Shifting the Paradigm

2007-11-10T22:38:00.000-05:00

in humanistic psychology, there is a concept that actions can be self-determined or controlled.
-self determined behaviors are those that have an intrinsic value to us
-controlled actions are those we do because of a reward or to satisfy pressure

how long we stay interested in a certain behavior depends on whether we view it as controlled or self determined - it's been shown that people stay more interested in actions they feel are self determined

in a study done in the 1970's it was demonstrated that when children were excessively rewarded for drawing (something they enjoy doing naturally), they lost interest in it. this is called "turning play into work".
when the children felt that drawing became a controlled task, a job, it wasnt interesting anymore.

it seems to me that if we feel that our torah observance is self determined we will stay much more interested in it than if we feel it is controlled.. even more important, i think that children who are taught to view their torah observance as a controlled behavior might eventually lose interest in it..

believing in a system of reward and punishment is part of a torah perspective - it isnt up for debate...
but... the motivation behind our torah observance is for us to decide. do we follow the torah so we can get a reward and avoid punishment or do we do it because we feel that there is an intrinsic value in it?

if we want to feel a sense of self determination in our lives, that we are choosing how to live our lives and that our choices are autonomous and not imposed, we need to start viewing our behaviors that way.

regardless of whether someone was raised religious or not, at some point in our lives we all need to "choose" our behavior, and more importantly, we need to choose it for the right reason - not because we feel pressured or guilty and not so we can get a reward but because we view our choices as being intrinsically worthy.

teaching kids that every mitzvah/aveirah they do will get a "reward" or a "punishment" is reinforcing this idea that torah observance is a controlled behavior...
in addition, humans have a need to receive unconditional affection. if we feel that affection - from parents, teachers, ourselves and most importantly from G-d - is dependent on conditional behavior, we risk losing interest when it gets too difficult...

so.. of course positive behavior should be rewarded and encouraged, but not excessively and not as the only motivator. in order to feel self actualized and a sense of autonomy, we have to remind ourselves and emhasize to children that there are more important and more intrinsically valuable reasons for keeping mitzvot
until we internalize this...we risk losing interest..

(one thing i want to mention is that im not refering to anyone who feels that they are observing thetorah because of societal pressures - thats a whole other (bigger issue). what im referring to here are those who want to be torah observant but dont always enjoy it or appreciate it or feel self actualized in it)

have a sweet shabbat..

2007-08-24T07:25:00.000-04:00

uniquely familiar at each holy encounter
you parade in
escorted by sanctified procession

sweeping us in
crowning the mundane with harmony, peace, beauty

inching out
leaving behind void
and an aftertaste of heaven

2007-08-04T22:45:00.001-04:00

it occured to me..
after a lot of questionning and thinking and wondering and discussing...
after dealing with a lot of strong emotions of frustration & rebelliousness
that maybe real emunah requires chutzpah..
maybe it's time to rechannel those angry feelings..

emunah means I believe that..
hashem created the world,
he runs the world,
it's all for the good...
but emunah ALSO means that He does NOT want me to suffer and go through hard times..

complete emunah means I believe in his compassion and in his true love..

so where is my real complete absolute emunah when i accept the pain,
when i accept the sadness,
when i start to give up on myself ,
when i start to doubt Him
or myself..
when i just dont have it in me anymore?

where is my emunah that he CAN and WILL take care of me?

do i just sit back and accept that it's all for the good?

or do I push to the next level and..
beg, plead, cry, believe and scream out for him to
stop the suffering?
stop the pain?
end the waiting?
stop the doubts and the sadness?

if i can grow through a nisayon..
you can help me get through it.. or better yet, get rid of it!

hashem, you don't want me to suffer.. i know it hurts you more than it hurts me
hashem, you don't want me to get further away, to give up, to despair
so...

please hashem..
enough...

ENOUGH..

I have emunah...I know you can.. I know you will..
I BEG OF YOU..
I DEMAND
fix it!

2007-07-25T08:56:00.000-04:00

One thing baalei teshuva have difficulty understanding or relating to is what growing up in the yeshiva world is like. I know from some of my friends that as their kids go through the yeshiva system, every day is full of unexpected learning experiences. It's fascinating to me (and I'm sure to many bt's) to learn about the upbringing and raising of ffb children as bt's are expected to raise their child ren without basing themselves on their personal experience. It's one thing to adapt to the Torah world on a personal level - and as a newcomer - but children of baalei teshuva are born and raised religious! As a friend of mine put it : "omg my baby is an ffb?!"

One of the most interesting aspects is when a child decides to rebel or turn their back on this lifestyle. I'm always intrigued by the stories behind these kids' choices. As someone who’s dedicated close to half of her life to entering the torah world, it's interesting to find out what the struggles and social issues are in the life of a child who grew up in this world and decides to question it or leave it. As idealistic and utopic as the frum world first appears to a BT, it doesnt take very long before the realization hits that this world - which is supposed to be steeped in torah, in morality, in kindness, in justice - can be so full of… human faults and realities.

I recently spoke to someone who went through this and asked him to write me his story so I could post it on my blog. What amazes me the most is how, despite how many times I’ve heard this story, the same issues seem to repeat themselves – not fitting in, disinterested or harsh teachers, rabbis and parents, judgemental attitudes… The truth is, these are true everywhere. Speak to any rebellious teenager, frum or not, and they will repeat the same lines – they didn’t fit in, they were disrespected, they weren’t appreciated, their good intentions were dismissed, their search for truth were ridiculed… Kids completely realize and relate to this, but at some point as we enter adulthood.. we seem to forget this.

The reason I want to post this story is because this very gentle and sweet person describes what he went through, in his own experience. When I read this, I felt so disturbed that adults and peers could treat him this way - I couldn’t understand how they didn’t realize how hard he was trying and how they just kept pushing him further and further away. But then I stepped back and tried to picture him as a 16 year old and I got a different image in my mind.

Can you picture it?

The rebellious attitude,
the disrespectful words,
the hostility,
the anger,
the disregard for things holy and things proper…

I just imagine a kid like that and I think how I, and probably so many others, would have a hard time not judging him. Can't you hear it? “Why should we care? He’s so far gone! Look how he dresses, look how he acts, look how he speaks to his parents!! He needs love? He wants attention? respect? He deserve a kick in the behind!! He has no interest in changing, he just wants to have fun”

Judging on a superficial level, I can somehwhat relate to those feeling, but when you read his words, his truth, his thoughts, it's SO obvious that this is the complete opposite of what he was and what he needed? I guess my reason in posting this is that maybe a parent who reads this, or a rebbe, or a friend, or a sibling, or even a stranger in a store, will think twice before dismissing someone who is going through something similar.

