Wednesday, October 25, 2006

My days are so predictable and yet, every day, I seem to relive them as if i beleive something new is about to happen. I expect change, I anticipate some new discovery to transform the mundane agenda I should, by now, be accustomed to. I keep expecting the day to end differently..

I wake up in the morning with a fresh head and a hopeful heart. Regardless of how exhausted I am from the lack of sleep, I always feel that the day’s renewal affords me a panoply of fresh opportunities to look forward to. Once I'm showered and dressed, had my coffee and am ready to go, I feel ready to take on whatever challenges come my way - with a clear mind and strong determination.

But, as the day progresses, the challenges that come my way slowly start to take on the added weight of yesterday’s failures ... and tomorrow’s fears. The worrying and the anxiety begin to creep up on me, slowing me down, and gradually weighing me down.

I make lists, I plan ahead, I visualize and pray for the future - still somewhat hopeful that I have the ability and energy to make the changes necessary - to bring about success and not more disillusionment. I work hard, I believe and I pray, but regardless of how much I accomplish, it seems that as the day advances, the accomplishments get dwarfed by what has yet to be done.

By the time evening comes, all I want is to do crawl into a warm and safe place. I want to put it all behind me, and live in the moment. As the night comes and silence descends around me, solitude and stillness replace the commotion and cacophony of the day. What I crave at night is a place to let go of the day’s tension and pressures and inadequacies, but instead, as the eeriness of the night intensifies, so do the anxieties of tomorrow,
and tomorrow’s tomorrows.
I find myself wallowing in the disappointments and broken dreams, all alone, feeling more isolated and hopeless than I could have imagined possible early that morning.

My empty bed frightens me - all that cold unused space, mocking me - so I avoid it. I read, I think, I listen to music, I think, I write, I think. I try to distract myself and hope to avoid the swelling sadness and angst that threatens to engulf me.

I think
and think
and feel
and think

But this is a world of doing, what's the point?

The more I think the more I wish I could fall asleep.
The more I wish I were sleeping, the wider-awake I feel.

I watch the clock bring in the new day, as my eyes get heavy, and my brain continues to fry under the mounting pressures of the days to come.

Finally a moment of weakness overcomes me and I feel tired enough to collapse into bed.
I jump at the occasion.

I fall asleep.

Not more than 5 hours later, the radio blares, waking me up to a bright new morning, filled with hope and adventure.

I wont forget tomorrow morning, what tonight felt like. I’ll know what it felt like and why I felt it, but I wont feel it.
Maybe it was a bad day, i'll tell myself..but today.. TODAY, now that’s going to be a pretty good day!


At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 2:35:00 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

you sound like me ;)

gotta keep up that hope and positive attitude every day!


At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 7:31:00 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

It's easier to give advice than to do anything so here goes:

Days predictable-Do something unexpected everyday, no I don't mean anything wild and irresposible.
Call someone you haven't in awhile, take a bite in something that tastes like lead to you to ascertain it still does, change your blog template etc...

Silence at night-check your email box(later)

Dark-leave an economical bulb on in your room or in the doorway all night, since you don’t sleep well it's not going to bother you.

Stress relive-picture the people you've been dying to put back in their place and talk to them, yell at them, fire them etc...

Sad? Start laughing at nothing, force it and you'll end up laughing so hard you'll wonder why a moment ago you felt melancholynous

And if you're gonna read before trying to fall asleep make sure it's a Mad or an Asterix rather than some deep philosophical book by Rav or Rebettzin x.

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 8:31:00 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Beautifully expressed your thoughts and feelings as usual. Hard to make the day exciting and not mundane.

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 10:27:00 AM, Blogger Nemo said...

Pragmatician is right, do something new, speak to someone who you haven't been in touch with in a while.

Reading blogs isn't the way to go. Blogs are constantly speaking about problems and hardly ever offering solutions. Makes this into a daunting world.

Also, it's impressive that despite it all you can wake up excitable to a new morning. Think of how you can draw that excitablity into the whole day, particularly into the worries.

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 11:38:00 AM, Blogger Sara with NO H said...

Hey go take pictures. I know that when I'm in a mood, I go somewhere I've been a million times and find interesting pictures to take. It can be like a scavenger hunt. Trying to take pictures of people so that they don't notice is even more fun. Try it. That can be your "doing something different"

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 11:49:00 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

sarah - ya ya.. trying! :)

prag - thanks, thats good advice.. but youre right, its much easier said than done :)
the truth is, its not so much the mundane aspect of my day that bothers me, as much as Im surprised that every day/nite comes to me as a shock.. like what do i keep expecting to happen for the day to end up differnetly?!

swfm - thanks

nemo - youre probably right about choosing my reading selection more carefully..

sara with no h - i dont know the first thing about taking pictures.. but like i said, its not so much the mundane or predictable nature of the day that im wondering about - it's the surprise and amazement that every day, despite all the new challenges/events.. seems to turn out more or less the same..

