO means that He does NOT want me to suffer and go through hard times.."

Who says that suffering now wont get you something later, utopias dont exist in this world, everyone's got baggage.
God runs a very interesting world, where we, puny humans, understand very little.

 
At Tuesday, August 21, 2007 12:01:00 PM, Anonymous Breslover said...

Chachmei Yisroel z"l disagree with yingerman.
The Aibishter wills this world into begin according to the Torah every moment; and the Torah - lo bashomaiym he. What we "puny" creatures decided the Torah means is what He makes the world be. If anymookie paskens that she need not suffer - that means that a malach already got his orders to translate this psak into action.

Also, if we see suffering as evil it is an echo of His seeing suffering as evil because we are made betzelem Elokim. YKVK is kulo tov and rotzon haeliyon as it is ecompassed in chochma mitzad yemin desires absolute perfect bliss for the tachtonim every moment. And if not for the tzimtzum - or contraction of our seichel - we would feel the qualia of goodness which emanates from the shechina which nurses from rotzon haeliyon. So all we need to do is to expand our mind to see that we need not suffer, and that He thinks so too.

 
At Tuesday, August 21, 2007 12:08:00 PM, Anonymous anonym00kie said...

i am planning on responding to comments.. soon..
but thank you breslover.. youve articulated what i thought i understood.

yingerman..i have no doubt that suffering is for a reason, for the good and it will get me somewhere later.. but ive reached a point where i want g-d to find a different way of getting me there. he wants me to learn the lessons but he does NOT want me to suffer, im sure he wishes i would figure out what i need to figure out so he could stop the suffering.. so im asking him that in his loving kindness, he find a way to get me THERE without going THROUGH the suffering..

 
At Tuesday, August 21, 2007 7:41:00 PM, Blogger Lady Delish said...

did it work

 
At Friday, August 24, 2007 9:44:00 AM, Anonymous anonym00kie said...

Frum Funky Fab (slightly eidel)...
I agree that if I’m not getting what im asking for, as general as Im trying to make it, it’s because there is still some work to be done..
My point though is that I’m sick of waiting :)
I’m asking hashem to stop with that system, to have pity on me, and to just give me what I want because it’s becoming increasingly difficult to function without it.

The point of this post was that I’m ready to ask for what I don’t deserve only because I know that hashem can do it, and I’m counting on his compassion

Basically im being chutzpadik :)

Someone explained to me that there is such as a thing as a matanat chinam. It’s not something you deserve, and it wont come with the negative consequences of getting something you prayed for that wasn’t good for you. It’s pure compassion and love.
I know I don’t deserve it, but I don’t want to limit g-d to what I deserve.

The Dreamer ..
I don’t think I made this up, and I didn’t come up with it either, it was the result of a lot of long discussions, and some reading on the topic.. I’d love to find the source
(the only thing I can think of is when chana made that deal with hashem when she wanted children..)

The Bear..
I have a lot of others in my prayer,
But ive once heard that sometimes, its better to focus on yourself.. because maybe that’s where the lack is. Sometimes its almost easier to focus on others than to believe we deserve it..

Maven ..
That’s exactly how I feel. Im not sure if others throughout history have felt the same way, but I really feel like the world (and the jewish world) is just crumbling away and we need every drop of energy to just hold on..

jewmaican20 ..
this whole thinking came about after a shabbos I spent with some breslev friends of mine. They were so strong in their belief, in their “chutzpa” in their emuna, it just really inspired me. More than inspired.. it convinced me.
The issue of lip service is really important here I think. When it comes to marriage, we all “want” it, but how many REALLY want it. It’s like moshiach.. we all say we want it, and somewhere in us we do.. but how much do we truly mean it..
This chutspa is my way of saying.. I REALLY want it. Im ready.

jjew ...
I would love to see the sources, the only one I thought of was channah and I remember having sucha hard time accepting the whole ting when I first heard it – but like jewmaican said.. sometimes I think people get to such a point of frustration that the choice is to either give up, or just believe in it stronger.

Mata Hari..
Since this idea was explained to me by breslevers, and they strongly believe in praying and talking to g-d in your own words, im not sure there are appropriate words..
The appropriateness of this whole idea, the way it was explained to me, is that it is purely true heartfelt prayer.

I kind of see this as.. crossing a bridge in your relationship with hashem..
like a first fight a couple has.. suddenly the intensity of the true feelings bridges a gap that was keeping the couple apart..

yitz..
the difficulty is not demanding, its demanding AND simultaneously accepting.
I think most of us work on the accepting.. but the accepting without the demanding is almost limiting hashem and his compassion.

Arkasha..
i'm not sure i can respond to your comment without reading the article.. but i do believe (i've written about it in the past) there is a connection or belief in g-d that is based on nothing but a primal sense that cant be described or defined - and it probably does come out strongest when we are in pain..
it's definitely possible to 'believe' and feel 'intimate' wth g-d, without his torah, but i think it creates terrible emotional pain not to have a mode of communication, of expressing love to g-d without it. the torah is an expression of 'love' we were given to get past that primal attachment through pain, and to enable us to communicate through love.

LilBT..
i think youre right, in terms of keeping morale high, you dont want to fall into despair and get depressed.. but this is about getting to a point where nothing else matters anymore and its time to focus. but i agree.. once youve yelled and screamed.. get back on the treadmill.. dont give up.. one is not an excuse for the other

Judah Ben Levi..
doubt does wear holes into the carpet,
but continued efforts to patch it up strengthen it

Zevulun with a zayin ...
without a doubt we need to be thankful for what we have
including every challenge that comes our way..
im not arguing with what
but.. i think there comes a time when we need show g-d we believe so strongly in him, in his compassion, in his love, that we wont let him leave us on this painful path we cant understand. its not a sign of being ungrateful. sometimes real love only comes out when you're not afraid to have a fight

Breslover
"If anymookie paskens that she need not suffer - that means that a malach already got his orders to translate this psak into action."
thats exactly how it feels, i dont know wat the source is for that, but it's what i feel.
i feel like its a different level of relationship, when youre able to tell your loved one how you REALLY fear and youre not afraid they will leave you or be angry with you. i feel like thats the direction im being pushed in.. to get to a point where im not acting out of guilt, fear, habit.. but where i stand up and take full responsability for my destiny.. and act out of pure love - chutzpa comes with that..
i know he doesnt want us to suffer, chana knew he wanted her to have children...
accepting with love his decrees doesnt mean retreating or turning the other cheek. it means having enough trust that you can keep demanding from a loving gd because it creates a stronger bond..

lady delish.. of course its working, it works even if i never get it in the end..its alwys the process that counts, nto the result.. but the result motivates us to pursue the process

 
At Sunday, August 26, 2007 5:19:00 PM, Blogger yingerman said...

How do you know the suffering is not the end result itself?
We get smarter from expiriences and maybe thats all thats wanted from you.
The wisdom gained by your life's 'happenings' may drive your life in different directions that you may have taken, without the input of what you perceive as pain.
This is a long term project.

Emapathic wishes till 120
Yingerman

 
At Sunday, July 19, 2009 6:08:00 AM, Blogger Ben said...

I can understand the sentiment. You write with rare depth. Wish you all the best. This is Benjamin from
Israeli Uncensored News

 

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