I’m sure there are plenty who are not interested in a torah life, and maybe never will be and are genuinely disrespectful and turned off by it all, but on the odd chance that the bratty rebellious kid in front of you is really secretly fighting and trying deep inside... try to have a little compassion – realize how a little respect, a little genuine empathy, a little understanding might be just what he needs to give him a little hope not to give it all up. If someone wants to leave this lifestyle, let him leave it because he has valid intellectual, logical reasons for it, not because he's been pushed out and turned off by our behavior.

~~~~~~~~

"I don't really know where to begin, or what's important...

I grew up in xxx, went to school there through junior high school. My folks are people who came from more modern backgrounds ( by today's standards), and as they've gotten older, they've moved further to the right. For high school, I went to an extremely yeshivish, close minded yeshiva, where I was immediately cast an outsider, due to several factors. Not being fluent in the yeshivish lingo, my "out of town" mentality, the fact that my father is a "baal habayis" as opposed to someone in learning, and my interests outside of the regular yeshivish realm (including books, comic books, music tastes [ while anyone who was listening to non jewish music was listening to pop music, I was listening to a wide range of genres, including metal, hip hop, funk..]) all helped in strengthening that label. I never thought anything of it; this was who I was, what I knew. But they didn't know from it...

The summer between 9th and 10th grade, I went to Israel, where I pulled out all the stops. I had my first experiences with tobacco, marijuana, and other mind altering substances. I didn't take advantage of the Holy Land, opting to go to Israel, not Eretz Yisroel (semantics do make a difference).

Upon returning to high school for 10th grade, I felt ready to grab the year by the reigns, and really learn. Towards the end of the summer, I had made a conscious decision to apply myself. I guess after that summer, I had gotten a lot of craziness out of my system and was ready to really grow. Unfortunately, no one wanted to learn with me, as in one short year, I had made a reputation for myself as a guy who doesn't know how to learn and doesn't care either.

Thankfully, my folks hired a tutor to teach me how to prepare a gemara, and he really helped me. More importantly, he became a confidant to me, and I felt like I was really developing. Throughout the year, I continued smoking up on Shabbosim that we had off, choosing not to smoke up while in yeshiva. At the end of the year, my parents "suggested" I stay at home for the summer, get a job, and continue with another tutor throughout the summer, to keep up the momentum of my improvement. I agreed, and the summer was a lot of fun.

The next year, I continued to strive, but my classmates made things difficult. Always making derogatory comments, expecting me to be a clown, joking around, they didn't get that I was trying to shed that rep. That year also saw the addition of a few guys to my class, who in my opinion didn't really contribute anything worthwhile. My tutor from the year before was now our rebbe in the afternoons, and these guys clashed with him constantly. They were yeshivish guys, with no respect for anybody, and very loose ethics (in my opinion ). These are the kind of guys I see who can float through life pretending to be what they are not, and they'll be handed a lot of good things.
Moreover, my rebbe - now that the dynamics of our relationship had changed - had less to do with me than ever.

At the end of the year, the guys tried convincing me to come up to the mountains with them to the program my yeshiva had at a certain camp. They were straightforward about the fact that they had plans to party exclusively, and that it would be fun with me along for the ride. I declined, saying that I needed to go home, so that I can continue to make progress.

They didn't like that, and 3 of the "main" guys cornered me one night, and really gave it to me. They said very hurtful things to me, with the intent of knocking me down a few pegs.
I won't go into details as to what they said, but I went home anyway. But what they had said struck a chord with me. They may have been wrong, but after that episode, I couldn't disagree with them. Nothing felt the same after that.

The next year, my senior year, things continued to worsen. I was now under the jurisdiction of the Roshei Yeshiva, and while one of them was cool with me, the other one just seemed to have it in for me.

I was getting depressed, but no one could see it. It felt like everyone was after me, and there seemed to be a lot of hypocrisy within the yeshiva system. My anger and frustration made me lash out at many people; my family, my teachers. I started smoking up often. I was ditching yeshiva at night, sneaking out to bowl, shoot pool, hit kareoke bars, and watch movies. I started hanging with local kids, and we raised hell, getting into brawls, graffiti, all sorts of stuff.

I stopped laying tefillin, and wearing tzitzis, and while on the outside I appeared to be normal to everyone else, I knew the truth. I had no idea where I was headed in life, and all I wanted was for everything to stop. I hated yeshivish people, I hated being different, and I hated myself for not being a stonger, better person.

Midway through my first year post high school, I made a stupid mistake, which led to many things coming out into the open. It was painful, but ultimately led to something much better. My folks (who still don't know the extent of what went on in those years ) realized that I was serious about leaving that place, and we started looking for a yeshiva that would help me out.

We found this small yeshiva in xxx. It was a normal place, not a rehab or anything, but it was unique because of the guys there, and the rosh yeshiva who cared for them. The guys were all accepting people, and the Rosh seemed to be really interested in my well being. I started to relax a bit. I felt like I found my place. I decided right then that i wouldn't do anything wrong while in yeshiva. No movies, no books, no dope. Off Shabbosim and bein hazmanim were a different story, but while in yeshiva, I was gonna focus on that exclusively.

I chilled out, turned away from the hard music I had listened to almost exclusively during those few years and started getting interested in my roots. I'm xx years old now. I learnt in that yeshiva for a couple of years, then went to Eretz Yisrael. After xx months there, I returned to my yeshiva in the states, where I've been since. I'm dating, looking for my wife. I'm completely clean now and while I'm not satisfied yet with where i'm holding, because I have a lot of work to do, I am happy, for the most part..."

2007-07-09T09:56:00.001-04:00

i want my toes licked by a baby polar bear too!

2007-07-05T19:52:00.002-04:00

So.. I've been tagged by Mel and Behind a smile..
here are my facts/habits/stories/randomness/nonsense

1 - I hate rules and i love freedom, so I am excercising my freedom not to follow the rules of this game. I am not listing the rules at the beginning, I’m not listing 8 personal facts/habits and I’m not tagging anyone at the end. I realize this is childish but it’s my blog and I’ll break the rules if I want to :)

2 - I don’t own an ipod*, a cell phone, a laptop or a watch.
* i recently bought an mp3 player but it's NOT an ipod!

3- I’m not very good at planning and long term commitments so I often just jump into situations without realizing what I’m getting myself into. I moved to New York a few years ago after being offered a job. Without making any plans of where or how I would live I made the trip to New York a few days later and arrived in Manhattan at 4 am , alone, with a rolled up mattress, clothing for a week and 20$ (how cliché!). I went to Penn station and waited there until 6 am to take the subway - unaware that the subways run all night - to finally get on a train at 6 am and find myself in a car alone with a really creepy, sketchy guy with blood gushing from his head. Probably not one of my best-planned life transitions.

4 - I have the absolute worst memory for details, especially numbers – I regularly forget my own phone number, my parents' number or my friends' phone numbers or birthdays.

5 - I think I swallowed a piece of plastic fork today at lunch. When I finished my salad, a piece of fork was missing but it was nowhere to be found!

6 - I once cheated on a college exam with 2 friends. We split the material in three, each studying for one third of it. We sat next to each other in the exam room, each answered our share of the questions and then switched exams amongst ourselves to complete eachother's exams.

7 - I ate octopus as a kid, and I distinctly remember how the little suction cups felt in my mouth (ew) . this falls under the category of random fact, and NOT a habit!

...and now you all know a little more useless info about me..

2007-05-25T08:45:00.000-04:00

Freedom is one of those terms we use liberally and think we all understand yet it’s a concept that lawmakers, philosophers, religious leaders and teenagers spend an immeasurable amount of time trying to define and delineate. It’s this elusive, seemingly unattainable aspiration we pursue incessantly but never feel satisfied with. Whether it’s financial, emotional or physical freedom, we all want more of it. Personally, the minute I can jump on a bus or plane to get away, I’m packed and on my way. Deep breaths filling my unrestricted lungs, my head uncluttered by obligations and responsibilities, my feet and mind unbound and free to roam…nothing feels like freedom. Recently, however, it occurred to me that somehow it was specifically this quest for freedom which was at the root of my confusions and troubles and it got me wondering about what freedom really means.

People often ask me how it is that I can be such a free spirit and also BT - it seems contradictory. Who takes on a life of servitude to an all-powerful G-d when freedom is what they are in search of? Surprisingly though, it is precisely through my connection to Torah and Judaism that I have experienced the greatest amount of freedom.

Freedom generally signifies a lack of constraints. Whether physical, psychological or emotional, freedom is a state we achieve when we are no longer held back by restrictions and boundaries. This can often lead to adopting a hedonistic lifestyle, devoid of rules and limitations where one is free to express and behave as one desires. Because on our most basic level we associate more directly with our physical body, I think our desire for freedom is often translated into physical freedom. We appease this deep and innate need to feel free by pursuing physical freedom, with financial freedom as the primary means.

But we keep chasing.

It sometimes feels like a neverending race with no finish line in sight. It occurred to me, after all these years of chasing after this type of freedom, that maybe I was trying to placate a very deep need with a very superficial source of appeasement – trying to achieve spiritual freedom by removing physical constraints. The essence of a human being’s existence is his ability to choose, to exercise his free will and this is where real freedom can be found. It is the ability to decide and choose one’s fate - but that sense of freedom kept slipping through my fingers. It got me wondering about what constraints were stopping me from achieving that level of freedom?

We are all created with the ability to be free, to exercise our free will. Existentially, freedom is what defines us. It occurred to me that maybe the greatest impediment to exercising our free will, and to ultimately achieving a state of true freedom, is our fear of accepting the consequences of our choices. Being afraid to make a choice paralyses us and leads us to feel imprisoned, restricted and unable to exercise our free will. Consequently, we are left with a body, an animal body with animal urges, and we try to compensate by chasing after physical freedom. We fool ourselves into believing that physical freedom, financial freedom or sexual freedom can make us feel truly free.

Religion is often accused of minimizing freedom. It includes a type of servitude in which people can feel trapped or stifled. But at the root of Judaism is the concept of free will. From the time of creation, the ability to choose one's fate was given to man. So how does a system based on free will lead some people to feel imprisoned? People will claim that they don’t have a choice, that they are trapped in their lifestyles - there are family repercussions, societal ramifications, consequences and hardships they cant handle. People don’t feel free to choose…

As a BT, I strongly appreciate my freedom to choose. I can choose to live my life the way I do, I can choose to go back to my old lifestyle, I can choose a new lifestyle. I can choose to believe and I can choose to act according to my beliefs. In the past I have often heard people who were raised in observant homes complain that they didn’t have the choices I did by being born into this lifestyle. In fact there have been times when even I, after so many years of living this way, felt that way too - I fell into the trap of believing that I too had lost my ability to choose.

Wanting to avoid this feeling of being stifled by my lifestyle, I started to consider all the restrictions I felt were impeding my freedom to choose, whether it was torah obligations or societal pressures. I realized that I was in fact completely free to choose to act as I desired but that I would have to pay for the consequences of my actions. I could stop wearing a skirt, but then I might be objectified, I could break shabbos, but then I’d be losing that special connection to Hashem that develops on that day, I could choose to behave in any way I wanted, but then I’d limit my dating options or the respect I received from others and maybe even from G-d. I realized I was free to act as I pleased as long as I accepted the consequences of my actions.

My freedom of choice is the rock that G-d can’t lift. It’s in my hands, not His. But being that it is completely up to me to choose, the weight of the rock is also mine – and that’s the real obstacle to exercising my free will. It’s not that I cant choose, it’s that I sometimes wish I was able to make choices without any repercussions. But that’s not the way of the world – it's wishful thinking, we can’t escape the reality of cause and effect.

There are many choices that I am free to make, but they carry consequences that I am not necessarily ready to accept. No one imposed any choices on me, but I have sometimes felt trapped because I was afraid to make a choice in view of the consequences it carried - consequences that have and will continue to affect me, my family, my future and my community. What I also realized was that all the big decisions I’ve made in my life, all the difficult choices I’ve been faced with also carried extremely difficult consequences, and it was precisely because of those sacrifices I made that my choices are so precious to me. The freedom to choose, and the sacrifices I’ve made to make those choices are what make my decisions and my lifestyle so important and cheriched.

Janis Joplin sings 'freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose'. I understand that as meaning that we can only achieve freedom when we make a choice fully accepting the consequences of that choice – when we’ve accepted the “losses” and have nothing left to lose. To choose between two inconsequential outcomes, or to make a choice but resent the consequences is not an expression of freedom. Consequences are the currency that we can measure our choices by. Since real freedom can only be achieved through making choices, then real freedom can only be achieved through accepting the consequences of our choices. 'Nothing left to lose' means that I’ve accepted the worse case scenario, the consequences and implications of my choice and I’ve made my choice knowing full well what I am choosing. That’s freedom. There is no resentment or guilt or passive aggressive denial. Freedom means that I know what I am getting myself into and I choose to go into it.

No one is trapped into any kind of lifestyle; we choose the lifestyle we live in – because we don’t want to face the consequences of the alternative choice. The irony is that it is only in making that choice that we can truly be free. Freedom is the only ability we have that animals don’t share with us. We can choose to do something which is harmful, we can choose to do something which is against our best interest, we can choose to remain in an unhappy situation, we can choose to feel imprisoned and accept the circumstance of our lives.. but in order for a choice to be free we have to be fully aware of the consequences of our choice and we have to accept them - we have to have nothing left to lose. In that kind of a choice, we express our freedom.

Whether someone comes from a secular background or an ultra sheltered chassidish background, whether they had a healthy upbringing or a dysfunctional one, every person comes to a point in their life where they need to choose who they want to be. In order to attain real freedom and to truly develop into a healthy adult, a person needs to come to the realization that they are completely free to choose but that whatever choices they make will carry consequences. Making a free choice is not simply doing what one feels like or picking an outcome, a real choice – expressed freely – is one where the consequences have been weighed, and accepted. I think that once a person realizes that every choice is open to them, as long as they accept the sacrifices entailed in making that choice, then they can truly feel free.

2007-05-16T11:32:00.001-04:00

for some, the realization that ‘only a miracle’ can save them is the first step into a painful state of despair
for others.. it’s the first step out..

2007-04-26T19:35:00.000-04:00

I collapse into his inviting embrace
uneasy with the intimacy
– at first

craving the safety
– urgently

hesitantly mouthing what he expects to hear
eager for the moment when we’ll connect
– finally

I close my eyes

corporeal constraints cease to exist
if only for a few seconds
..............I welcome the refuge

reminding myself that this is our time
alone
existence encapsulated

where being is doing
I hold him and rock him in my arms
bonding

searching for the courage to unload
what my heart conceals
and my mind yearns to forget

I fight the impulse to step back, reminded that even when
He doesn’t need
to hear it,

I need
to say it

that
which I don’t trust
and don’t want
and don’t allow
anyone else to know

he has witnessed and heard and felt
He knows
but there is no shame between us,

............the one time
............and the one place
............and the one way
............I can let go
............completely
............and connect
............completely
............and believe and feel and trust
............completely

............that I’m not alone

both aware than once I take those
three
steps
back

I’ll leave him behind

looking at me
longing for me

hoping that maybe this time
I’ll keep the connection alive until
we meet again.

catch 22

2007-04-13T18:59:00.000-04:00

to believe it might actually work out this time
to get excited about the prospect of possibly meeting the one
to anticipate that your prayers will finally be answered
to trust with all your heart that -maybe- the moment has arrived
- is setting yourself up for painful disappointment

but..to expect disappointment
to prepare yourself for the worst
to lower your expectations
to brace yourself in advance for that painful blow
- is setting yourself up for definite failure-by-self-fulfilling-prophecy

feels like a lose-lose situation
..maybe I just need more lipgloss.

2007-04-01T11:20:00.000-04:00

Pesach cleaning kind of feels like a farce, sometimes..

You dust, wash, scrub and bleach until you’re left with raw fingertips, disintegrated nostril membranes and a shattered back.. and you STILL find more chametz.

It’s absolutely impossible to get rid of every last crumb.
Seriously!

Those who haven’t had the pleasure have no idea what I’m referring to. They tell you not to stress over it, reminding you to ‘just clean’ – while rolling their eyes at your unwarranated zeal.
But when you work so hard at something, you expect results!
We’re not told to get rid of “most”chametz –we have to get rid of it all.. to the point that the night before pesach we go on a scavenger hunt with a candle and a feather to find every last crumb..

But what about the teeny crumbs behind the fridge that’s too heavy to move?
What about the year old oily sticky stuff stuck in the crevices between the oven and the counter?
What about the moldy scraps of leftovers pasted into the most concealed cracks in your cupboards?
You can shake the rug 100 times – and you'll STILL find bits and pieces on the 101st time.

So really.. it kind of feels a little bit like a charade – but who are we fooling?
G-d doesn’t ask any more of us than what we can do – he cant possibly expect us to actually get rid of every speck of teeny weeny potentially leavened substance..
G-d makes sense.. this doesn’t!

So it got me thinking - as I found yet another sticky unknown substance buried in the crack of the formica, as I was about to pour the scalding hot water on the counter top which had been cleaned and bleached and scrubbed and re-cleaned and re-bleached and re-scrubbed - that this cant possibly be the right attitude. G-d expects a loyal worshipper out of me but I don’t think He expects an obsessive-compulsive, neurotic, worn out, fed up Jew!
G-d is logical and caring and understanding and balanced all year long but on this holiday he expects perfection beyond human capabilities??? Can’t be!
As I was about to reach out one more time for the bottle of bleach, I stopped and tried to reframe.
What does G-d want from me?
He wants me to try my best, of course!
But there’s no 1/60 nullification rule.. so really.. He doesn’t want my best, He wants my ALL. He wants perfection

There must be something I’m not understanding..

All year long G-d says – do your best, try your hardest, give me the opening of a needle. We're told that there is no direct link between cause and effect, between effort and result. We put the effort in, but in the end G-d is master of the results on this earth. The real results, those that count are much deeper.

I can pull an allnighter studying for an exam, I can go on 900 dates, I can work like a dog, I can pray with all the kavana I can find in myself, but in the end I'll get what’s in my best interest. The only thing that matters is how much effort I put and where my intentions are directed - towards or away from hashem. I plan, I try, I put the effort in – but He is in charge of results. My focus is only to build a healthy, happy, loving relationship with Hashem.. the rest is details. MY efforts bring me closer to him, regardless of whether I pass the exam, or get married to the guy I want, or get a high from my davening.

Once I accept that, I don’t worry that I'll never find my husband, or that I'll never pay off debts, or that I'll never manage to get my bad midot under control. I dont even worry when I finish praying and realize I didnt "feel" anything. I realize and trust that whatever results I get are independent of the effort I put in - and that my efforts weren't wasted.

In a way, it’s no different here.

Even without the 1/60th loophole. G-d says ‘do you’re absolute best, try your hardest “play the part as best you can” show me how much you care, show me how seriously you want to get rid of that yester hara/chametz.. but in the end.. throw your hands up, with a smile, and accept that I am in charge.. not you!’

I can't expect specific results. Even spiritually speaking - I can pray until I am blue in the face, I can try and be happy until it hurts to smile, I can be meticulous in mitzvah observance, but I cannot expect and demand to feel "spiritually uplifted" or to "feel" closer to hashem. There will always be another crumb of yetzer hara to deal with, another aspect of my being that wants to keep me far away from the truth, another challenge I need to get through. Most important, I can't give up - even after I've exhasuted all my resources at bettering myself, and I relapse into unproductive behavior. I have to remind myself that my job is to do my absolute best, nullify every bit of chametz I can and at some point, to throw my hands up. I have to realize that I'm not doing it for the satisfaction of having done a good job, or for the spiritual high, or for the reward, or even for a completely chametz free home - I'm working this hard at it - just because I know its the truth, and this is what I'm asked to do, regardless of the results.

I think part of being able to throw our hands up and realize we arent perfect beings, is first realizing that we tend to blow things out of proportion, and make up stringencies which havent been imposed upon us. Not every little morsel we come across is chametz, we panic at the slightest semblance of chametz, drive ourselves crazy, feeling insecure and unsure of our capabilities - all in the name of being really careful in our observance. But isn’t this also a great trick of the yetser hara, making us feel as if we aren’t doing enough, making us feel small and incapable.. until we give up all the great things we are fully capable of accomplishing. i think as much as pesach cleaning is about being meticulous about the tiniest details, it can also be a great lesson in learning to differentiate between what's real and what’s imaginary - between what we are doing well, and what we imagine we arent accomplishing. The year-old bleached out moldy popcorn behind the sofa is not chametz! Sure we get rid of it, we clean up, we don’t eat it (ew), but when we come across it we don’t need to fall apart. We didn’t fail at our chametz cleaning. We just need perspective.

The sticky icky chametz might still be visible to the physical eye - if I force myself to look for it - but the real chametz has been nullified with my effort - and thats really what counts.

So...I try to remind myself to keep a smile on my face – once I start yelling at family, feeling despair, being rude with salespeople, treating those around me in a nasty way because they aren’t doing their job 'well enough', because they are getting in the way, because they aren’t helping enough – I’ve missed the point – at that point it's obvious that all the hot air I’m so desperate to find is right where I want to avoid looking!

