I don't know if I want to be a BT anymore...

What does that mean?

Well, it doesn’t mean that I’m questioning whether I want to be religious or not. That decision was made years ago and has been reiterated on a daily basis since, some days with more conviction, some days with less.
What it does mean, though, is that I wonder whether I like to consider myself a BT or not.

Here’s my dilemma -

on the one hand…
It’s frustrating not feeling like an integral part of the normalized frum community. I always feel like I’m a little bit of an outsider. I don’t always know the slang; I don’t always understand references that are made; I don’t always get the inside jokes. I don’t like feeling clued out, and in this environment, where I don’t want to stand out anymore than necessary I often nod and smile and hope we can move on to something else before my cover’s blown!

The thing I especially don’t like is the tone of voice or the attitude people sometimes have when they speak to me. It’s a little bit condescending, a little bit patronizing, and sometimes even a little bit mocking. Becoming and being a BT is a process that you evolve in - it has beginning stages, and more advanced stages. It frustrates me that many in the frum community seem to have this impression that bt’s have abandoned their senses, that they’ve adopted a fairytale-like life style, bought into the party line - without questioning. It’s this subtle accusation of being naïve and blinded to the reality of things, of having been swept off your feet by an emotional, spiritual impulse and living blindly since.

Granted, the beginning stages probably are very much like that - or else why would anyone ever be interested! Of course it looks utopic at first glance, but this utopia comes with a one-dimensional view of torah life. Perhaps some people never leave that utopia, never develop depth of vision – but I assume that these same people would live with a one dimensional, flat, outlook on life regardless of their religious level.


For the rest of us, once the first burst of inspiration starts to fizzle out, reality sets in and by that point we are usually stuck in a place where we know there is truth to what we've been taught, but its not as simple as it originally seemed. Suddenly additional dimensions are revealed.

Some people give up at that point, and you will often find bt’s who started out all inspired and quickly dropped out once they realized it was much deeper and much more complex than they originally believed. But many of us, convinced we are on the right path, take on the challenge and develop and evolve with our newfound perception of this truth. With the realization of the multidimensional aspect of a torah lifestyle comes depth and understanding that wasn’t possible at the beginning.

The problem is that many ffb’s don’t seem to realize that this change has happened, that the naivete and the simplicity that bt’s first connected to is long gone. I hate when it is assumed that I think and believe the way I do out of naivete or being blinded. To be a truth seeker often implies having a certain degree of skepticism and cynicism. And to a natural skeptic and cynic, being called naïve is insulting. Changing your lifestyle, believing in a G-d and a Torah with no more than 51% “proof” is difficult enough as it is, but to then be told that the reason you’re so eager and excited about this way of life is that you’re being a “BT”, is really hurtful, and worse – doubt-inducing.

Being a bt, there isn’t a day that I don’t wonder if I did the right thing. The doubts are fleeting and in most cases dealt with with ease, but being reminded by the same people who brought you in that maybe there is value to those doubts is terribly disappointing.

So that’s why I don’t like thinking of myself as a bt, I want to just blend in, disappear into the crowd. I'm tired of being scrutinized and babied and feeling like an outsider. I want my current struggles, struggles very similar to any observant person, to be validated, not mocked.

on the other hand…
Being a bt means I get to have my doubts, and voice them.
I get to decide every day that I accept g-d and torah
I get to baby step, and accept my weaknesses, without excessive guilt.
I get more room to accept my past mistakes – recent and not so recent past.
It allows me to keep searching and learning without feeling pigeonholed into any one path of Judaism.
It gives me the freedom to be myself within a system that requires compliance and uniformity.

So..
I don’t know what I want.
I find myself playing both cards.

I think at this point in my life I’d like to let go of the BT card and just deal with the challenges of being part of a frum community. Not that I want to give up on my strengths and what I have to offer on a personal, individual basis, but just to blend in and take on the struggles of the general frum population. I often think I have made that jump, and I am part of the frum community, and I am blending in, and struggling with the same issues, doubts, habits, but then someone comes along and makes a simplistic derogatory comment about me being a bt, or about bt’s in general and I find myself switching camps and getting defensive.

I guess that means I’m not ready to really switch over. But I’m not sure there will ever be an appropriate time..

I know I’m asking for trouble, but I would love to hear what ffb’s think of bt’s. Do it anonymously if you want. I’m not looking for praise or admiration – I want to hear the truth. If any of you have ever had any resentment or dislike of bt’s, this is your time to voice it. Maybe if I hear what all the complaints and issues and criticisms are and I deal with them, I’ll finally be able to get it out of my system and fully integrate myself into the normalized community.
…or not!