I’m not back .. but..

Have you guys realized how difficult it is to make a commitment these days? Everyone talks about the dating crisis and we all want to be able to explain it and solve it - well here is my attempt.

I think we live in a society where we have lost the ability to commit. In order to get married, you need to make a conscious, clearheaded decision to spend the rest of your life with one person. Every day, for the rest of your life, you will have to see this person, share a house with this person, eat dinner with this person, discuss your life issues with this person, have children with this person, share a mortgage with this person, go on vacation with this person... It’s forever.

(am I the only one getting sweaty palms and heart palpitations just from writing/reading this??)

I was thinking about how people have been picking a mate or getting married throughout history and it's never been a problem as it is today. Why is it so much more difficult for us then it was for them? Didn’t they have the same worries and fears? Weren’t they as commitment phobic as we are? What’s changed between then and now?

When I look at how I live my life today I realize that there is nowhere else and nothing else in my life that requires a strong commitment.

Education is inexpensive, I can get a degree and then decide not to work in that field! Can you imagine anyone doing that 30-50 years ago?! People slaved so they could go to college, it was a commitment.

Someone can start a career in one field and 10 years later decide to switch careers – something unheard of to our parents.

Clothing, we have in bulk. Who worries when buying an article of clothing that they will be “stuck with it” - but our grandparents must have felt that way. If you have two suits, one for the week and one for shabbos, you’re going to have to use your committing skills to buy your suits. They’re there for good! Every day! But we don’t have that problem - how many of us have clothes hanging in our closet that still have the tag attached?

The truth is, many of us don’t even try clothes on in the store anymore, we buy what we like, go home, try it on, and if we don’t like it, we return it. Refund policies save us from making a commitment even after we’ve paid!

How many of us feel pressured when we buy a car? Who needs to even buy one – just lease! 3 years later you can get a new car!

We can’t even set up an appointment with a friend and commit to it. We agree to call each other an hour before - to confirm. We all have cell phones, 20 years ago if you had to meet a friend in the evening, you made plans the evening before, knowing you wouldn’t be able to reach them until then. Today we agree to discuss it later..no one wants to commit – to anything! Not only don’t we want to, but we don’t need to.

So.. in a society where everything is a disposable commodity, including people, how can we be expected to commit to another human being for the rest of our lives. "I have to pick ONE person – FOREVER?! What’s the exchange policy? The refund policy? THERE IS NONE?!"

Think about it, when was the last time you had to make a real long term commitment without the option of safely backing out? Of course there’s a dating/shidduch/marriage crisis, our committing muscles are shrinking!

We don’t feel the need to get too involved in anything or with anyone. Our connections turn out to be superficial, because those are the muscles we’ve developed – we can connect in a shallow, safe way because we know that we always have the option of backing out. Whether it’s buying a first house, with a $5000 down payment, or leasing a car, or making a big trip on air miles we earned buying countless things we didn’t really need, the result is that we never feel the need to get overly connected, overly involved, overly committed to any decision we make.

Last year I got stuck in a one year apartment lease with a roommate I didn’t want to be with anymore – let me know tell you, the hardest part about the whole ordeal was knowing that I was “stuck”, that I couldn’t pick up and go. I felt so frustrated with myself for committing to a one year obligation that I had no way out of – and now I’m expected to commit to a lifetime roommate??

Someone please tell me how it’s done - I can honestly say that my commitment muscles have completely atrophied and I really don’t understand how others do it, or have done it.

Any words of wisdom to share?

And now.. I’ll BRB..