...and on that note - I run back to my kitchen.. and wish you all a beautiful, spiritually uplifting, and liberating pesach!

2007-03-26T22:22:00.001-04:00

2007-02-12T22:54:00.000-05:00

(another brilliant picture borrowed from the brilliant gheemaker)

I’m beginning to think that I might need an internet/blog break.

Ok.. maybe not beginning – I’m completely convinced that I need one..

I spent the past shabbos with some nice families in a frum neighbourhood and I noticed something strange.. I was looking at everyone from a jaded blogger's perspective. These weren't just nice families, dressed in the latest trendy frummy fashion, with their little kids trailing behind them.. all of a sudden they were frustrated husbands, flirting wives, kids running off the derech, corrupt rabbis, dysfunctional families, sexually deprived youth, sexually obsessed chassidish ladies, discouraged frummies..

What I saw was disturbing, and frankly I don’t think it was justified. The people I met were lovely. They were friendly, warm, interesting and there was no reason to judge them so harshly, but the words I had read in the past few months just kept reappearing in my mind - blocking any kind of objective opinion I could have had.

It’s true that in the past I came across plenty of corruption and disappointment in the frum community, but over the years I’ve learned that humans are humans and just as I am weak at times or have wanted to give up, just as I often do things I later regret or disagree with – so do others. Just as others in the world succumb to temptation and negative urges, so do frum jews, and overtime I’ve made peace with that. The ideal world I first encountered eventually vanished and I came to accept the more realistic, complex human world I found instead.

But what happened on shabbos was different. For every person I came across - I found a blog to match them up with. I imagined them hiding with their laptop typing up their frustrations. What were originally personal issues suddenly became community problems.

I don’t want to be naïve but I also have no desire to go back to being a cynic. If I’ve learned anything in the recent past it’s that so much of how we interpret things, how we perceive and understand our environment is based on the attitude we choose to have. I have the ability to create worlds in my head that have very little to do with Reality and to believe them wholeheartedly. Coincidentally most of what we do believe is part of that imaginary reality we create. But I don’t want to be a cynic.

I have no doubts in my mind that there are sexual predators, cheating husbands, adulterous wives, miserable kiruv rabbis, disillusioned youth or corrupt leaders in the community, but I dont beleive it is as prevalent as it seems to be when your main sources of information are blogs or the 'highly reliable' internet news sources. Personal accounts and case studies are not reliable sources, they are the stories of individuals - one person’s reality, based on one person’s experiences and perception, a reality tainted by their experiences and their personal understanding of the universe.

The most amazing thing I realized however is that as much as I’m careful with what I read, the effect seems to be inevitable.

What the world hasn’t been able to do to the frum community, we are doing to ourselves - we are self destructing. In the name of bringing down taboos, destroying secrecy, opening up communication, we are violating privacy, tearing down families and communities and creating irreparable hopeless cynics.

When faults and weaknesses are magnified and gawked at and overanalysed, we lose the ability to perceive holistically. We are naturally pulled towards destruction, erosion, negativity, and feeding those forces only makes them stronger. We fool ourselves into believing that if we uncover it we will free ourselves of it, when in fact we are just strengthening it – and in the end we are the ones who suffer from it!

Global warming is a result of excessive pollution, they say, and we’ve all polluted - but none of us would purposely harm the environment if we could see the results of it instantaneously. The fact is that we can disconnect the cause from the effect. Similarly, In the spiritual world, we poison our souls, slowly, subtly, without realizing it. We distance ourselves from the result and sometimes even justify it, and the next thing we know..our heads are filled with negativity, gossip, accusations and doubts.

A majority of blogs criticize how judgemental others are, whether it’s white shirts, or hair coverings, everyone seems to feel victimized, stared at, unwanted, yet, the blogs end up coaching us on how to be judgemental. I can honestly say that I have not looked at one frum man’s shirt in the past 6 months in the same way as I used to. As soon as I notice a man's shirt color, I categorize him as either “the white_shirt_wearing judgemental and closed minded fanatic” or the “blue shirted rebellious frustrated blogger”. What the few white shirted fanatics did not manage to achieve, the rest of the bloggers have – they’ve taught me to categorize and judge people according to their dress.

All this to say, I think I need a break. I wish I could delete my blog and all the links I have and never come back. Truthfully, I do. As much as I have gained, as much as I’ve learned from the people I’ve met, as much as I love writing here, I feel like the flip side has been unbelievably damaging. As much as I would love to believe that it’s worth being here to teach myself and others an alternative way of viewing things, the fact is that, most of it is preaching to the choir, and the rest is just an excuse to feed my yetser hara into believing terrible accusations I’ve never personally seen or experienced. It’s an excuse for become judgemental, to accept all the frustration and disappointment, to give myself permission to distance myself from g-d. My own struggles are one thing, and I deal with them one-on-one with G-d, but when I take in the world’s struggles and try to deal with them, all I come up with is anxiety and despair, which leads to helplessness, and eventually distancing from the only One who really could help. I don’t want that.

I’m going away for a few weeks, so it will give me a little break. I wish I could say I wont be back.. but I probably will.. I do hope however that this little break will give me a little perspective and help me find a way to use my time and my brainpower more productively!

this makes me happppppy!

2007-02-03T20:26:00.000-05:00

shamelessly stolen from I'm Haaretz but.. ohhhh so worth it!

late night rambling

2007-01-25T00:51:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking...

Can you imagine ever telling a child that he's an idiot?
That he always messes up?
That he can't do anything right?
That he's slow and always in the wrong place at the wrong time?
That he’s disgusting and repulsive and that no one likes him?
That you hate him?

Most of us would never speak to a child that way and we'd be mortified to hear anyone else treat a child that way. We all know that what you tell a child, is what he will end up believing. You tell him he’s incompetent, and he will turn out to be incompetent. You tell him he's brilliant and beautiful and he will be brilliant and beautiful. A huge part of who we are is created from the feedback and reactions we get from those around us.. Especially those closest to us.

So, what amazes me is how easily we speak to ourselves that way. Everyone will tell you that there is a part of them, inside of them, that has never grown up, that is the exact same fragile and lonely child. A part of them that still wants to be a child and live life fearlessly, that is eager to take chances and push their limits. A vulnerable child that gets easily hurt, insulted, humiliated. The truth is when we speak to ourselves that way, it’s to that child that we are speaking to – who else would take that kind of abuse? That child inside of us that isn’t big enough to protect itself, it's insecure and easily bullied, and unfortunately believes the criticism.

The looking-glass self is a concept in psychology which refers to the way the reactions and perceived judgments of others towards us provide us with feedback about ourselves and through which we develop our sense of self. Our self-image is derived from the interaction between how we see ourselves and how others see us. We incorporate the views of others into our own self image and then act accordingly.

What I wonder though is how much of that do we do with ourselves. We have inside of us a diversity of characters, a rebellious teen, a spoiled child, an insecure lover, a demanding parent.. We analyze our behavior and we wonder how we ever stooped so low, or reached so high, how did we get so aggressive or how did we manage to be so sweet and tender. How does one person manage all those personas? The really incredible aspect of all this is that these different personalities and characters inside of us interact. One will give support to the other, while another brings the other down. One will teach and encourage, while one will confuse and destroy. The real challenge is knowing who to listen to.

Although I’m the first one who will admit to being cruel and insensitive to that weak, insecure inner child of mine, I also realize how detrimental it is to my personal growth and to achieving a satisfactory level of inner peace and contentment. When I visualize myself as an adult speaking to my inner child, I shudder at what I hear. I don’t deserve that kind of harshness, and that fragile inner self of mine definitely cannot handle it.

On the other hand, it amazes me to hear all the nice things people have to say about me, all the flattering feedback I receive. I don’t understand how they can have such a diametrically opposed perception of me than I have of myself. It seems that we choose to hear the feedback we want to hear. It’s much easier to hear negative feedback, to feed our insecurities and to confirm our weaknesses. In a way it gives us the freedom to be lazy, to be negative and cynical. Who wants to try and reach their potential when they can just give up before they even start? When I’m down on myself, I give up, I don’t even bother trying, I let myself wallow in self pity, self hate, self destruction. If I take into consideration the positive feedback I get from others, I feel obligated to try and fulfill their perception of me and its so much harder than just giving up and feeling helpless.

It's amazing how complex we are. We can believe one thing, be aware of why we believe it, understand what others believe, be aware of its effect on us, make a conscious decision to believe another thing and then unconsciously behave according to a different belief. We are so multifaceted and yet simplify our perception of ourselves to fit in with who we want to be.

I don’t know... the whole thing confuses me, amazes me, and overwhelms me..
I've been told I'm way too self absorbed and self-analytical..
hmm what do they know?!

"Society is an interweaving and interworking of mental selves.
I imagine your mind,
and especially what your mind thinks about my mind,
and what your mind thinks about what my mind thinks about your mind.
I dress my mind before yours
and expect that you will dress yours before mine.
Whoever cannot or will not perform these feats is not properly in the game."
(Cooley, Life and the student)

who are your heroes?

2007-01-19T11:23:00.000-05:00

oops
i forgot to tag..

*david_on_the_lake
*nuch a chosid
*skeptic ben torah
*flor
*chaverah
and anyone else who feels like it :)

have a beauteeeeeeeeeeful shabbos boys and girls!

cheese alert

2007-01-18T23:51:00.000-05:00

I’ve been tagged. AGAIN!
Gonzo wants to know who my heroes are.. and, I’ve been avoiding answering for the past couple of days... not because I'm anti-meme, but because I’m a little bit anti-hero..

I fully realize the importance of having people to look up to, people who inspire us and show us human capabilities put into action but, there is something about the idea of a "hero" that bothers me. It's always felt superficial, hypocritical and one dimensional. The Einstein's, Martin Luther King and Madonna’s of the world are no doubt talented people who have accomplished a lot, but to consider them my personal heroes? I just don’t relate to them. They have talents, qualities, abilities that I cant even fathom having, so how can that inspire me? We aren’t made of the same substance. Whatever they’ve accomplished has come at a price that I’m not necessarily ready or able to pay. To judge myself according to their success without taking into consideration their sacrifices is pointless. It’s not an accurate perception and only skews how I view my own capabilities.

I also feel like most typical heroes have accomplished feats which are publicly recognizable and tangible, and those things don’t usually impress me. I have no desire to invent something or to receive the noble prize or to accumulate any kind of material possessions. The kinds of things that impress me are usually things that very few people know, that seem small and unnoticeable or that end up changing the lives of very few.

I can admire certain heroic feats, or heroic qualities, but I can’t say that I have a "hero" - someone I look up to and try to emulate.

I admire people who can hold strong opinions, yet continue to learn and question and even change their views when presented with solid contrary evidence. Intellectual honesty is admirable.

I admire people who were able to hold on to their faith in the face of atrocities and extreme suffering, people who were able to trust their innate connection to G-d and fight to keep it despite the strong temptation to distance themselves.

I admire parents for working tirelessly to build a warm and safe home, for putting their children’s needs before theirs and for teaching strong values such as honesty, empathy, loyalty, and responsibility.

I admire baalei teshuva who not only caught up to their ffb counterparts but surpassed them in knowledge, dedication and character development.

I admire nonconformists who are not afraid of being humble, looked down upon, or made fun of in the name of doing the ”right” thing. I admire people who’ve made the correct moral choices when they could easily have gotten away with doing the wrong thing, people whose barometer of success is a clean conscience.

I admire those make do with little, appreciate what they have, and overcome their sense of despair, frustration and fear.

Despite how corny this sounds, the truth is that when I need to feel inspired and need a boost to get through a difficult time, I will often look back at what I have accomplished myself. I can view my challenges in the context of my life, my abilities, my weaknesses - it seems to be the most accurate. Only when I take all these into consideration can I really evaluate a hero. Since no one else shares these with me.. I guess I have to be my own hero.

hmm.. now I need a cool superhero cape..

Deconstructing the 'Somebody' Mystique :

Why should we demystify somebodies? We love our heroes. We worship geniuses. We're fascinated by celebrities. Why not leave them on their pedestals?

The idea that "somebody knows" is reassuring, comforting. Long before we discover that our parents and teachers are neither omniscient nor omnipotent, we are introduced to historical figures - religious and political leaders, scientists, and artists - who replace them in our adult imaginations. We leave school with the impression that these cultural icons are superhuman, a breed apart that stands in relation to us as we do to chimpanzees.

But excessive fascination with somebodies can interfere with our own mature pursuits of due recognition. Up to a point, role models are useful in this enterprise, and so are heroes. They open our minds to what we might make of ourselves. But if we idealize and romanticize them, or focus on the symbols and rewards of their success we miss the real story.

Instead of simply adulating famous persons, we should try to understand the conditions that allow for their emergence.
This means we must disenthrall ourselves with the somebody mystique. Imitating the hero's lifestyle does not give us his or her powers. Artists who rent garrets in Paris and writers who hang out at the Algonquin Hotel do not thereby further their creative endeavors. When childres play dress-up, they are preparing themselves for adulthood. WHen adults do it, they are mistaking lifestyle for life.

Dispelling the somebody mystique will require the creation of a new
understanding of somebodies. Just as we are weaned from our parents, so we demystify our idols if we are to realize ourselves fully as adults. In neither case does this mean disparagin those upon whom we have been dependent."

From Somebodies and Nobodies: Overcoming the Abuse of Rank by Robert W. Fuller

emotional vomit

2007-01-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you pray for clarity..
..................................................... and then you get it
but it’s not the answer you were hoping for..
You’re happy because you finally know what He wants from you
but a teeny-weeny you feels frustrated – ‘DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO’
You understand that it’s for you’re own good
....................... but you don’t like it
.................................... but you have to
.................................................. but you don’t
In reality you're glad because it’s clearly what’s best for you…
................................................... you remind yourself
But it’s still not the answer you were hoping for..
So you thank Him for the clarity,
for taking care of you,
for guiding you
But you mumble in passive-agressivity that it’s just not the way it was supposed to be..
and hope He will keep answering your prayers,
and keep giving you that clarity..
and mostly hope that you will soon merit the answer you’re looking for
..................................................................... reallysoon..

2007-01-10T11:24:00.000-05:00

I’m not back .. but..

Have you guys realized how difficult it is to make a commitment these days? Everyone talks about the dating crisis and we all want to be able to explain it and solve it - well here is my attempt.

I think we live in a society where we have lost the ability to commit. In order to get married, you need to make a conscious, clearheaded decision to spend the rest of your life with one person. Every day, for the rest of your life, you will have to see this person, share a house with this person, eat dinner with this person, discuss your life issues with this person, have children with this person, share a mortgage with this person, go on vacation with this person... It’s forever.

(am I the only one getting sweaty palms and heart palpitations just from writing/reading this??)

I was thinking about how people have been picking a mate or getting married throughout history and it's never been a problem as it is today. Why is it so much more difficult for us then it was for them? Didn’t they have the same worries and fears? Weren’t they as commitment phobic as we are? What’s changed between then and now?

When I look at how I live my life today I realize that there is nowhere else and nothing else in my life that requires a strong commitment.

Education is inexpensive, I can get a degree and then decide not to work in that field! Can you imagine anyone doing that 30-50 years ago?! People slaved so they could go to college, it was a commitment.

Someone can start a career in one field and 10 years later decide to switch careers – something unheard of to our parents.

Clothing, we have in bulk. Who worries when buying an article of clothing that they will be “stuck with it” - but our grandparents must have felt that way. If you have two suits, one for the week and one for shabbos, you’re going to have to use your committing skills to buy your suits. They’re there for good! Every day! But we don’t have that problem - how many of us have clothes hanging in our closet that still have the tag attached?

The truth is, many of us don’t even try clothes on in the store anymore, we buy what we like, go home, try it on, and if we don’t like it, we return it. Refund policies save us from making a commitment even after we’ve paid!

How many of us feel pressured when we buy a car? Who needs to even buy one – just lease! 3 years later you can get a new car!

We can’t even set up an appointment with a friend and commit to it. We agree to call each other an hour before - to confirm. We all have cell phones, 20 years ago if you had to meet a friend in the evening, you made plans the evening before, knowing you wouldn’t be able to reach them until then. Today we agree to discuss it later..no one wants to commit – to anything! Not only don’t we want to, but we don’t need to.

So.. in a society where everything is a disposable commodity, including people, how can we be expected to commit to another human being for the rest of our lives. "I have to pick ONE person – FOREVER?! What’s the exchange policy? The refund policy? THERE IS NONE?!"

Think about it, when was the last time you had to make a real long term commitment without the option of safely backing out? Of course there’s a dating/shidduch/marriage crisis, our committing muscles are shrinking!

We don’t feel the need to get too involved in anything or with anyone. Our connections turn out to be superficial, because those are the muscles we’ve developed – we can connect in a shallow, safe way because we know that we always have the option of backing out. Whether it’s buying a first house, with a $5000 down payment, or leasing a car, or making a big trip on air miles we earned buying countless things we didn’t really need, the result is that we never feel the need to get overly connected, overly involved, overly committed to any decision we make.

Last year I got stuck in a one year apartment lease with a roommate I didn’t want to be with anymore – let me know tell you, the hardest part about the whole ordeal was knowing that I was “stuck”, that I couldn’t pick up and go. I felt so frustrated with myself for committing to a one year obligation that I had no way out of – and now I’m expected to commit to a lifetime roommate??

Someone please tell me how it’s done - I can honestly say that my commitment muscles have completely atrophied and I really don’t understand how others do it, or have done it.

Any words of wisdom to share?

And now.. I’ll BRB..

2007-01-08T13:07:00.000-05:00

2007-01-02T09:29:00.000-05:00

I received this email from Lakewood venter and I thought it was great!
I actually once heard another answer to the question asked - I'll post it below!
***
Question of the Week:

Dear Rabbi,

Why does the Jewish religion seem to obsess over insignificant details? How much matza do we have to eat, which spoon did I use for milk and which for meat, what is the right way to tie my shoelaces? It seems to me that this misses the bigger picture by focusing on minutiae. Is this nitpicking what Jews call spirituality?
(I actually already sent you this question over a week ago and didn't receive a reply. Could it be that you have finally been asked a question that you can't answer?!)

Rob

Answer:

Dear Rob,

I never claimed to have all the answers. There are many questions that are beyond me. But it happens to be that I did answer your question, and you did get the answer. I sent a reply immediately. The fact that you didn't receive it is itself the answer to your question.

You see, I sent you a reply, but I wrote your email address leaving out the "dot" before the "com". I figured that you should still receive the email, because after all, it is only one little dot missing. I mean come on, it's not as if I wrote the wrong name or something drastic like that! Would anyone be so nitpicky as to differentiate between "yahoocom" and " yahoo.com"? Isn't it a bit ridiculous that you didn't get my email just because of a little dot?

No, it's not ridiculous. Because the dot is not just a dot. It represents something. That dot has meaning far beyond the pixels on the screen that form it. To me it may seem insignificant, but that is simply due to my ignorance of the ways of the web. All I know is that with the dot, the message gets to the right destination; without it, the message is lost to oblivion.

Jewish practices have infinite depth. Each nuance and detail contains a world of symbolism. And every dot counts. When they are performed with precision, a spiritual vibration is emailed throughout the universe, all the way to G-d's inbox.

If you want to understand the symbolism of the dot, study I.T.
If you want to understand the symbolism of Judaism, study it.

All the best,
Rabbi Moss

***

Nice answer, no?
I once heard another answer to this question that I really loved a lot.
A rabbi I heard said: (I'm paraphrasing!)
"My wife doesn't want or need anything. She's happy with what she has. Whenever I want to get her a gift, she tells me she's happy and there is nothing that she needs. I want to show her how much I love her, I want to express to her how much she means to me, I want to be able to get closer to her, to make her happy, to get to know her inside out, but she tells me she doesnt need anything.
Now, if one day she were to take me into a library with bookshelf after bookshelf filled with thousands of books from floor to ceiling, and she told me 'See all these books, i wrote them. I wrote them for you. You asked me what you can do to get to know me better, to get closer to me, to make me happy, well, it's all in these books. Read them. Learn them. Get to know me. Learn how to make me happy.' I would run into that room and read every single one of these books, i would devour them, and i would follow every instruction in there. Not only that, but i would be SO greatful that i would finally know how to please my wife, how to get closer to her, how to finally make her happy'.
Of course this story is a mashal for the torah Hashem gave us and the reasons why it's so beloved to us, down to the tiniest detail. If we view Hashem as someone we love with all our heart and soul, it's normal that we want to get closer to Him, we want to follow every detailed instruction He gave us.
That's why we care about the details. When you love someone, you want to know every intricate detail about them, and you desperately want to make them happy. We follow the Torah, down to the smallest detail - out of love."