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 12:03:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

magnificently written

& Fiiiiiiiiiinally....

and i second nemo's idea (tho not necessarily applies to mooks). reading blogs usually results in introversion. introversion leads to unhappiness. the less we think about ourselves, the happier we are. (how's that for some nickel 'n dime psychology :-). of course we gotto think about ourselves; but not too much. the more we do and accomplish, and the less we focus on the self, the better. so: less blog reading, and more getting out and meeting friends/bars/concerts/ socializing e.t.c

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 1:23:00 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Bezras Hashem may this be the day you feel great throughout!

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 4:27:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is brilliant. You have written so accurately many of the sleepless nights I encounter. Aside from this, this echoes such sadness, so I wish you strength from your daily struggles and a good night sleep, Noodles.

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 8:35:00 PM, Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

hope you feel better soon

At Thursday, October 26, 2006 6:40:00 AM, Blogger notahottie said...

whoa what happens to you during the day that gets you so upset? or is it just the fact that nothing exciting happens...hope today is better...

At Thursday, October 26, 2006 9:14:00 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

duby - youre right.. im really starting to realize more and more that the more "self aware" and "self focused" and "self this and and self that we are.. the more unhappy we are. we are meant to be pouring our energy outwards not in.. its just so much easier said than done

kasamba - amen

noodles - most of those sleepless nights are spent on line.. with a lot of other people going thru the same sleepless nights..unfortunately. it seems to be way too common

lvsm27 - thank you .. but im not sure theres anything to feel better about.. its just a matter of making life work and finding happiness in it

notahottie -
nothing really glad you cant relate to my post :) its not that nothing exciting happens.. its that a big empty house/room/bed is NOT what anyone needs at the end of the day..especially when its day after day, night after night..

At Thursday, October 26, 2006 9:15:00 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

The morning truly is a blank canvas...and youre the master artist..

At Friday, October 27, 2006 1:51:00 AM, Blogger yoniQua said...

i like your optimism, girl.
keep it up...

At Friday, October 27, 2006 6:02:00 AM, Blogger the only way i know said...

can't say it doesnt sound familiar..

At Friday, October 27, 2006 10:01:00 AM, Blogger FrumWithQuestions said...

i was scared of clowns when i was little.

At Friday, October 27, 2006 3:17:00 PM, Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

Mookie, that's true

At Sunday, October 29, 2006 2:57:00 PM, Blogger nuch a chosid said...

two tylenol 8 hour can help you fall asleep and forget about the clowns

nice blog. excellent writing, thanks for visiting mine

At Sunday, October 29, 2006 4:28:00 PM, Anonymous anonymessed said...

all people in the shidduch world feel the same way.

I feel all this, sans the positive outlook you've got each morning. I hate getting out of bed and am always late to work. Lucky you.

At Monday, October 30, 2006 8:41:00 PM, Blogger workingema said...

Sounds like you have a hard time each doesn't sound easy.

But- start each day fresh and new. That's the best way to get anywhere in life- even when it seems you're going no-where.
y co-workers at one place I worked couldn't stand the fact that I would come in, every morning, chipper, upbeat, and with a smile on my face. They were disgruntled, negative people.
I wasn't. (thank G-d)

At Tuesday, October 31, 2006 2:59:00 AM, Blogger the sabra said...

do something kind for someone else
no day is the same
remember-if you aint goin up, you goin down. theres no standin still in this world we call ours.

At Tuesday, October 31, 2006 8:18:00 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

the problem is when you look at the canvas at the end of the day and cant wait for it to revert back to being a blank once again

heh, i like your optimism in my 'optimism'..

the only way i know
and strangely enough, for some people it doesnt..

i still am.. theyre creepy!

nuch a chosid:
a few extra tylenol 8 hours and ill start beleiving im the clown.. not sure thats the solution im looking for!

unfortunately i dont think its necessarily a shidduch thing...
would be nice to have someone to come home to.. but not anyone!

im hardly the chipper upbeat morning person.. i keep the optimism well guarded behind the grumpy facade :)

the sabra:
youre right...the rigth answers are always the ones that sound cliche but are the hardest to carry out

At Tuesday, October 31, 2006 11:42:00 PM, Blogger the sabra said...

not really. the right answers have become cliche cuz theyre RIGHT and they work. and if youre focused and structured, then you can soar. meaning, doing the right thing can be difficult, but once you change your goals and your mindset, then everything becomes o so easy.

hatzlacha rabba.


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