Beautiful.

2006-12-28T17:57:00.001-05:00

i lost a comment about furry fruit..
has anyone seen it?

weirdo!

2006-12-28T07:20:00.001-05:00

I was tagged by nemo and sara with no h to do this meme and list 6 'weird' things about myself..

1. I once killed a deer. I drove right into it, and I could swear our eyes locked right before impact. I remember perfectly those big deer eyes looking into mine - begging me not to hit it..
eeks!

2. I have this annoying habit of leaving dirty kleenex and dirty socks EVERYWHERE - under my bed, under the table, in the sofa, under my cover, over my covers, behind my computer, in my pockets, in my purse, under my pillow..

3. When i go to the supermarket or to the pharmacy, i always feel the need to walk up and down every isle (OCD much!?)!! Even if I know what i want to buy, and I know where I can find it, I'll still usually make a quick run through the other isles - (from one end of the store to the other!)

4. I have a serious taste aversion/phobia/hate of lentils.

5. I've used a netipot, and it was kinda.. interesting :)

6. I can't really tell my left from my right. If I take the time to think about it, I'll work it out, but on the spot it's impossible. They can both feel like a left or a right! (this is a problem when I try setting the table, hiking, skiing, playing pool... anything where I need to pick a hand (or foot) ends up confusing me!!

and now it's my turn to tag 6 more bloggers .. tell us about your weirdness ..
random bochur
davidonthelake
intellectual coctail
the sabra
kaenahora
chasidisheshaigitz

Your Quirk Factor: 66%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal.
No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

2006-12-22T11:14:00.000-05:00

wishing you all a sweet shabbos

& an incredible chanuka -

full'o'shining.illuminating.bright.clarifying.happy light!

p.s. im not done with my last post - ill reply to comments soon. thank you all for your feedback!

2006-12-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

I don't know if I want to be a BT anymore...

What does that mean?

Well, it doesn’t mean that I’m questioning whether I want to be religious or not. That decision was made years ago and has been reiterated on a daily basis since, some days with more conviction, some days with less.
What it does mean, though, is that I wonder whether I like to consider myself a BT or not.

Here’s my dilemma -

on the one hand…
It’s frustrating not feeling like an integral part of the normalized frum community. I always feel like I’m a little bit of an outsider. I don’t always know the slang; I don’t always understand references that are made; I don’t always get the inside jokes. I don’t like feeling clued out, and in this environment, where I don’t want to stand out anymore than necessary I often nod and smile and hope we can move on to something else before my cover’s blown!

The thing I especially don’t like is the tone of voice or the attitude people sometimes have when they speak to me. It’s a little bit condescending, a little bit patronizing, and sometimes even a little bit mocking. Becoming and being a BT is a process that you evolve in - it has beginning stages, and more advanced stages. It frustrates me that many in the frum community seem to have this impression that bt’s have abandoned their senses, that they’ve adopted a fairytale-like life style, bought into the party line - without questioning. It’s this subtle accusation of being naïve and blinded to the reality of things, of having been swept off your feet by an emotional, spiritual impulse and living blindly since.

Granted, the beginning stages probably are very much like that - or else why would anyone ever be interested! Of course it looks utopic at first glance, but this utopia comes with a one-dimensional view of torah life. Perhaps some people never leave that utopia, never develop depth of vision – but I assume that these same people would live with a one dimensional, flat, outlook on life regardless of their religious level.

For the rest of us, once the first burst of inspiration starts to fizzle out, reality sets in and by that point we are usually stuck in a place where we know there is truth to what we've been taught, but its not as simple as it originally seemed. Suddenly additional dimensions are revealed.

Some people give up at that point, and you will often find bt’s who started out all inspired and quickly dropped out once they realized it was much deeper and much more complex than they originally believed. But many of us, convinced we are on the right path, take on the challenge and develop and evolve with our newfound perception of this truth. With the realization of the multidimensional aspect of a torah lifestyle comes depth and understanding that wasn’t possible at the beginning.

The problem is that many ffb’s don’t seem to realize that this change has happened, that the naivete and the simplicity that bt’s first connected to is long gone. I hate when it is assumed that I think and believe the way I do out of naivete or being blinded. To be a truth seeker often implies having a certain degree of skepticism and cynicism. And to a natural skeptic and cynic, being called naïve is insulting. Changing your lifestyle, believing in a G-d and a Torah with no more than 51% “proof” is difficult enough as it is, but to then be told that the reason you’re so eager and excited about this way of life is that you’re being a “BT”, is really hurtful, and worse – doubt-inducing.

Being a bt, there isn’t a day that I don’t wonder if I did the right thing. The doubts are fleeting and in most cases dealt with with ease, but being reminded by the same people who brought you in that maybe there is value to those doubts is terribly disappointing.

So that’s why I don’t like thinking of myself as a bt, I want to just blend in, disappear into the crowd. I'm tired of being scrutinized and babied and feeling like an outsider. I want my current struggles, struggles very similar to any observant person, to be validated, not mocked.

on the other hand…
Being a bt means I get to have my doubts, and voice them.
I get to decide every day that I accept g-d and torah
I get to baby step, and accept my weaknesses, without excessive guilt.
I get more room to accept my past mistakes – recent and not so recent past.
It allows me to keep searching and learning without feeling pigeonholed into any one path of Judaism.
It gives me the freedom to be myself within a system that requires compliance and uniformity.

So..
I don’t know what I want.
I find myself playing both cards.

I think at this point in my life I’d like to let go of the BT card and just deal with the challenges of being part of a frum community. Not that I want to give up on my strengths and what I have to offer on a personal, individual basis, but just to blend in and take on the struggles of the general frum population. I often think I have made that jump, and I am part of the frum community, and I am blending in, and struggling with the same issues, doubts, habits, but then someone comes along and makes a simplistic derogatory comment about me being a bt, or about bt’s in general and I find myself switching camps and getting defensive.

I guess that means I’m not ready to really switch over. But I’m not sure there will ever be an appropriate time..

I know I’m asking for trouble, but I would love to hear what ffb’s think of bt’s. Do it anonymously if you want. I’m not looking for praise or admiration – I want to hear the truth. If any of you have ever had any resentment or dislike of bt’s, this is your time to voice it. Maybe if I hear what all the complaints and issues and criticisms are and I deal with them, I’ll finally be able to get it out of my system and fully integrate myself into the normalized community.
…or not!

2006-12-13T10:00:00.000-05:00

There have been times in my life when I've felt so strong and positive, where I've been on a real growing path. I've felt myself getting more connected and inspired and it motivated me to keep growing and developing my relationship with Hashem.

There have been other times, however, that I've felt disconnected, unwanted, locked up in spiritual solitary confinement. At its worst, I’ve described it as G-d ‘closing the door on me’ (ch'v) and leaving me out in the cold. I’ve felt detached, doubtful and generally disconnected and I’ve had a really hard time understanding why that happens.

Some of those times have come after not having been so involved or dedicated to my avodat hashem, and so i always assumed it was related. But it recently happened unexpectedly - from one day to the next, I've felt like I couldnt relate and couldnt connect anymore.
I've been working hard to try to make sense of it.

We keep saying that if we try harder
daven with more kavana
stay focused on our goals..
we’ll connect to Hashem better and feel more inspired.

As if it's in our hands and we have control over how close we feel to Him.

But why should that be? We know that G-d works on the 'efforts' system. He doesn’t expect results from us, he expects effort. The results are in His hands. All I’m responsible for is my effort, for doing my best, trying my hardest, making correct decisions, but the results are not in my hands. Whether I get the job/get the guy/pass the exam/ get sick, is all in His hands. I do my best, I follow His "suggestions" but He decides what I truly NEED (not what i deserve) in return.

Of course my responsibility is to try, to put in the hishtadlut, but my successes and failures are not directly correlated to my efforts. Anyone who tries to live according to strict cause and effect quickly becomes very disappointed. It just doesn’t work that way.

Sometimes we get hand-outs we don’t deserve, and sometimes we work hard and don’t get results – and as torah observant jews we can accept that - in the material world.

So why do we assume it’s any different in the spiritual world?

Who says that if you daven harder, you’ll feel more connected or you'll have more clarity? If you perform mitzvas with more love and devotion, you’ll have an easier time feeling closer to hashem? Of course those are the things G-d has asked us to do in order to get close to Him and so they do get us closer, but how can we presume to understand how His accounting system works, why do we assume we will FEEL closer?

Is it possible that just as Hashem decides that someone needs to be poor or ill - for their own good and their own growth - that He can decide that someone should have a harder time feeling a connection to Him. Maybe it’s for our benefit to feel distanced, or not to feel so inspired? But, and this is the big important BUT, that doesn’t mean that G-d is not approving of our efforts, that we aren’t actually closer to Him. It just means that we are not in control and we cannot pull the strings and decide how close we will feel, how clear His intervention will be, how strongly we will relate to the connection.

I read something the other day that I really loved (A Daily Dose of Wisdom from the Rebbe) - not so much because it was unusual or revolutionary but because it expressed so well how I’ve felt at certain times in my life.

The Invisible Prison
The worst prison is when G-d locks you up. He doesn't need guards or cells or stone walls. He simply decides that, at this point in life, although you have talent, you will not find a way to express it. Although you have wisdom, there is nobody who will listen. Although you have a soul, there is nowhere for it to shine. And you scream, "Is this why you sent a soul into this world? For such futility?"
That is when He gets the tastiest essence of your juice squeezed out from you.

This amazed me, because it’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. I’ve felt imprisoned. I’ve desperately wanted to get closer to Hashem, to feel more inspired, I’ve tried, I’ve cried… but it's just not working the way it has in the past.

My instinct is to think that I’m not trying hard enough, I’m reading the wrong books, not praying hard enough, behaving inappropriately, or maybe I’m being punished - maybe I’ve done something wrong and I’m not wanted anymore.. I don’t know..every possibility sounds more far-fetched than the last.. but I’m grabbing at straws because I just don’t understand it.

A friend of mine explained to me that sometimes G-d hides His light a little more than usual so that we crave it a little more. Sometimes it’s not our actions that interest Him as much as our desire to get closer. After all, the actions are simply tools to get close - sometimes Hashem wants to see how much we really want it..

It’s easy when you’re doing everything right and you feel that it’s bringing you closer to Him, but how many of us can keep doing everything right when we don’t feel closer, when we pray and our heart feels like stone, when we keep pushing ourselves and not seeing results. How many of us manage to stay focused and thankful to Hashem.. and how many of us start developing doubts and resentment?

The reason I liked that “prison” image is because it described my desire to be free, to want to feel alive, while feeling constrained, trapped in a contained space, feeling like I'm bouncing off the walls, desperate to let out energy. You beg and plead to be let out, you cry and question yourself, you pray with all your heart to be liberated, to feel G-d taking you in.. but it doesnt happen.

Being aware that I’m in this "prison" that I’m stuck between four walls, and that the door is locked from the outside and there's things nothing I can do but wait to be let out, is helpful in dealing with these feelings. I can accept the situation I’m in, stop fighting it – stop fighting myself, stop blaming myself - and instead focus my energy on trying to live in the moment, doing my best, trying my hardest. Showing hashem, the One I loved and felt so close to a few months back, that I’m still just as interested, still just as much in love, still just as desperate to feel close to Him, even when it’s dark, and I don’t see my potential being actualized.

It’s an amazing relief to realize that my ONLY job is to try. Instead of focusing on the results, on how close I feel to Him, I turns inwards and measure how much I’ve done, how much I’m capable of.

It’s easy to get lazy when you are under the impression that you control the outcome.
- If I pray well – I’ll feel this close, and if I pray quickly, I wont feel so close.
- So.. today I think I’ll take it easy, I don’t really feel the need to be close
- And today I really need His helping hand, I think I’ll daven harder.
It doesnt work that way.

But when you realize that you can pray hard, and not feel close, and that you can do nothing and get a big burst of inspiration, you start to pray with only one objective, to get close, to make Him happy, to make yourself happy. Regardless of the results. I think that in itself is a level, to be able to acknowledge that. It's not a place I want to be in, but like I wrote in the past - you use the clarity you gained when it was day, to illuminate your way in the dark. You trust that the feelings will come back, the closeness will return, and you do your best in the meantime to show Him how much you mean it and desire it.

2006-12-11T08:01:00.000-05:00

So let me see if I understand this correctly..

Palestinian gunmen shot up the car of a PA officer in a street crowded with children, killing 3 of them.

So, it wasn’t an Israeli plane, it wasn’t an Israeli attacker.
It was a Palestinian shooting at another Palestinian.
Of course there is no outrage, no denunciations, no accusations
It’s normal, isn’t it? We expect it, don’t we? it's almost as if this is the normal way for people to behave within their own nation.

What's interesting though is that what seems to happen in this conflict, really has very little to do with what goes on militarily. The world doesn’t realize what we already know, but sometimes it seems like the Palestinians do - "What Israel couldn't do by force, we were able to do with internal dispute, lack of leadership, accompanied by economic pressure and the siege on Gaza."

It seems that their own internal fighting is doing the job they accuse us of.

The most interesting in this situation though, is that they still manage to convince themselves that despite their own madness, it’s still our fault that they are suffering.

Do you mean to say that if Israel did not exist, there would suddenly be democracy in Egypt, that the schools in Morocco would be better, that the public clinics in Jordan would function better?

I think so.

Can you please explain to me what the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has to do with these problems?

The Palestinian cause is central for Arab thinking.

In the end, is it a matter of feelings of self-esteem?

Exactly. It's because we always lose to Israel. It gnaws at the people in the Middle East that such a small country as Israel, with only about 7 million inhabitants, can defeat the Arab nation with its 350 million. That hurts our collective ego. The Palestinian problem is in the genes of every Arab. The West's problem is that it does not understand this.

And I'm supposed to believe this is a conflict operating according to the laws of nature?

uh huh.. sure..

They dont need us to kill them, occupy them, destroy them -
they are pawns ..
we are pawns ..
the rules of the game are other than they realize..than many of us realize..
their bombs dont kill us, our disengagement plans dont expel us.
we play our part, they play their parts
but it's still all parts being played out by actors..
a cosmic performance, directed by the One above.

2006-12-07T00:22:00.000-05:00

People often have this misconception that older singles are just being picky. I know I’m really open-minded and always give guys a fair chance, but sometimes that criticism starts to put doubt in my mind. I start to wonder what I did or what I am doing wrong to be in this situation. When people keep giving you advice on how you should be acting in order to get married, you start to believe that it must be your fault and that can really get in the way of doing what you should be doing which is staying positive and not falling into despair.

Sometimes I look around and see what's out there. Of course I don’t want to say that all the good guys are taken, but truthfully, sometimes it does feel that way. The thing is that I have no doubts that men feel the same way about the single women. But it doesn’t make sense to me. If the good guys think all the good women are already taken, and all the good women think all the good men are taken, why aren’t the good men and good women meeting up?

Someone forwarded me a great article this morning that I wanted to share.

What I realized is that it’s probably not only the singles that have the problem described in this article, in fact lots of people must. When people who got married easily, at a young age, criticize or "give advice" out to singles, they often don’t realize how difficult it is for a mature self-aware adult to accept the choice of potential spouses they are faced with. These people are used to their own spouse and their friends spouses and don’t realize that we are dealing with a completely different reality.

I think singles out there who read this will be somewhat comforted by it and I hope others who read this will get a bit of insight into the situation we’re dealing with with.

Why Are All the Good Hubands Already Taken?
By Aron Moss

Question:
Here is the dating paradox: Why are all the good guys already taken? Why are my friends' husbands all such wonderful people, and the guys I meet all seem to be missing something?

Answer:
It's not that the good guys are taken--it is that a "taken" guy is more desirable. Loving and being loved brings out the best in us. So a guy in a relationship does have something that the available guys are missing--someone to love.

A painting will always look better once it is framed and hung on the wall. A couch is far more attractive in a home than in a showroom. And people are more beautiful when they have found love. The human soul is only truly itself when it has opened up to someone else.

When we love someone, we are more alive. Our feelings are more vivid, our sensitivity is heightened and our personalities flourish. When we are loved by someone, we feel more confident and free, content and complete.

We can share love with our family and friends, but until we find our soulmate we are only half a person. It is when man and woman come together that they are the image of G-d, they are complete.

You can't go furniture shopping in someone else's living room. And you can't compare the guys you date to your friends' husbands. A complete person doesn't need you. A half seeking their missing half does.

Feel your halfness, and recognize the halfness in another. Then you'll find there are plenty of wonderful guys out there. One is waiting for you. Without you, he's only half the guy he could be.

perfect for a sunday morning chuckle

2006-12-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

2006-12-01T09:56:00.000-05:00

m00kie's tip of the day:

if youre having trouble...
praying with kavana
or doing tshuva
or feeling connected..

go to the dentist!

being trapped in the dentist's chair, with drills and other intimidating, sharp, scary instruments in your mouth will put the fear of G-d in you..

Thanks Jameel@TheMuqata for this perfect video :)

la boheme..

2006-11-30T09:26:00.000-05:00

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe,

a part limited in time and space.

He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest

- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.

This delusion is a kind of prison for us,

restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us.

Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison

by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures

and the whole of nature in its beauty."

~Albert Einstein

2006-11-26T19:14:00.000-05:00

I painted my bedroom RED today!
Of course I had plenty of time to think while I did it, so here are some of the lessons I learned..

When I decided to paint my room red, everyone close to me tried to discourage me. The said: “its too dark...its difficult to do on your own.. its too messy.. it’ll make the room look smaller.. just hire someone to do it.. green is more relaxing…”

Now that it’s done and looks AMAZING, they’re all going to tell me what a great idea it was, what a great job I did, how they’ve always wanted to do something similar and didn’t have the guts.

Lesson n# 1 When someone tries to discourage you and you really know/feel it’s the right thing to do.. Ignore them! Take chances! The regret of messing up something is never as great as the regret of not giving it a try.

Before you paint the walls, you need to paint the borders so that you don’t mess up the floor and ceiling. Its time consuming, detailed work, but if you don’t do it you end up colouring out of the lines!

Lesson n#2 Spiritual boundaries to protect us from doing the inevitable. We all like getting as close as possible to the edge, we never think we’re going to mess up, but if there’s no fence to hold us back, we often end up falling over.

The darker or stronger the colour of the paint – in this case dark red – the more the blemishes on the wall are noticeable, the more the streaks stand out and the more you have to be careful with every brush stroke to cover all the old paint and not leave any unwanted imperfections in the paintjob.

Lesson n#3 The greater someone is, the more we notice their tiny slip-ups, mistakes and shortcomings. The greater someone is, the more they have to be careful about every seemingly trivial action they take, as every fault will inevitably be detected in virtue of their greatness.

If you try to cut corners, get lazy and don’t cover the floor with newspaper or don’t clean up after yourself, you’ll end up spending way longer doing touch-ups and cleaning up the mess you left behind in your eagerness to get the job done quickly.

Lesson n#4 It’s pointless to try and rush through major self-transformation, if you skip baby steps you’ll end up spending twice as long doing damage control. Better to take your time and do things step by step, and clean up small messes and overcome small challenges as they present themselves, and avoid a major crash and lengthy corrections.

It took me two days of work to finish painting the whole room - it was exhausting - but I now have an amazingly beautiful funky red bedroom to chill in.

Lesson n#5 short term hard work leads to long term pleasure.

Trading Spaces and other home improvement television shows feed us lies, deception and straight out rubbish. They make it seem way simpler than it actually is.

Lesson n#6 Don’t believe what you see on TV!

I love my new red room!

Lesson n#7 it’s the simple pleasures in life, especially those you’ve worked
hard at achieving that make you happy!

Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner

2006-11-21T22:46:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: RESPONSE BELOW

Dear Sweet Holy Moshiach,

We would like to invite you to our temple rebuilding party NOW in Jerusalem. We hear you are wonderful company and it would be a real pleasure to have you among us. As you arrive, please beware of the

flying benches,

soaring books,

airborne shtenders,

burning garbage,

pipebombs,

name-calling,

face-slapping,

hate and violence.

Unfortunately many of our guests tend to get a little rowdy when they are kept waiting too long. We expect the delay to have been worth it, but be advised that in the meantime all semblance of sanity has left our people. If it’s any consolation, many of the guests we hope to attract will not be waiting for you and have no idea that you exist, but from the rest of us, you can expect a huge sigh of relief. All in all we expect everyone to be pleasantly surprised by your arrival. We hope you will not get too frightened by the mob scene and pandemonium that await your arrival as we very much look forward to having you celebrate this new world order with us.

Believing and waiting impatiently,
Your (confused and frightened) supporters in need of serious salvation.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real persons or situations is purely a fabrication of your (or my) guilty conscience. Please note that this post is not meant to point a finger at anyone, it's actually pointing every finger at everyone.. we all need to WAKE UP..

Beautiful response to the post above (thanks flör)

Dear Supporters(s),

I like to thank you for your kind words, support and inherent belief in my arrival. Sadly, I have had to make some stops along that way that hadn't been factored into the schedule, but hey-- what can you do? Gd does as Gd plans.

Interesting you warn me of these shenanigans..there are times I could swear I hear the ruckus all the way here! When that happens I stop to listen more closely..usually this is accompanied by a great wave of despondence on my part; a sadness so tremendous it takes me weeks to recover.

Then again there are those times -while few and far-between- I hear music in the wind that wends it's way down the long dusy paths of my travels. Clear notes awash in purity, drenched in tears and saturated with longing..and all the while the sun beams down in pride, and the celestial beings glow. Bluest-of-blue waves cavort along the pristine beaches; giggling as they crash on home..the tens of thousands grains of sand wait patiently.

Famished from my long trek-- goodness knows I'm looking forward to the grand feast that awaits. Delicacies of creamy sacrificial offerings, scintillating dithyrambs and manificent...ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself..

Be advised that though I may be 'late', never fear I will forget, or worse-- never arrive. Would I like to be there promptly? Absolutely. But as of now the road is long. I keep my eye upon the great white building in the distance; that magnificent edifice with a golden 'crown' glinting round it's roof. Faint column of smoke rising from the courtyard..do I imagine that sweet scent now on the breeze?

Yours Truly [madly & deeply],

SHM (Sweet Holy Mashiach)

p.s.- Please, keep up those musical bits, I put them on lay-away so we'll have more to dance to coming up..in addition to them to keep me going. Will email when I get to the next rest stop (45 mi).

2006-11-15T14:08:00.000-05:00

at first they were tears of jealousy...why them and not her? she wondered
and then tears of worry...would her turn ever come?
then came tears of loneliness...would she have to spend the rest of her nights in solitude?
and tears of pain...how much more rejection and disappointment would she suffer?
then there were tears of sadness...would she get to raise her children as a young mommy?
and tears of fear...would she ever get to hold her own baby?
then tears of regret...how many mistakes had she made along the way?
and tears of anger...did He forget her?? she wondered
then came tears of exhaustion...how much more would she have to endure?

but the real tears came at the end.. when it occurred to her that she had spent her whole life in tears...

2006-11-11T18:44:00.000-05:00

Someone sent me an article from the Chinese Journal of Medicine (Vol. 70) which makes a connection between Tefilin and acupuncture. It's a couple of years old but I thought it was very cool.

Acupuncture is a medical procedure used in Chinese Medicine where needles are inserted into certain specific points in the body - acupuncture points - and which is beleived to bring about relief and heal a variety of ailments by rebalancing 'yin, yang and chi' (don't even ask me what that is - google it! :)

"The acknowledged purpose of the tefillin is to raise the spiritual consciousness of the men who wear it. If we examine where the knots and wrappings are placed from a TCM point of view, it appears that the tefillin and wraps form a potent acupuncture point formula focused on the Governing vessel (DuMai) and aimed at elevating the spirit and clearing the mind."

"The Governing Vessel (Du Mai) is an extra-ordinary meridian that runs up the spine and penetrates the brain. It is well known for its ability to treat psychiatric disorders and influence the mind. The spiritual action of points on the Governing vessel can be explained because it has the closest relationship with the brain, which according to pre-Inner Classic and later Daoist traditions is considerde to be the seat of the spirit."

Acupuncture points are mapped out and named (ex: DU-24, DU-70, DU-23 etc..). This article establishes that the points covered by the hand and head tefilin are exactly those points where the acupuncture needles are inserted in order "to clear the mind and harmonise the spirit."

This isn't really suprising.. is it?
But it's still fun to know.. isn't it?

I love finding connections and seeing harmony in the Universe. It's so easy to get distracted from the world of truth when we get lost so easily in a world that seems disconnected and incoherent...but Truth is all about UNITY. There is no chizuk like finding synchronicity. G-d cant expect only those "lucky" few in boropark to have access to His wisdom and truth, it only makes sense that we find connections, hints, allusions, links.. in the world around us that lead us back to Him.

2006-11-09T10:13:00.000-05:00

Why does everyone look so grumpy in the morning? How is anyone expected to have a decent day at work when the first thing we’re faced with in the morning is a crowded mass of grumpyness? The misery that accosts us when taking the subway to work in the morning is depressing enough to drive anyone into the tracks. Are people really that miserable going to work? If so, why aren’t we doing anything about it? How is it that countless people are accepting this miserable excuse of an existence without a fight?

I sit on the subway and I look around.. I try imagine what goes on in people's minds – I think that young guy is daydreaming of his lazy Sunday morning he spent with his kids, and that lady is fantasizing about a romantic vacation with her lover on a white sandy beach, and that college kid in his stuffy new suit is dreaming of backpacking across asia, and this one wishes he could see sunlight more often.. while they all robotically maneover through their morning routine – slide the metrocard, walk to the platform, stare into space, walk onto the subway, hold on to the railing, day dream of REAL life, walk off the subway, mindlessly follow the crowds, walk into the office, smile hello, make coffee… and survive the day on automatic pilot until its time for the same subway routine after work.

Sometimes I just want to get up and yell for everyone to just WAKE UP!

But then I just mind my own business, stick my head back into my book and immerse myself in a written world that promises me depth, drama, and thought provoking endings.

Is it human nature or is it society that’s driven us to living this way? Are we supposed to accept it as inevitable or do we spend our lives fighting it?

I dont know...it’s way too early in the morning to be thinking about all this..

battle cry

2006-11-07T09:51:00.000-05:00

I HAVE TO FACE MY FEARS
~HEAD ON~

enough running away, enough hiding, enough pretending, enough avoiding

FEAR is the mind killer
fear is the MIND killer
fear is the mind KILLER

I have to kill it before it kills me

time is flying ahead, afraid of nothing
and I’m falling behind..

i need to beat the !*#$% out of it
IT’S NOT REAL!!

What am i so afraid of? I mean, honestly!! what's going to happen? someone wont like me? i'll upset someone? i'll fail at something? my boss wont be happy? my parents will be disapointed? i wont be as incredibly brilliant and amazing as i want to delude myself into believing i am? what the heck am i so afraid of? why it does it paralyze me this way? i'm intelligent, i'm rational, i'm self aware, so how does it just always manage to hijack my sanity and corner me into submission. there is no outcome that is more painful than the regrets i have. There is no situation I cant handle, I really beleive that. I've overcome, I've surpassed, I'm capable - so how does it manage to sneak into the tiny slivers of doubt i have an inflate them into brick walls I can't get past.

I just have to get past it. the price is too high. i can't stop time , so i better make the most of it while it's around. i HAVE to stop being afraid.

There are no monsters under my bed..it's just dirty old socks!!

UPDATE - I FACED MY FEAR!!! and am alive to blog about it.. woooohoooo more power to meeeeee!

everything is illuminated

2006-11-02T23:34:00.000-05:00

Lehagid baboker chasdecha ve'emunat'cha baleilot (Tehillim (92:3)

David hamelech comes through once again..

Emunah isn’t blind belief - it's belief based on knowledge.. the knowledge I acquired when my vision was clear.

In the morning, the sun shines and it provides me with a vivid understanding of G-d’s kindness - and it’s a pleasure to give praise.

But when nighttime comes, and it gets dark and gloomy, confusing and obscure, I suddenly don't see what's right in front of me so clearly. It’s at that time that I trust my belief, my conviction based on the clarity I experienced earlier.

The permanence of His existence isn’t dependent on my clarity of vision.

Objects don’t cease existing when the light is turned off – I just rely on my other senses and have confidence in the memories created when there was illumination.

In the darkness of the night, I trust that what I saw with such clarity in the daytime is still there.
My emunah is awakened.. and I continue to seek.. and praise.

stumbling in the dark

2006-10-31T13:39:00.000-05:00

How many times have you forgotten to turn on the bathroom light before shabbat started and found yourself stumbling to the toilet for the next 25 hours? It’s annoying, it’s unpleasant, but it’s manageable. Most of us know the routine with our eyes closed, we don’t fall in, we don’t miss, we don’t trip, we don’t drown.. Somehow we just turn off our conscious brain and manage on the part of the brain that works on habit, experience and faith!

That’s basically how I’ve been feeling - spiritually speaking - for the past few weeks; I’ve been stumbling in the dark.

For as long as I’ve been Torah observant, my behavior and my beliefs have been secured on two fronts - intellectual and emotional.

On the intellectual side, I've read books, asked questions, spoken to countless people and studied many years. Although I don’t believe there is 100% proof of anything, for many, many years I have felt confident that there was proof beyond a reasonable doubt regarding the existence of G-d and the Torah.

I’ve continued to question, but I’ve questioned from the inside out. I accept the premise that the Torah is valid and authentic and when inconsistencies arise I take for granted that the mistake is in my perception or in my understanding, and not in the Torah itself. That may seem like a cop-out to some, but it’s a choice we all make. No one can remain sitting on the edge, sometimes looking in, sometimes looking out.
You’re either IN the torah - looking outwards to the world and trying to make sense of the world according to the reality of the Torah
or
you're IN the world, looking outwards to the torah and trying to make the torah fit the reality of the world.
I made that choice years ago and since then I can honestly say that I have very rarely had real intellectual doubts regarding the truth of my chosen path.

My heart on the other hand, seems to work on a different track than my brain. Emotionally speaking, there have been times when I didn’t care what proof there was or wasn’t, my heart felt so connected to its source, my heart felt the presence of G-d so strongly and my tfilahs were so heartfelt, so sincere and so real that I had no doubts that they had been heard.

And so, throughout all these years, when questions would arise and make me intellectually doubt my beliefs, I’d quiet my brain and rely on my heart - my emotional experiences keeping me anchored. And, when my heart would shut down, and I couldn’t feel the connection - the intellectual reasoning would resonate in my mind and remind me why I had chosen this lifestyle.

Never did I envision that both of these powerhouses could collapse, simultaneously. Having felt secure in my beliefs for so many years, having overcome so many questions and doubts and internal discord, I thought I had finally reached a point where I had made peace with it all and could finally soar forwards…

And then it happened – and I literally felt the rug being pulled out from under me.

In the blink of an eye, my feelings and my thoughts, which had always kept me connected to G-d suddenly abandoned me. As my heart emptied itself of the feelings of attachment and gratitude, my mind filled up with uncertainties and doubts.
I suddenly felt like a baby thrown into an enormous pool of water, left to swim on his own.

I’ve done a lot of thinking since to try and understand what happenned, and to try and figure out how to handle it. One of the things I’ve realized is that there are actually three parts to me through which I connect to my Judaism, not two. I had always relied on my intellectual and emotional connections to Torah and it seems to me now that these two had suppressed the third – my soul. With my soul abandonned by its emotional and intellectual accomplices, I suddenly became aware of a force in me that I had not encountered in years. The energy that drove me when I was just learning about Judaism, before I felt its truth, and before I knew its truth suddenly reappeared. I've come to realize that these anchors that had been securing me down all along were apparently only confirmations of what I knew on a much deeper level.

It’s difficult to differentiate our minds, from our hearts and from our souls, they all combine to form our conscious experience and it was only through the ‘malfunction’ of some of these that I was able to reconnect with the other(s).

It’s still new to me. I still feel like I'm stumbling in the dark. I’m not sure how much I can trust my soul. I feel vulnerable, but it’s a power stronger than me, a power that seems to keep pushing me, whether I want it or not - and whether I understand it or not.

I often hear people who were born in observant homes say that they don’t know if they would become baalei teshuva if they had the choice. They haven’t gone through the kiruv system, they haven’t heard all the ‘intellectual’ proofs, and they haven’t had all the emotional highs.. and so they can’t pinpoint what it is that keeps them going.
I think this is what ive just discovered.
It’s a connection so subtle, but SO real. It’s one we have a really hard time describing or verbalizing, but it’s a link to reality we can’t deny.

Dovid from a gonzo state of mind wrote something beautiful in his blog today. He said: "Torah study draws the soul into this world by giving forms and definitions and physical experiences to its otherwise vast and intangible spirituality". Anyone who has studied Torah knows that it is more than an intellectual pursuit and/or an emotional exercise. It touches something much deeper, much more difficult to describe, but very powerfully felt.

Today, having been stripped of the comfort of my emotional attachment, and the security of my intellectual connection, I realize that this third, deeper, spiritual entity is what will really keep me connected and push me forward…until the light turns back on.

2006-10-25T01:17:00.000-04:00

My days are so predictable and yet, every day, I seem to relive them as if i beleive something new is about to happen. I expect change, I anticipate some new discovery to transform the mundane agenda I should, by now, be accustomed to. I keep expecting the day to end differently..

I wake up in the morning with a fresh head and a hopeful heart. Regardless of how exhausted I am from the lack of sleep, I always feel that the day’s renewal affords me a panoply of fresh opportunities to look forward to. Once I'm showered and dressed, had my coffee and am ready to go, I feel ready to take on whatever challenges come my way - with a clear mind and strong determination.

But, as the day progresses, the challenges that come my way slowly start to take on the added weight of yesterday’s failures ... and tomorrow’s fears. The worrying and the anxiety begin to creep up on me, slowing me down, and gradually weighing me down.

I make lists, I plan ahead, I visualize and pray for the future - still somewhat hopeful that I have the ability and energy to make the changes necessary - to bring about success and not more disillusionment. I work hard, I believe and I pray, but regardless of how much I accomplish, it seems that as the day advances, the accomplishments get dwarfed by what has yet to be done.

By the time evening comes, all I want is to do crawl into a warm and safe place. I want to put it all behind me, and live in the moment. As the night comes and silence descends around me, solitude and stillness replace the commotion and cacophony of the day. What I crave at night is a place to let go of the day’s tension and pressures and inadequacies, but instead, as the eeriness of the night intensifies, so do the anxieties of tomorrow, and tomorrow’s tomorrows.
I find myself wallowing in the disappointments and broken dreams, all alone, feeling more isolated and hopeless than I could have imagined possible early that morning.

My empty bed frightens me - all that cold unused space, mocking me - so I avoid it. I read, I think, I listen to music, I think, I write, I think. I try to distract myself and hope to avoid the swelling sadness and angst that threatens to engulf me.

I think
and think
and feel
and think

But this is a world of doing, what's the point?

The more I think the more I wish I could fall asleep.
The more I wish I were sleeping, the wider-awake I feel.

I watch the clock bring in the new day, as my eyes get heavy, and my brain continues to fry under the mounting pressures of the days to come.

Finally a moment of weakness overcomes me and I feel tired enough to collapse into bed.
I jump at the occasion.
I fall asleep.

Not more than 5 hours later, the radio blares, waking me up to a bright new morning, filled with hope and adventure.

I wont forget tomorrow morning, what tonight felt like. I’ll know what it felt like and why I felt it, but I wont feel it.
Maybe it was a bad day, i'll tell myself..but today.. TODAY, now that’s going to be a pretty good day!

2006-10-22T16:02:00.000-04:00

what
does He
want
from me?

...oh really?

2006-10-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

I have a plan - to go mad.
-Dostoevski

2006-10-11T19:57:00.000-04:00

"Don’t go in the room! Let the baby cry, eventually she'll fall asleep. She just wants attention"
"He didn’t really hurt his knee, he's faking! He just wants attention"
"She’s not really that angry, she's being a drama queen! She always wants attention!"
"He didn’t want to die, it was a cry for help - he just wants attention"

We're told we shouldn’t feed this need for attention.
People need to grow up and toughen up!
They need to be independent, strong, and autonomous and the worst thing we can do is give them attention every time they call out for it.

If the baby's really scared, then mom can go in the room and calm her fears.
If the toddler really hurt his knee, then he can get a band aid or go to the doctor.
If the teenager truly has a reason to be angry, then we can talk about it.
If the suicide attempt succeeds.. then we can really bury the person...

If someone experiences real fear, real physical pain, real injustice.. then we agree that they deserve to be taken seriously - but if someone “just” wants attention, then we view it as a sign of weakness that needs to be ignored until it goes away.

The thing is, how often do we complain that G-d doesn’t seem to hear us or doesn’t make Himself be seen or felt? How often do wish that G-d or a teacher or a parent or a friend would just pat us on the back or reassure us. How much more would we be able to endure if we felt this presence tangibly?

We all knows G-d is there, we know He listens and feels and protects us.. and yet we cry when we feel that distance from him - but when someone needs attention, or they need to be reminded that someone is there listening, hearing, caring, we dismiss it “just” attention seeking.

Rabbi Kelemen writes in his book To Kindle a Soul:

"Parents sometimes worry that attentive parenting undermines independence and confidence. The opposite is true, however, "children who experience consistent and considerable gratification of needs in the early stages do not become 'spoiled and dependent' writes Dr Terry Levy. "They become more independent, self-asured, and confident." [...]

Children cry less frequently and for shorter duration after their first 9 months when caregivers respond promptly during the child’s first nine months. conversely, children who do not receive enough attention early on tend to be clingy, suffer from separation anxiety, and respond with panic when pushed to explore the world or when left in the hands of unfamiliar caregivers.” (page 104)

"Ignoring a child’s night time cries might eventually produce quiet, but it does not cultivate security"" (page 107)

He is referring to the idea of letting a baby cry when we put him to sleep, as some suggest - but I think this applies throughout life.
When babies are left alone, in the dark, and and they start getting drowsy and find themselves all alone, it's normal for them to be afraid. Their memories and senses are not very developed and they suddenly find themselves in a dark room, all alone, very disoriented.
So they cry.
They cry for attention.
And what do the 'experts' suggest? Leave them alone until they stop crying.
The crying eventually stops..but has the fear gone away? Do they feel any more secure?

The same applies to adults, I believe.

We act out and want attention when we feel insecure, afraid, and alone. A baby can’t verbalize that anxiety, and although we have the verbal skills, very often, neither can we.

We need attention because we feel a lack.
Something is missing and we can’t find the words or the behaviour to express it.
A baby cries.
A teenager rebels.
And as adults we find a multitude of behaviours that we have learned will get us the attention we need.

Attention in itself may not have any intrinsic value, but giving it to someone who is in need of security, approval, acceptance, affection, empathy, nurturing … indirectly leads them to feel those things.

No one wants to feel abandoned. Teaching a baby that his cries at night will be left unheard creates a sense of abandonment. When a spouse ignores the cries of attention of their loved one, when a parent ignores a child’s needs for attention, when a teacher ignores the acting out of a student.. we create fearful, insecure, needy people who constantly fear abandonment.

Sometimes people don’t have the answers or the solutions to our problems. They cant fix what’s broken or make whatever is hurting go away. They can’t necessarily make sense of the chaos in us and they cant get rid of the fear eating us up, or the guilt smothering us - but they can pay attention. They can reassure us and make us feel heard, maybe even understood.
A lot of times that’s all we need to feel reenergized.

Most of the answers are found inside us, but we cant tap into them because we're so busy fighting off whatever demons we believe are after us. If we don’t feel alone, and we are given the attention we crave, often that will be enough to make us feel secure enough so we can forget the imaginary demons and focus on finding the truths inside us.

An excellent example of a father paying proper attention.

2006-10-04T23:33:00.000-04:00

I’ve decided that the absolute worst part of a blind date is the 10-minute period before the actual meeting.

It’s excruciatingly painful.

It used to be that I’d worry all day long before a date. I’d worry about what to wear, I’d worry about what he would be like and what we would talk about … until I realized that it was silly to worry since dates usually turn out fine – and until I actually meet him I don’t have anything tangible to worry about. At worst it's two wasted hours and at best i get to spend an interesting evening having stimulating conversation with a booooy (actually, at best, ill meet my husband!!)

Then I used to worry on the actual date – I’d worry about what to say and what not to say, I’d worry about what he meant or what he thought I meant. I’d worry about figuring out how soon was too soon to leave and whether I was being interesting enough. Of course I’d worry about not being flirty enough or about being too flirty. Eventually even those worries disappeared as I came to the realization that I just had to be myself and try to go with the flow. With the right person, all those things would just fall into place, and the truth is, if I want to marry this person I'd better be honest and real.

Finally I used to worry about what would happen AFTER the date – would he say nice things about me? Would he want to go out again? What did he say? What did he mean? But yet again I realized it was pointless. The truth is that It's much less disturbing to get rejected then to have to make the decision to reject someone (and then worry night after night about having made the wrong decision.)

So now all that’s left is that 10 minute period before the date…

Why in the world is it so dreadfully painful watching the minutes pass so agonizingly slow!?!?

It occurred to me that it cant possibly be the fear that my date will be so horrendously unattractive because firstly such a thing has never happened to me and secondly how many people do I find so hideous that I cant bare the thought of sitting across the table from them for 2 hours!
It can’t be the thought that the date will be SO boring that I can’t imagine how I’ll get through the evening. I’ve been through way more boring situations.

What about the imminent date causes me such nausea and anxiety?

After going through the list of what it can’t possibly be, it finally dawned on me what IT IS.

It’s the possibility that I might meet my soul mate in the coming minutes.

We’ve been brainwashed since childhood into believing the whole 'eyes meeting across a crowded room' fantasy. As much as we DONT want to admit it, I think we all secretly believe in love at first sight. We all hope and pray that we will be among the lucky few to meet the love of our lives and know instantaneously. So, it occurred to me that when I go on a date, those 10 minutes before I meet him, I’m anxiously wondering about that first glimpse, the first times our eyes meet. Will sparks fly......or will I?

Now before everyone (especially all you married folk) jump down my throat to tell me it DOESNT happen that way.. let me be clear - I am not saying that I go on a date expecting this to happen...but somewhere in the back of my mind there.. is.. always.. that.. glimmer.. of..hope..that the first time our eyes meet.. life will be transformed.. forever!

I don’t know if this how others feel, I don’t even know if I’ve really gotten to the root of issue.. but sitting in my car last night, trying to figure out why the minutes were moving so slow and thinking about writing this post…I managed to survive those last ten minutes!
(and dont get your hopes up.. sparks did not fly!)

***interesting love stories ***
(click on the pictures to read their stories)
(my favorite is Leilomar and Nasar, he says : "I tried everything to make her notice me. That's why I always opened an umbrella when I was near her, regardless of what the weather was like." -- maybe that's how they express love in afganistan :)

2006-09-29T00:38:00.000-04:00

Yom Kippur is almost here and I’ve been thinking a lot about the changes I’d like to make in the coming year. Of course we all know about the whole ‘new years resolution' phenomenon –you have big plans, you want big changes, you make big promises, and right after new year’s you forget them.. in a big way!
We all know what the solution to that is – baby steps!
But just like anything else, it’s easier said than done!
So here are mookie's** steps to a successful babystepalicious Yom Kippur!

1. Find an area in your life that is important to you, and that affects you on a regular basis and that you would like to improve, something that will stay current and fresh in your mind so that you dont wake up three months later and realize you forgot your resolution!

2. Find a mitzvah that is related to that area. This isn’t the time to start looking for obscure chumras – find an obligation, that’s relevant, mandatory and feasible.

3. Now break that mitzvah/obligation down into small components.
Take one of those components, and divide it into smaller parts
Break one of those small parts into even tinier steps.
Take one of those tiny steps and split it up into teeny weeny baby steps.
Pick one baby step.
Assuming this is something you should be doing every day or a few times a day/week/month, pick a time/space that you will stick to it and make a commitment to it.

4. Make yourself a minimum commitment - this is very very very important. Whatever you decided to take on, make a mazimum and a minimum commitment , and take on yourself to try to reach your maximum, but never to go below your minimum.

5. Finally, on yom kipur (or any other time!) make a commitment to this new baby step!

Ok, so let me give an example –

1.GOAL: developing a stronger connection/relatioship with g-d.

2. Making a commitment to working on a richer personal relationship with g-d is a HUGE undertaking. Its abstract, its big and its intimidating.. where does one even start!?
No relationship is possible without open communication and so praying is a good place to start. Start talking to Him!

So now it's time to formulate a plan on how to achieve the goal.
Taking on praying 3 times a day, every day, for the rest of our lives, with kavana.. is.. NOT realistic. We've all tried it..
That’s where baby stepping in comes in.

3. goal : Pray with kavana (every day, every prayer!)
- Pray one day a week with kavana
- Pray one prayer - on one day in the week, with kavana
- Pray one paragraph of one prayer on one day in the week with kavana

4. And finally – make a maximum and a minimum. There are times when we feel strong, more inspired, more connected and we soar spiritually, and there are other times when we can hardly drag ourselves through the bare minimum. We have to be realistic and realize those will both happen in the year to come, and for the rest of our lives, and so we need to take them into consideration when formulating our plan of action. A maximum in this case could be praying the first paragraph, of every prayer, every day, with kavana; and a minimum could mean doing it once a week, or once a month.

No one can decide for someone else what is feasible or what is reasonable. Its important to be spiritually self aware – and to develop that skill – so that we can made decisions that help us grow, and not g-d forbid drag us down in guilt and ineptness.

So, to summarize – the more general goal is to connect to hashem, and the more specific goal is to pray with kavana. On good days and good weeks we commit to do this on a daily basis, but we keep into consideration the possibility of a bad, weak, lazy, disconnected day, or week or month, where we commit to never miss at least one prayer with kavana in the week – no matter what!

This step is the most important, because it gives us the space to manoeuvre, to be flexible, and to learn to listen to ourselves. Pushing ourselves beyond our limits will only lead to a burnout. The problem that often happens is that we make huge commitments and then slowly start to falter because we didn’t consider the possibilities of not being able to do it on certain days or under certain circumstances. We end up feeling guilty, turning our back on g-d, disconnecting…If we plan ahead for that, what happens is that on our weakest days, we still have a plan B and so we always end up achieving something, we never feel like we failed. We just worked within the lazier end of the spectrum as opposed to the super turbo inspired end. When we’re not down anymore, we don’t have the added baggage of guilt to deal with, and we can just jump back up to our maximum.

I’ve found that this really helps me learn to listen how I feel, and where I am in my connection to G-d, and how much I’m capable of. It helps me not compare myself to others, or to put pressure I can’t handle with. I develop my own personal spiritual spectrum of capabilities and work within it.

5. If I follow these steps, and make a serious commitment, there’s a good chance that at the end of the year I’ve made praying with kavana a regular part of my spiritual experience. Maybe not every prayer, or every day.. but its always there in the bakground, motivating me.

An important point to remember, is that any behavior we want to correct isnt something we stopped doing or dropped over night. Chances are we used to abide by a mitzvah and one day we got lazy and did it with less enthusiasm, then on another day we forgot completely, then we skipped it for a week.. we baby stepped out of it.. and so we need to baby step back into it.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not
fear the results of a hundred battles.” Sun Tzu

I wish you all tons of clarity in finding the area, and the baby step you want to work on. The idea of baby stepping is that no step, no mitzvah, no part of a mitvah, no character trait.. nothing is too small to work on.. but in the long run the habits change and the resolutions
materialize.

"Says HaKadosh Baruch Hu to Yisrael, My children, open for Me one opening of teshuva the size of an eye of a needle, and I shall open for you openings that wagons and cars can pass through (Shir Hashirim Rabba 5:2)."

Chatima tova!

** mookie's steps.. gleaned from the teachings of her amazing rabbis and rebbetzins (Rabbi Bear, Rabbi Kelemen, Rabbi Chalkowski.. and the list goes on!)

..she'yikartu oyveinu...

2006-09-26T09:27:00.000-04:00

Saturday morning, 1st day of Rosh Hashana, we get to shul and we start hearing the rumor..
Bin Laden is dead!! He died of typhus!
WHAT A SHOCK!
My first thought is.. it’s the LEEKS.
Just the night before we ate leeks and dates, and other fruits and vegetables with a blessing asking for our enemies to be destroyed, and all I can think is.. wow it worked!

All of rosh hashana none of us could check the news and so we celebrated the rest of the holiday believing that maybe, just maybe our rosh hashana fruits and vegetables killed America’s most wanted. We did what the USA wasn’t able to do with its 25 million (billion? gazillion?) dollars, and we did it with produce!!

Well it turns out they were just rumors, leeked to the French news, and none of it has been confirmed..
I still believe our leeks are way more powerful than America’s weapons, but I guess we’ll have to wait a little longer before we can prove it!

David Letterman -Top Ten Signs Osama Bin Laden Isn't Really Dead

10. He's appearing in Atlantic City this weekend with Tony Danza

9. He's been updating his MySpace page all week

8. Called Mike and the Mad Dog this afternoon to complain about the Giants

7. He's captain of the Muslim team on the all new "Survivor"

6. New issue of "People" has photos of him canoodling with Nicole Richie

5. Empty case of Yoo-Hoo was recently discovered in lawless border region of Afghanistan

4. Spotted at Al-Qaeda's annual "Lunatic Father-Son Cookout"

3. During Fashion Week, he unveiled his fall line of turbans

2. Why do you think Whitney and Bobby split?

1. New tape featuring Osama declaring Jihad on tainted spinach

blank canvas

2006-09-20T08:28:00.000-04:00

All difficult things have their origin in that which is easy, and great things in that which is small-Lao-Tzu; All glory comes from daring to begin.-Eugene F. Ware; The distance is nothing; it's only the first step that is difficult.-Marquise du Deffand; Nobody is ever met at the airport when beginning a new adventure. It's just not done.-Elizabeth Warnock Fernea; The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.-Ivy Baker Priest;Fear not that thy life shall come to an end, but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning.-John Henry Cardinal Newman; Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities.-William Bridges; For a true writer each book should be a new beginning where he tries again for something that is beyond attainment. He should always try for something that has never been done or that others have tried and failed. Then sometimes, with great luck, he will succeed.- Ernest Hemingway; The beginning is the most important part of the work.-Plato; Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.-Lewis Carroll; The excitement, the true excitement, was always in starting again. Nothing's worse than an accomplished task, a realized dream.-Marilyn Harris; The greatest masterpieces were once only pigments on a palette.-Henry S. Hoskins; A hard beginning maketh a good ending.-John Heywood; He has half the deed done who has made a beginning.-Horace; He who chooses the beginning of a road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determine the end.-Harry Emerson Fosdick; A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.-Lao-Tsu; The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.-Chinese proverb; Kol hatchalot kashot; The secret to a rich life is to have more beginnings than endings.-Dave Weinbaum; Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.-St. Francis of Assisi;Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.-Martin Luther King Jr.; We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.-Edith Lovejoy Pierce; When there is a start to be made, don't step over! Start where you are.-Edgar Cayce; There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting.- Buddha; The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are; The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are; The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.-Ben Stein; Begin; to begin is half the work. Let half still remain; again begin this, and thou wilt have finished.-Decimus Magnus Ausonius; What's well begun, is half done.-Horace; You can learn new things at any time in your life if you're willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you.-Barbara Sher; That's what learning is. You suddenly understand something you understood all your life, but in a new way.-Doris Lessing.

TIME TO WAKE UP!!!

Its a new beginning, time to ctrl-alt-delete

and start fresh.

I just want to thank you all for the advice, entertainment and listening ear you've provided and I look forward to a new blogalicious year!

Wishing you all a powerful new beginning and

a happy new year filled with

strength, clarity, health and revealed blessings!

ktiva v'chatima tova

unexpected countdown

2006-09-16T23:18:00.000-04:00

5:15 p.m. : This week Shabbat started with an unexpected adventure I really could have done without.
I had plans to spend Shabbat in the country. I didn’t get the directions until a few minutes before I took the road but I assumed it would take about 45 min to an hour to get there. I knew Shabbat started around 7:00/7:15 and I figured leaving at 5:15 would give me sufficient time to arrive. I knew I was in a bit of a rush, but I never expected that I might not make it. Those things just don’t happen – at least not outside of Hannoch Teller books. I took the road, not anticipating the intensity of the Friday afternoon, peak-hour traffic congestion I found myself trapped in.

6:04 p.m.: Inching along the traffic, by 6:04 I was just getting on the bridge – the bridge that's barely 10 miles from my house. I was starting to get worried. I told myself I still had an hour before sunset, and I probably had another 35 minutes of driving. I’d make it, but it would be close. I did my makeup in the car; I got all my stuff ready , assuming I'd arrive at the last minute.

6:24 p.m.: Just a few miles past the bridge and still stuck in traffic. My panic was increasing exponentially. I don’t own a cell phone but thankfully my mom had convinced me to take one – just in case –. I called home, trying to sound calm and asked my dad if he thought I’d make it. I still didn’t think I wouldn’t, I just needed a little reassurance. I asked him to get onto mapquest and check exactly how far I was, and to tell me what time Shabbat started at exactly. I figured once I had facts and he’d tell me it was fine, I’d feel much better.
This is where I got the real shock.
He told me the complete trip was 76.53 miles and I was about 20.6 miles into the trip. I had approximately 56 miles left – and then he told me Shabbat started at 6:50, with the 18 minutes factored in, I had 38 minutes left.
38 minutes to drive 56 miles on a traffic jammed highway, in the middle of the country.
PANIC set in.
I felt my head spinning.. what.. do.. I .. do??? I yelled!
My dad was trying to stay calm; my mom was getting slightly hysterical in the background.
WHAT DO I DO?!!?! Will I make it?! Where do I go??
At this point he started to sound worried and told me there was no way I‘d make it. Even if I could do 56 miles in 38 minutes, there was NO way I’d make it with the traffic ahead. The car just wasn’t budging. By then I was hysterical, breaking into cold sweat, my head spinning, my mouth dry, my sense of clarity completely vanished.
Again I yelled: TELL ME WHAT TO DO, I’m really scared!!
My dad told me to just get off the highway and look for a sign back home and take it. But, even that didn’t make sense. It had taken me over an hour to drive those 20 miles; I’d never make it back home in half an hour. By then my mom grabbed the phone and just told me to get off the highway, wherever I was, and try my best to get back.

My dad is the calm, logical one, my mom is the more emotional one, but when push comes to shove, her panic transforms into faith, whereas my dad’s clear appraisal of the facts leads him to panic. She told me I’d make it, and not to worry and she’d stay on the phone with me until I did. I couldn’t think clear, I couldn’t see clear, I was just running on her faith. The fear wasn’t only not havnig where to spend shabbat, the fear was also of getting stuck all alone, in the middle of nowhere.
I took the first exit I saw and found myself driving into even more rural land. All I saw were empty fields, tractors and greenhouses.
Not a soul in sight.

6:30 p.m. : The tranquility and serenity of the sun setting on a Friday afternoon driving around farmland was in complete contradiction with the utter panic and anxiety I was feeling. My mom kept calm and just kept repeating, just look for a road out, you’ll be fine, you have time. I knew I didn’t, there was no way I had enough time, let alone time to get lost, but I had no choice but to believe her. I drove around a few more minutes and finally found myself back on the highway back home.

6:40 p.m.: Back on the road, in the right direction and only 20 miles from home; I could potentially make it...if I could fly over the traffic. At this point my mother’s faith was starting to seep in and I told myself I was out of the country, I was on my way back to city and worse case scenario, I’d leave my car and walk the 20 miles.

7:05 p.m.: I won’t hold you in suspense, thank G-d, I made it. I arrived at home a couple of minutes before shabbat started. I barely stopped the car and ran into the house.

Try explaining to someone who doesn’t keep Shabbat how excruciatingly frightening it is to be stuck too far from home, trapped on a highway, in the middle of the country, minutes before sunset on a Friday. Forget challah and wine, forget kosher food, forget good company – how does one not panic not knowing where they will sleep or remain for the next 24 hours. Do you knock at the farmer’s house and ask him to spend the night there? The farmer who’s probably never met a Jew and wont understand why you’re there? Never mind the dangers involved! Do you keep driving and break Shabbat? Do you stop the car on the highway and walk.. and walk.. and walk.. on a rural highway? It's amazing to think that something so abstract and intangible as shabbat could cause such intense emotions. The fear and anxiety I felt was SO real and so palpable, it blows my mind.

I break into a cold sweat trying to imagine what would have happened if I had kept driving, or gotten lost on the way. I honestly don’t know what I would have done. I always thought that if G-d forbid I found myself in such a situation, I would simply park the car and walk to the closest place I could spend Shabbat. I’ll be honest though, when all I could see were greenhouses, tractors, and traffic in all directions, I couldn’t imagine stopping.
I couldn’t imagine driving and I couldn’t imagine stopping.
What would you have done?
Honestly?

2006-09-11T23:11:00.000-04:00

I have a really hard time disagreeing with someone I just met, especially someone from the opposite gender, and especially when I’m trying to impress them. In order to have good discussion and for interesting thinking to develop there needs to be an exchange of ideas - even conflicting ideas. In order for critical thinking to occur there needs to be a diversity of views and opinions, and when I meet someone new, for example on a date, I have a really hard time truly expressing my views if they conflict with the other person’s. The problem is that the other person doesn’t get to hear my real opinions, he doesn’t get to see that I’m passionate about my convictions, he doesn’t get to meet the real me. In a way I feel like I dumb myself down in order to seem more agreeable, I come across less opinionated – but the kind of man I want to marry doesn’t want an agreeable, docile, passive woman!

The more I date, the more I put effort into not falling into that trap. I try to politely disagree, I attempt to put forth my ideas in a non confrontational manner, but I always feel like in the end I tend to agree or at least come across as if I’m considering a new way of seeing things, when in fact, I rarely get convinced that easily. I find that it takes away from the quality of the date, it takes away from the depth of the discussion and it takes away from the sincerity of the conversation... but I can’t seem to change that behavior.

It occurred to me yesterday that part of the reason why its so comfortable being accepting of another's views is that it in essence protects us. If I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, that each opinion is equally valid and that there is truth to be found in every belief then I am basically ensuring that my views and my thoughts wont be judged too harshly. If you can’t be wrong.. then I cant be wrong either.. and that’s comforting. When you meet someone new, the last thing you want to do is get into an argument with them. You don’t want them to attack you or your views, you don’t want them to judge you too soon based on a belief you hold and it becomes even more tempting to appease them and come across more agreeable.

The safer I feel, and the more comfortable I get, the more I am able to take a chance and risk being wrong, the more vulnerable I am willing to become. My friends and family will attest that I have NO reservations about expressing my opinions around them. I’ll argue, I’ll yell, I’ll debate until I’m blue in the face. I’ll try my hardest to prove them 100% wrong. The reason I can do that is because even if they end up proving me wrong, it will be ok. They wont judge me. They like me and value me and they will continue to accept me, realizing I’m human and humans make mistakes or faulty judgements. Their acceptance and appreciation of me is much greater than this one argument. On the other hand, it’s much more difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable on a date, or when meeting someone new. They will judge you, and they will take their limited perception of you and generalize it and that’s too big a risk to take when you’re meeting someone new. And so, consciously or not, I end being much more agreeable and much more ‘open minded’ on these occasions. I think it’s especially unfortunate because it’s specifically when you meet someone new, and more particularly on a date, when you are presenting yourself as someone’s potential spouse that you want to be yourself and want them to see the true you - conflicting views and all.

I’m curious to hear what you guys think.
Do any of you have suggestions on how to deal with this?
I’m also curious, is this a gender related thing or a personality related thing?
Do women feel that they tend to be more agreeable in new and uncomfortable situations than in general?
Do men find themselves falling into this trap also?

brb

2006-09-06T22:27:00.000-04:00

2006-08-27T10:05:00.000-04:00

I guess this has been on my mind recently, and so here I am again thinking about men, women, torah, men & women & torah.. I think about the life i lead today, I think about the ife I see around me, I think of young girls, I think of myself as a young girl, I think of the sons and daughters I hope to one day I have.. and I cant help but feel that I am so fortunate for being where I am and for seeing the way things I do. I see friends who cant understand the laws of tzniut, of shomer negya... they argue with me. I know others who know its the right thing, but struggle with it continually. I know others who have given up struggling, but continue to feel the guilt.. and the pain..
It’s such a difficult struggle, and for me the key is to remind myself of the alternative.

Sometimes I feel like a terribly judgemental and close-minded person when i say these things, that I am so thankful, so grateful, so blessed to have torah in my life, but this isn’t meant to put anyone down, or to criticize or to judge. It’s just an expression of my gratitude at having found where I belong, and wanting to share it with others I come across who are struggling with issues I feel I’ve started to make peace with.

I see the guy who is giving in to his animalistic needs, unable to control the pain he causes, I see the girl who is giving in her to her emotional needs, unable to control the pain she is feeling and I just want to shake them and let them know there is an alternative..

He's a good boy, he has a pure heart, a good conscience, a loving soul, but he spends the night with her and then ..with her and then ..her.. not unlike the rest of his peers.. and he doesnt see the harm it causes, but his soul feels it, and hes tormented, but he cant verbalize it or understand it.

She's a caring girl, a sensitive girl, she lets herself get taken advantage of, objectified. She sells herself short, she doesnt know her worth and will pay whatever price for the affection and intimacy she can get, regardless of its sincerity. deep down she feels like a commodity, but she cant accept and internalize that feeling, it goes against eveything shes been told, she manages to convince herself this is the way it needs to be, this is the way it should be.

I'm alone. i go to sleep alone. i wake up alone. i face my loneliness day in and day out. its excrutiating at times, feeling so lost and not having caring arms to throw yourself into, but i make a conscious decision, today - one day at a time - to fix the damage, to learn to appreciate my value, to take care of myself, to protect myself.

They want me to be afraid of the mysogeny of my chosen path?
They have no idea what mysogeny is. parading your body as a trophy, afraid the real you wont ever be desired. denying your protective feelings, in the hopes of finding a protector. losing your inhibitions, while craving intimacy. ending up alone, in the arms of a stranger and wondering how its possible to be so close to someone and feel so empty and alone.
you lament the fact that all the women you find are damaged goods.. who do you think damaged them?
this is the mysogeny i'm afraid of. this is the mysogeny ive left behind.

i have a treasure inside of me and i dont want it to be glanced at and poked at and manipulated and toyed with. not until my worth can be fully appreciated. this is my feminism. my body is a shield to protect my soul.

im so greatful i have torah, torah that guides me when my instincts arent able to, when my brain cant understand, when my nature refuses to. im so thankful that even when i get lost in that dark abyss of overwhelming urges, i always have access to a way out.

im so greatful for the permission to be protective of myself, the permission to desire purity, the permission to accept my deeper needs.

Not too long ago, i defiantly dragged G-d into a game of chicken. I told Him,'You fix this situation, or i wont be held accountable for my actions!'

Hashem, it's Elul again, and we meet again..
and this is my official backing down.
You called my bluff, and I swerved before we collided.
I can only thank You for giving me the strength to find the truth in me before any more harm was done.
I can only beg you to keep strengthening me and to keep reminding me that what I have worth protecting will only be that much more valuable and beautiful when the time comes.

( favorite song of the day.. and for some reason it just seems fitting... enjoy)

women in judaism (worlds longest post!)

2006-08-21T20:39:00.000-04:00

I recently had an email discussion with orthoprax regarding women in Judaism. The emails were very lengthy (especially on my part – what a surprise!) but I wanted to paste part of the discussion here.

questions from orthoprax:

Can you please explain to me why girls aren't taught Gemara like boys are? Why is the subject matter deemed too much for the small minds of girls?

Why is there no such thing as a female rabbi or halachic decider? Are women incapable of being community leaders or understanding halacha well enough to be a poseket? Is a woman incapable of giving a d'var torah worth listening to?

How do you feel about the fact that a woman cannot be a witness in any sort of Halachic observance? What does that mean on a theoretical level? Women cannot be trusted to accurately recall events when called upon to do so?

You don't see it at all degrading to women when they have to walk through separate entrances to go into these super frum places? How about when these stores have certain hours for men and hours for women? How do you feel about the fact that in most frum shuls, the mechitzah is so positioned that women are way in the back - sometimes with as much as an entire physical wall blocking the view with only little windows to peak into the men's arena? What does that all say about women? That their bodies are such powerful sexual objects that men cannot think properly 'pure' thoughts when they are around?

Don't you see it as at all ironic how virtually every religious duty or activity (with a couple of exceptions) is lead by a man? And even those that can be done by women, if men are around, a man is assumed the responsibility of taking care of it. When's the last time you saw a woman lead a havdalah ceremony, for example? Have you ever seen a woman recite megillat esther for men? Women are stripped of the ability to be leaders. They even count less than a man as nine men and a thousand women still don't make a minyan. They are basically treated like children by Halacha. Now, there are certain benefits to being a 'child' - less responsibility is one of them, but it comes at the deep cost of not being considered a full adult.

my reply to his email:

The bulk of my answer revolves around two main ideas.
1- men and women are created with a different physical, mental, emotional and spiritual make up.
2- If you want to understand the way a system works, you need to analyze it according to the rules of that system. Applying rules, generalizations and thought processes of the secular world to understand the frum world (or vice versa) isn’t intellectually honest.

I believe that the secular world operates according to standards which are advantageous to males, and discriminate against women. Success is measured in terms of external power, and public recognition is highly rewarded and valued in secular society. Politicians, movie stars, famous athletes gain their fame and power through their ability to stand above the crowd and their public exposure. The torah, on the other hand teaches a different kind of power. In Judaism, strength is measured in terms of being able to shape and control one’s negative qualities. Honor is bestowed upon those who behave ethically, virtuously and have developed their character traits.
This is important because it shapes the way we value and acknowledge achievement.

According to the Torah perspective, women and men are created differently and therefore possess different strengths and weaknesses. Judaism is a system that teaches a spiritual path for each individual and because men and women are perceived differently, they are provided with different tools to achieve their spiritual goals and fulfilment.

The result of that perspective is that, having a public role is not viewed as a necessary means to achieving power or admiration. It is accepted that there are different channels that can lead to greatness and respect and that both men and women have the ability and potential to be valued for their respective achievements.

Everyone agrees that men and women are considerably different, in their physical, emotional and cognitive makeup. Applying the same rules and the same standards to both leads to discrimination to one of the two.

The sexism found in the secular society can be very subtle and that’s why people (and especially men) often get deceived into believing that it doesn’t exist. Women can “do” anything, they can be prime minister, they can be doctors, lawyers, wrestlers.. whatever they want. In an externally focused society women have achieved equality, they can be as publicly and externally powerful as any man (and if theyre lucky they may even get the same wages as a man). What this really means, however, is that women have been granted the opportunity to compete against men in their court, to be judged according to male standards, and to develop masculine strengths.

How is that equality?

Using the same standards on different populations is considered discriminatory. Men and women don’t compete against each other in sports for that exact reason. Men and women have a different physical makeup and we realize that it would be incredibly unfair to women to compete against men. A child who is mentally challenged can only thrive in an environment that respects and accommodates his strengths and weaknesses, and a child who displays greater intelligence can only thrive and reach his potential in an environment that promotes his abilities. Sticking either child in a regular class is cruel.

The torah promotes this understanding and encourages both men and women to develop their respective strengths and work on their own weaknesses. In the secular world, the default system operates according to masculine strengths and weaknesses.

Granting women real equality necessitates respecting and validating the strengths and weaknesses of women, it requires allowing women to develop and grow within their abilities and talents.

So what are women’s strengths?

Women tend to be more naturally skilled in their ability to be nurturers, to be intuitive, to view situations in a more holistic way. These are all strengths which are internal. Women are considered more insightful (binah). They have a stronger ability to understand matters from the inside, the capacity to see a person and understand their needs, to relate to people according to their needs.

Raising children and running a household are responsibilities and achievements which are in no way looked down upon in the Torah world (as they are in the secular world). On the contrary, the husband gets up and sings the praises of his wife on Friday night. He acknowledges her worth and her beauty. Being a full time mom is not seen as a second class occupation, its value in the Jewish community is respected and appreciated.

In a community-minded value system, raising and forming and shaping the future generation is regarded as much more commendable than pursuing selfish self actualization.

A woman’s power comes in her ability to create the minds and affect the values and ethics of people. It may not lead to public recognition or to financial gain but in a system where these achievements are not highly valued, it becomes irrelevant. Women are responsible for the internal development of their family members. They create their society by raising and facilitating the development of the members of their society.

The strength of women is also to actualize pure potential. Of course the most obvious manifestation of this is in the physical relationship between a man and woman where the male is responsible for providing the raw material and the woman is responsible for the development of that seed. A baby cannot be created without the active participation of both parties.

In the story of creation we see that woman is created from the rib of man – from an inner bone – that is also representative of the woman’s strength, her inner strength. Being more low key, more private, more internally focused is a strength of the woman (which can obviously not be valued in an externally focused society).

Women, by nature, are not as competitive and aggressive as men tend to be. They are less focused on external achievement and stature. This isn’t to say that there aren’t exceptions, but naturally a woman’s tendency is much less geared towards public approval and public exposure. She is much more relationship-oriented, and it is in that setting that her worth and achievements can be appreciated.

Women are also known to have better social skills, to be more cooperative and to do better on verbal tasks. All these qualities create a gender which is more communicative and more relationship focused. As opposed to leading the masses, the strengths of women emerge in their one-on-one connections

Women also have a greater ability at being receptive and responsive. Women usually show more empathy and mercy and are more prone towards conflict resolution and consensus. This comes from their more holistic perception of the world. Whereas men think in a more compartmentalized manner, women are more skilled at seeing the bigger picture. This ability also allows women to multitask and this of course is incredibly valuable in raising children and running a household.

Comparing the role of women in a torah based society to that of a secular society is nonsensical as the measuring tools are completely different. In a world where power is not necessarily tied to a public role, not having women in those positions in no way diminishes their worth, it simply is not relevant to the development and appreciation of women. Unfortunately, having grown up in a society that focuses on externals and values externally directed achievements, we sometimes lose track of the fact that jewish women are living by a different set of rules and standards. In the secular, externally focused society, the achievements of jewish women cannot be measured or recognized.

Both men and women have equal needs, desires and capabilities in connecting to G-d, but each gender requires a different system that best suits their strengths and weaknesses. Because the torah teaches a spiritual path, the mitzvot and the roles of each gender are custom made to facilitate spiritual growth.

The majority of the commandments apply equally to both genders, but there is a small percentage of laws and customs which is geared specifically to one gender or the other. This is where people have trouble accepting that the torah promotes equality of the sexes. As soon as people see a difference in treatment they consider it a weakness in the system, when in fact it is affording each group to develop its respective skills and reach self actualization.

For a woman raised in the secular world, this appreciation of her intuitive abilities is liberating. To finally be respected and appreciated for what comes naturally to her. To stop trying to compete in a man’s world, according to their terms, it is invaluable in developing a woman’s self esteem. The Torah gives women the permission to be women – and not to feel guilty, or less valued, or less appreciated – for their strengths and their weaknesses.

The torah teaches us a spiritual path to fulfillment, both on a personal level and on a cosmic level. Once we internalize that, is it easy to see that G-d created a different system for men and women to work in, one which takes into consideration their respective roles, capacities and weaknesses, one where each gender has a valuable contribution to make.

Can you please explain to me why girls aren't taught Gemara like boys are? Why is the subject matter deemed too much for the small minds of girls?

First of all its not forbidden for women to study gemara, but once you accept that women do not have a torah obligation to study torah, and once you appreciate the way a woman’s mind works, than learning gemara is not the best way for her to develop her relationship with hashem, its not the most conducive way to actualize herself.

Throughout history there have been women who have studied it, and who continue to, But, this is done in a more discreet way because it is accepted that this type of behaviour is not viewed as one that cultivate a woman’s natural skills.

I’ve also heard that another reason why women aren’t encouraged to study gemara is that that the study of it can be very combative and aggressive and this is not a quality that we want women to focus on and develop considering their strength in consensus seeking and community building. Men on the other hand have a more natural tendency towards aggressively and competition and this is a positive growth oriented outlet for them.

Why is there no such thing as a female rabbi or halachic decider? Are women incapable of being community leaders or understanding halacha well enough to be a poseket? Is a woman incapable of giving a d'var torah worth listening to?

If women don’t spend as much time and as much of their energy on studying torah, (primarily because they have other obligations), then how many poseks do you expect will emerge? Even among men, not every rabbi is a posek, it requires a higher level of learning and most women focus their energies elsewhere. As for being community leaders, that question becomes moot when you step out of the westernized – male focused- system where public exposure and external achievement are more valued than internal power and private achievement.
Here again there are exceptions, and there are women who desire more public exposure to develop but they prefer to find ways which are more compatible with their more feminine and more private nature (in women’s groups, or in smaller settings) (there are of course important exceptions, today Rebbetzin Jungreis speaks to thousands of people, runs a huge organization and is highly respected and valued in orthodox circles)

How do you feel about the fact that a woman cannot be a witness in any sort of Halachic observance? What does that mean on a theoretical level? Women cannot be trusted to accurately recall events when called upon to do so?

I don’t think anyone believes that women are so simple minded that they cant recall events, but the fact is that due to their ability to think holistically, and to think more empathetically, than yes their ability to recall facts can be affected. In a court of law, facts are what are required, not an understanding of the greater picture.
As for being a witness to halachic observance, I think women do that on a daily basis whether it’s in matters of kashrut, or taharat hamishpacha or any other observance that is related to the home. The most strictest rabbi will trust his wife 100% when it comes to those things – so obviously the issue is not with her trustworthiness, but simply with the role and recognition we, as westerners would like her to have.

You don't see it at all degrading to women when they have to walk through separate entrances to go into these super frum places? How about when these stores have certain hours for men and hours for women? How do you feel about the fact that in most frum shuls, the mechitzah is so positioned that women are way in the back - sometimes with as much as an entire physical wall blocking the view with only little windows to peak into the men's arena? What does that all say about women? That their bodies are such powerful sexual objects that men cannot think properly 'pure' thoughts when they are around?

You see it as women having to walk through separate entrances; but why not see it as men walking through separate entrances? Or better yet, why not take our western male focused bias out of it and see it as men and women walking through separate entrances? Stores that have separate hours do it to separate the genders, but not as a sign of sexism. In the torah perspective men and women are much more sensitive to their differences – and compatibilities- and so the system promotes a separation of the genders so as to avoid certain behaviours that can lead to de-sensitization.

As for the mechitzas, once again it brings us back to what the focus is. If you go to shul to connect to g-d, to develop your relationship with hashem, than, if youre a woman, it really makes no difference where you are situated, your avodat hashem is much more private. If youre a man it is much more dependent on the communal setting and communal activities. A womans service to g-d is different than that of a man and so it makes perfect sense that men have a more central, public and communal position in the synagogue – after all these are the abilities they need to develop.

You say – what does it say about a woman that her body is such a powerful sexual object that men cant think properly around her and I ask you, why is that such a difficult situation for you to accept? Once again, in a male focused frame of mind, its more advantageous to a man to take away a woman’s sexual power, to subjugate this ability, to take away her edge. But women know. Women know the power they have, so the torah simply acknowledges and validates what we intuitively know. A woman is an extremely sexual being, and this is not a negative thing. What it means however is that for men, who are externally focused, it is much easier for them to get blinded by a woman’s sexual exterior and not take the time or put the energy to dig deeper and appreciate and value a woman for her real (internal) worth. The fact that men cant think properly around women is a reflection of a male characteristic (to be externally focused), not a reflection of a woman’s worth.

Don't you see it as at all ironic how virtually every religious duty or activity (with a couple of exceptions) is lead by a man? And even those that can be done by women, if men are around, a man is assumed the responsibility of taking care of it. When's the last time you saw a woman lead a havdalah ceremony, for example? Have you ever seen a woman recite megillat esther for men? Women are stripped of the ability to be leaders. They even count less than a man as nine men and a thousand women still don't make a minyan. They are basically treated like children by Halacha. Now, there are certain benefits to being a 'child' - less responsibility is one of them, but it comes at the deep cost of not being considered a full adult.

The torah is a system of laws and rules that helps get above their nature and change themselves for the better. What this means is that the mitzvoth are tools which help us develop our strengths while diminishing our weaknesses. We have a natural tendency to be selfish and therefore the torah obligates us to give tzedaka, be kind, be generous. What this means is that depending on a gender’s characteristics, the mitzvoth that apply will be based on what ‘work’ needs to be done.

Women, by nature, are more internally focused, pray better and build a connection to g-d thru personal prayer. I grew up around women (secular) who were constantly speaking to g-d. This is how families are raised by the mothers I know. Women are relationship-focused and have much better skills at developing and maintaining relationships and so their communication with g-d is much less regimented than that of men. Women intuitively understand how to communicate with g-d (as well as with those around them). Men on the other hand are team players, men need more guidance in building that relationship, in developing the communicative part of their connection to hashem and so it is more strictly controlled and they are required to pray in a minyan, three times a day, following a siddur. Men get together when they have a reason, women are more communicative, more communal and will congregate naturally. So women can go to shul, but praying in a minyan isnt particularly advantageous to women’s spiritual growth. Men on the other hand do need a reason and an obligation to pray in a minyan in order to help them develop that skill.

You compare women to children because of their reduced involvement and leadership roles in public communal activities, but by now I think its clear to see how the appeal and the value that these roles/ activities carry with them are based on a set of values that is foreign to the torah. The standards you consider as “adult like ” and “child like” don’t apply in a torah based system, they are based on a male oriented, hierarchical, externally focused system. If the whole point of the torah and the goal of a torah jew is to grow spiritually – on a personal and universal level- than these activities are just not necessary for a woman’s development. Those aren’t the strengths she needs or desires to develop. A woman is exempt from time bound mitzcvahs because her approach is one of constant readiness or adaptability to being able to continually respond to changing realities. Women have a more innate ability to create structures and so have less of a requirement for externally based frameworks.

Now one last thing, most of the questions you asked are not based on activities that are forbidden from women (they can read the megila, do havdala, study gemara…) but that they are not obligated to. In the torah perspective, where one’s focus is based on spiritual development, the torah is used as a priority setting guide. It is understood that if women don’t have an obligation to perform certain mitzvot, than there’s a good chance that they are not required for her development. Nonetheless because we are each created as individuals with individual strengths and weaknesses, there are members or each gender that will require or desire more participation in the other gender’s activities. This is acceptable as long as the frame of mind is correct. That means that if a person can say that they have exhausted their ability to fulfil the commandments and the path that have been set out for that gender and they now seek more, to tap other strengths or weaknesses, than that is more often than not acceptable. If however a woman is tempted by what is prescribed for men, purely to make a statement, to prove that she can do what men do, than that is not acceptable, and is deemed sexist Its sexist to place more emphasis on the abilities and the spiritual path of one gender over the other. Instead of appreciating and respecting her own role, her own spiritual path, she views man’s role as more valuable, and ends up devaluating her own prescribed path.All that being said, I will say one more thing. I will not deny that there are sexist people, communities, rabbis… im not naïve and im not blind. However, the torah in itself, as a system of beliefs and values is not sexist. It is, in my eyes, the opposite of sexist; it provides each gender with a spiritual path that is best suited for it. It respects the contribution of both genders, and it values the natural abilities and tendencies of both genders.

His reply to my email, with my reply to his.

First, I think you far overestimate the differences between men and women and how each's strengths can best be cultivated. Women would not benefit from participating in ordered and regular worship services because of their inherent intuitive personal relationship with God? Come on. Do you really accept that?

i dont think anyone has yet been able to quantify the differences, not even scientifically, its still very much under study. so yes in my opinion, and according to my experiences.. as a woman, this is how i see the differences.

also i never said women have an inherent intuitive personal relationship with g-d - i think thats the typical answer ive heard in the past and no i dont buy that.
what i did say is that women have a greater facility at developing relationships and women have better social and comunication skills and this plays a big part in how they connect to g-d. i dont think that by default they have a better r/s with g-d, but i think they have a greater ability to develop one and therefore less of a need of regulating how to go about it.

I would also like to point out that a far better system for realizing each individual's spiritual and general qualities would be done simply on an individual level.

so says orthoprax
i follow the torah that i beleive was handed over to us by g-d and i prefer to follow the spiritual path that i beleive g-d gave us. i respect your choice in not beleiving in that system and i respect your choice in not beleive it is divine, and therefore your choice to create your own path .. but thats not my beleif.

i beleive that the tiniest detail in the torah is there to help us develop our r/s with g-d. and i do beleive that THIS is a better system.. but thats just my beleif - not much to discuss here..
unless you want to get into the veracity of the torah and the authenticity of the transmission..
and no.. i dont want to get into that :)

Some women, I am sure, would greatly appreciate being involved in many of the things that they are now excluded from (either by Halacha, society, or convention). And conversely, I'd bet that some men find their numerous obligations to hamper their best spiritual efforts. Why divide by gender when there are so many natural exceptions?

i think the exceptions are way fewer than we think. and i think we think there are more exceptions than there are because of the androgenous perspective we have in secular society.

Wouldn't it be far better to have a system that allows people to be engaged in whatever they feel most fulfilling as far as they are willing to go?

thats called reform judaism..

This would allow for individually-planned religious lives that would best serve each person on an individual basis.

A 'Torah society' that focuses on internal development rather than external power is a beautiful thing, but creating this gender divide to force 'proper' gender development is backwards. You shouldn't be arguing for a "women's sector" of religious life that allows women to develop their own powers outside of a male-focused society, but a non-judgemental society that allows each individual to develop themselves to the best of their abilities with no attention paid towards the person's 'proper' gender role.

when the secular world will achieve that, then we can rediscuss judaisms view, but as of now, secular soceity has failed in my eyes and this is the best system i have found in creating a non judgemental society that allows individuals to develop to the best of their abilities.

Women shouldn't have to 'escape' the male-world and those so-called "male standards" that rule it, but should find their own standards equally represented on the public stage.

isnt that what i said? :)
i think you just dont like our standards.. you see them through male eyes and denigrate them. THIS is my point. i happen to be incredibly proud of my feminine abilities and powers and strengths, you just dont see them as equal to yours..

The only reason I can see then for encouraging the gender divide, is not for protecting individual spiritual development, but for keeping the social status quo and all that entails. This then leads me to my second point.

theres really no way to argue out of this. i can keep saying your system is biased to women and you are convincing ureselves its not and you can keep saying my system is biased against women and we are covincing ourselves its not..
thats argument goes both ways..

If you look back on history, or even any modern society where discrimination exists, there are always endless apologetics posited to justify that discrimination. In fact, taking your basic thesis that women have a different approach to spirituality than men, you can then justify _any_ restriction on women. You can fit virtually any offense towards women and make it seem that it's for their own good.

Whether it's burkahs on women or keeping women from driving cars or keeping them from voting or keeping them from entering the business world, all of these can be justified by an argument ensuring women that it's for their own good.

"I don’t think anyone believes that women are so simple minded that they cant recall events, but the fact is that due to their ability to think holistically, and to think more empathetically, than yes their ability to recall facts can be affected."

I really can't believe you said this. You really believe that men are better suited to recalling factual events than women?

without a doubt
maybe im just not a factual type of person and maybe i pride myself on my more holisitc perception and assume all women are like me
or maybe youre a very factual thinker and assume everyone is like you. without a doubt i beleive there is a difference in this between men and women and i clearly see how this would impact the ability to being a credible witness.
is it fair? not necessarily? but there are lots of things that arent fair. im not a cohen, and ill never be cohen gadol.. look at how many mitzvahs ill never get to perform.. totally unfair! will you ever give birth? so unfair.. thats the way the system goes. i have no problem accepting that. i dont need to do the same and be the same to be equal

Seriously. How can I trust women with such an important power as the VOTE when their power to recall events are so much poorer than men? Would you ever accept such an argument to restrict your power to testify in secular court? I think not!

"If women don’t spend as much time and as much of their energy on studying torah, (primarily because they have other obligations), then how many poseks do you expect will emerge?"

That's really not the point. The point is that even if a women held the requisite skills to be a poseket, I contend that she would never be able to exercise those skills within the contemporary community standards.

ive heard of some in some commuities. and i think it will become more popular and more accepted,. don forget that poele are poeple and eventho the torah may have allowed soemthing, but if it wasnt accepted in general society theres a good chance it would affect torah society too.
women werent judges until very recently
yet in the torah...there were exceptions

No one would see her opinion as authoritative and very few people would feel comfortable saying they act a certain way because they follow the ruling of Poseket XYZ.

"You see it as women having to walk through separate entrances; but why not see it as men walking through seprate entrances" Because it was men who made these separate entrances in the first place. This kind of thing is rarely, if ever, initiated by women. In the 1950s when there were 'White' and 'Colored' drinking fountains, nobody looked at the whites as being the victims of discrimination.

youre right but thats not the way its percieved in the torah world.
you come in with your secular mindthink and you see seperate entrances and you assume - stronger group has decided for weaker group.
i come to seperate entrances and i think - two equal groups have been sperated to prevent the desensitization of eachother.
our perspectives are different
and therefore our realities are different.
and youre right, men did set these up..but just because a man decides something regarding a woman (or vice versa) deoesnt necessarily imply that its discrimnatory,

To finish off, I'd like you to recognize how in human society it is basically a universal maxim that those in power like to stay in power. Men have ruled Jewish society for nearly as long as Judaism has existed. Do you believe it was by some coincidence that the male Rabbinate gave us a society with such male superiority?

we're back to the original point, if you beleive n the divine oral law than your question is moot. if you dont than ure point is 100% valid.

The point about women's liberation was that women had the choice to do what they willed without being held back because of their gender. They could fulfill their 'female development' to the best of their abilities or they could enter the wider world and engage in pursuits formerly restricted only to men. The point is the choice.

and thats amazing - in an ideal setting- when we start from scratch and there is no default system.
that isnt the case
and fulfilling female development in a mans world is not an option
and if you beleive it is
youre probably not a woman.

Do you believe that the very existence of this option harms women? Women who are moved to do so, can now engage the world entire without being restricted just to the women's sphere. That you personally find deep spiritual fulfillment by living a traditional woman's life in the kitchen (while barefoot and pregnant, I might add) is your own business and I wish you good fortune, but you shouldn't be using such fulfillment as reasons to hold other women back.

i can use the same argument back, if you personally find deep spiritual fulfillment in being a rabbi or a posek or watever other "man" task and dont understand why i wouldnt want the same, thats your business, but you shouldnt pressure me to want the same.
just LOOk at the tone you use when you describe a typical female role, and you expect me to feel accepted and valued and appreciated??

i say - a woman in the torah world is valued and appreciated for being a woman in the traditional sense you say - oh you can be that barefoot and pregnant woman if THATS ALL you aspire to, but if you want to be really valued, come compete against me according to my standards of success

and you expect this argument to convince me that the society u speak of is not sexist???

Contemporary Orthodoxy does not let women control their own destiny or the direction of the Jewish people on a communal level.

i very much disagree
i believe its in the small details that the real changes happen
women form human beings
human brings form communities

The issue is power. It's great and all to say that you don't care about power but about personal development, but why should you be holding back those women who have different interests than you or who feel more personally developed by going outside of traditional gender roles?

that question doesnt make sense. any woman who wants to live a torah life and who beleives that the ultimate reason for existence is to follow a spiritual path to build a relationship with G-d will care abvout that and not about power.
if someone prefers "power" they can follow any other branch of judaism or leave judaism behind..
we have free choice..

UPDATE:
and in case this post wasnt enough to read - here is interesting news (thanks to the few of you who sent this to me)
An Orthodox Jewish Woman and Spiritual Leader.
Im not sure if this article was sent to me to support or disagree with my post. I have no doubts women are as capable as men, I just think its a matter of where one wants to direct her energy, and how she chooses to connect to G-d. I have complete confidence in diversity within a Torah framework, and as long as the halacha is being upheld, I see no contradiction between this article and my point of view. it isnt a matter of what a woman can do, its a matter of what she wants to do, and i beleive this is an exception. im glad there is room for it in my understanding of torah, but im even more glad that it isnt the norm and that women, and their daughters, dont need to feel pressured by it.

Once a week, G-d throws a party.. and you're invited.....

2006-08-18T09:59:00.000-04:00

People always ask me if i don’t feel cheated that i keep shabbat every week..
if I don’t get bored sitting at home..
if I don’t feel stifled..

shabbat?? boring?? stifling?? I wouldn’t survive without it...

It’s one of the greatest gifts I have in my life.
One of the few sureties in my life.
No matter how my week goes, no matter how difficult it gets, no matter how long it seems, no matter how exhausting.. shabbat comes at the end and all those mundane insecurities, just fade away.
TGIF
The minute I light those Shabbat candles, I leave behind the illusion and step into reality.
I feel my heart, my mind and my soul get released from the shackles of routine and pettiness.
I feel the connection to my history, to my people and most importantly to my creator.

Our everyday lives revolve around our sustenance, around working, making a living, supporting ourselves and our families, running around that interminable ratrace , but we all know deep down inside that this cant possibly be the purpose of our existence. There has to be more.
On Shabbat we step back from that constant pursuit for physical sustenance and we reframe and refocus on the real meaning, on our spiritual sustenance. We take a step back and re-evaluate life, where its going, where we want it to go, who we want to be.

On Shabbat we aren’t allowed to do any melacha – that’s often translated as “work”, but in fact 'work' is ‘avoda’ in Hebrew.
melacha comes from the root of ‘melech’, a king, whereas avoda comes from the root of ‘eved’, a slave.
Those activities which require our creative abilities, our planning, and domination are activities which demonstrate our ability to control our surroundings, to dominate nature - that's what we give up on Shabbat.
All week long we live under the impression that we are masters of our lives, under the impression that we are ruling the system, that we are in control.
On Shabbat, we remember that our supremacy over nature is purely an illusion,. We step back, and we hand the throne back to G-d. We give up the impression that our apparent dominance over nature is our greatest asset and we return to the purity of being a creation of G-d. We stop creating and we start being.
We sit back an enjoy the fruits of G-ds generosity, we enjoy our families, and friends, we take the time to think, to meditate, to enjoy the delicacies; we refocus and rejewvinate!

I’m sure that anyone who has lived through a beautiful Shabbat will agree with me, and I can guarantee that anyone who has never experienced it will not understand.
It’s a multisensory experience that needs to be lived. No words can do it justice.

I wish you all a beautiful, peaceful and rejewvinating shabbos koidesh!

enjoy

2006-08-15T23:39:00.000-04:00

El Tango de Roxanne

Jason Mraz - The Remedy - live

if you get an error, just click on it again

Shotey Hanevua - ein ani

2006-08-10T09:46:00.000-04:00

Last night I came home feeling pretty good but when I read about 15 soldiers who died, my mood plummeted, throwing me into a terribly sad and lonely mood.

Feeling good sometimes has the same effect as feeling sad or down - it leads to loneliness. Not having someone to share either of them with is so difficult. No matter how much I want to be self sufficient, its times like these that I realize why I need someone in my life.

So I read the news, and I searched on line for more information and the numbness I had built up to handle the situation in Israel started crumbling down.
And then I felt guilty.

The nerve I have. Im here, in my north American safe haven. Im not in a shelter, I don’t have a son fighting the war, im not facing enemies that want to annihilate me, I didn’t lose my home or my business, I don’t have children who wake up screaming from nightmares, I don’t have a loved one waiting at the border to enter combat.

I'm home, by my computer, drowning in self pity.

The gall I have of feeling sorry for myself, of feeling sad and scared and lonely.

And so I go back to reading the news.
I tell myself I need to focus on the issue at hand.. this isnt about me.

15 soldiers died.
I just repeat those words - and it doesn’t feel like anything
I read 15 books last summer
I have 15 pairs of shoes
The flight took 15 hours
I ate 15 cookies!
Its just words
How can the same words express something of that magnitude and something as mundane?
And so I feel guilty...

15 soldiers died!!
Feel IT dammit
This isnt about you
This is about them.
Its 15 widows,
15 fatherless families,
15 broken hearted girlfriends,
15 mothers who’s lives have ended,
15 sets of dreams and aspirations and hopes and potential cut short.
its countless people falling into despair, soldiers injured, lives ruined, people hurting.
..and it starts to really hurt.
But its not enough.
The guilt I feel is so much stronger.
So i look at picures.
I read stories, I listen to sad songs, I watch these on line montages and I start to feel my heart ripping out.

Oh no, what did I do? why did I open that pandoras box?
I cant handle it
Now I remember why the numbness was there to begin with.
My heart or my brain or my soul cant handle the magnitude of it, I dont know what to do with this pain, this fear.

I don’t understand how the people in Israel do it..
How are they living, how are they waking up and going to work and eating lunch and going for coffee and smoking a cigarette and going to movies and falling in love and playing guitar and baking cookies and hating and forgiving and living.
How do they do it??
How do they get past the pain and fear and the despair?

And so I went to bed last night feeling hopeless and helpless, lonely and afraid.

But this morning, when i woke up I said my morning blessings.. and I meant them.

Blessed are You Hashem, our G-d, King of the universe who gives strength to the weary.

I woke up this morning with renewed strength. a few hours of sleep, of near unconsciousness, and I woke up a completely different person with a completely different perspective and a completely renewed faith.
I woke up with energy to face the world, to face this war, to face the guilt of not being there and to face this chaotic existence.

Did you ever fall asleep completely exhausted or sad or lonely or drained or weak or hopeless, and then wake up the next morning with a fresh mind and soul ready to deal with life?
Isn’t it amazing?
I pray that we can, one day very soon, open our eyes to a bright morning where the pain and the fear and the loneliness feels like a distant memory of a difficult night.

m00kiness

2006-08-07T21:47:00.000-04:00

thanks the to the king of awesome videos, limey2001, for finding this m00kielicious video!

....and in other news.. i finally got myself a pair of

crocadoodled00s

and its TrueLove4-ever!

our own 9/11

2006-08-03T16:44:00.000-04:00

Its Tisha bav afternoon and I’m sitting here at my computer reading about this tragic day, its history and its meaning and I’m wondering.. why don’t I feel it the way I should?
I don’t think this post will get read by many, most of you wont be at your computer today, and by the time you log on, after the fast, you wont want to read about tisha bav..
So I’m writing this for myself, to make sense of this day, to help clear my mind and understand what I should be feeling.

It’s midday and I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing. I ate an egg dipped in ashes last night, I sat on the floor, I’m not wearing freshly cleaned clothes, I’m not showered, I’m not eating or drinking, I’m not listening to music, I’m not entertaining myself with frivolous activities.. I’m spending this long day, thinking and reading.. and yet I don’t feel the sadness I should.

I read about the destruction of the temples, I think of the massacres of the time, I think of the Spanish inquisition which was also started today, I think of the Holocaust, I think of all kinds of tragedies that have befallen my people, and it makes me sad.. but I don’t feel ... Tisha Bav.
What am I looking for? What am I trying to feel?

I’ve been thinking that maybe I just don’t understand what the loss of the beit hamikdash is because I don’t understand what having it was like. It can’t be the beauty of it, no one would spend 2000 years crying over stones and gold and silver, it must be the deeper reality of its existence.

One way of empathizing is to try and find a similar situation that you've experienced that helps you understand the feeling and then to project that onto another situation so it can be internalized. So, I tried that, and I thought of 9/11 - the destruction of 2 massive buildings that tragically altered the face of our reality.

Sounds comparable.. kind of..

So I started thinking.. true thousands of people died on September 11th, true the 2 world trade center towers were savagely demolished..
But… millions of people have been massacred across the globe, countless edifices have been destroyed, what is it about the thought of 9/11 that gives me goose bumps, that sends a tremor of fear up my spine?

When we think of 9/11, when we mourn that fateful day, few of us are thinking of the loss of the two buildings. Aside from those who have lost close ones, most of us don’t even think of the loss of life. In fact when 9/11 comes up, most of us react with a feeling, not a thought. We feel the effects of its loss, we feel the aftershocks. And the truth is, we feel them every day since then. 9/11 has completely distorted our understanding of what life is supposed to be like.

I cant believe that it’s only a few years ago that we didn’t have security checks in the airports, that we didn’t have a Homeland Security Advisory System, where terrorist attacks were not expected occurrences, where the news of American and Canadian soldiers dying in current battles was appalling. I cant believe that its only a few years ago that fundamentalist Islam was a distant threat that none of us seriously considered and that we lived our lives without the constant menace of terror attacks. Personally, I know that every time I sit on a subway train in New York, for a split second, I wonder if there isn’t a terrorist riding along with me and for a fleeting moment i feel a stab of fear, of insecurity. I know that every single time I’ve been in a tunnel or a bridge I’ve considered the option that the van next to me may be carrying explosives. I know that I’ve worried about wearing my magen david in my university, I’ve worried about expressing my opinions, I’ve worried about possible travel destinations, I’ve worried about suspicious individuals I come across, I’ve worried about a war, I’ve worried about chaos and destruction.

“Recommended Activities
All Americans should continue to be vigilant, take notice of their surroundings, and report suspicions items or activities to local authoritiesimmediately.
Everybody should establish an emergency preparedness kit as well as a communications plan for themselves and their family, and stay informed about what to do during an emergency situation.”

None of these thoughts were part of my thinking before 9/11.

So when I think of September 11th, the thoughts that come to my mind are most often related to the effects of that attack. I feel the fear and the insecurity, the disconnection from the more peaceful reality I once lived.

And that got me to thinking about our own 9th day of the 11th month, the day our two temples were destroyed. Maybe I’m not feeling it because I’m trying to mourn a physical loss which is so far from my reality that I cant appreciate it, instead of mourning the effects of it which I currently experience.

True, not having a bet himkdash means I cant experience the beauty of it, I cant pray there, I cant see or hear the kohanim.. but that’s not what hurts the most. With the loss of the temple, came the distancing of G-d, and that’s where the real tragedy is.

Having lost the temples has led to our disconnecting from Truth and Reality. The illusion of materialism blinds us - we don’t have the temple anymore where the joining of the physical and the material was experienced daily. We’ve lost the clarity; we no longer have prophets who can guide us. On Shavuot we celebrated our marriage to G-d, and on Tisha bav we’ve been repudiated by our Beloved, forsaken and left alone. We have been left to fend for ourselves, broken and scattered.

Where has this disconnection and lack of clarity led us to? It has led us to wars, to abuse, to cruelty. No man would cheat on his wife, no parent would strike his child, no teenager would commit suicide, no single mom would go to bed crying night after night.. if we had the clarity and the tangible knowledge that G-d was with us. No holocaust could have happened, no Cossacks, no inquisitors, no hizbulla, no katuyshas could exist if G-d was allowed a real presence in our midst. No loneliness, no fear, no confusion would plague our minds and our souls if we could connect to G-d in a sincere way. Like a child comforted by his mother when she hugs him, we'd have a Home to go to and be reassured and comforted.

When we had a temple, we had a place to witness the Shechina in a tangible way. We had a place to ask for forgiveness, and be forgiven, we witnessed miracles, we had a home with our Beloved. How many times do you hear people say "If G-d spoke to me, if I witnessed a miracle, I’d believe?" How many times have you thought, "please Hashem, just give me a sign?" How many times have I felt alone, overwhelmed, scared, desperate and begged Hashem to take care of me?
We could have had that, but we lost it.

How many of us find ourselves straying from the path we want to be on, how often do we get weak and give in to temptation, how many times do we feel so removed and distant from G-d that we decide we have take matters into our own hands. How much of that distance has translated itself into fear, into bitterness, and eventually to harming ourselves and others.

I can’t cry for the temple because I barely understand what it was. I can barely cry for the Holocaust because I have been so desensitized to it. But, I can cry for all the pain and suffering I witness around me. I can cry for the soldiers, I can cry for their moms. I can cry for those who are so far from a meaningful existence, and for those searching and being led astray by imposters. I can cry for those of us who have been deceived, lied to, abused by our leaders. I can cry for the selfishness, the hate, the malice we endure on a daily basis. I can cry for all of the effects of this original destruction, for the painful and chaotic existence we now live.

Tisha bav will be over in a few hours, I’ll eat, I’ll play some music, I’ll feel the anxiety lift off and and I’m afraid I’ll resume my life just as it was a few weeks ago.

But that will simply lead me back here, a year from now, G-d forbid.

I cant cry for the loss of the temple all year long. I don’t have it in me. But, unfortunately, I will keep crying for the effects of it because the impact is ongoing. The suffering will continue, long after the fast, long after the commemoration, long after the mandatory tears. The effects of this loss, close to 2000 years old, will keep me suffering every day, and if I cant mourn over the temple, I hope that I can at least carry with me the clarity to understand that the reason I suffer, the reason there is suffering around me, is a direct result of this day, a direct result of being expelled from home, and far away from my G-d.

blinded

2006-08-01T00:15:00.000-04:00

I read this amazing post today about self esteem and specialness and how a person can view themselves as relatively superior/special or as intrinsically special and what the difference is between the two. I don’t want to repeat the whole post here and I definitely recommend reading it before reading this one, but the main point was that real self esteem is based on intrinsic value, the kind that is spiritual and tied to our godliness. This got me thinking about how that applies to women and their self esteem.

We know that self esteem is based on the perception a person has of their own self worth and by women it often revolves around physical beauty. In the non-Torah world, feminism preaches the freedom for a woman to dress and act as she pleases, without concern for the needs or desires of men. Feminism is supposed to accord women the freedom that men have always had, the freedom to behave according to self-serving motivations.
Judaism, on the other hand, is often perceived as restrictive and denigrating towards women.

Well women, I disagree.. and here comes my little rant.

Don’t tell me Judaism is sexist, while you parade barely dressed and allow others to objectify you. Real worth comes from qualities that have depth, infinite depth. It comes from a spiritual source, from working and developing one’s character, one’s godliness.

You complain that men don’t treat you like equals, you complain about eating disorders, you complain about the dating process, but why don’t you complain about a society that objectifies you, that requires of you to flaunt your body to please men, a society that expects you to harm yourself to be pleasing to the eyes.. of men, a society that expects you to satisfy men's basic instincts. Why don’t you build a society where people are viewed according to their intrinsic worth, where people are valued according to their hard work and character development, where people don’t objectify other human beings, where women are not considered toys, tools.

I agree that women want attention from men and that's natural, but why do we feel the need to give them the basest of reasons to be attracted to us. Who decided that the standards of men need to be so low? Why do we accept that decision? Let them be attracted to the real you, the one you’ve worked on and developed, the one centred on your godliness, the one expressing your true essence.

Skin can be blinding, and it’s a real shame when we let it blind the world, and ourselves, from seeing our soul.
We are so afraid of real intimacy, of a real connection, that we try to blind those around us to our true selves. We want to take easy way out, we want to be noticed without the hard work, without the spiritual development.

We bare our skin to hide our soul.

So women, next time you feel like your self esteem is lacking, you feel like you’re not worthy, ask yourself what you’re basing your worth on? Are you looking at yourself through the eyes of others, others who are seeing you as a worthless, physical object existing to please their senses. Ask yourself whether your desire to bare your skin isnt simply a cop out because you’re afraid you don’t have the intrinsic beauty to attract others with?
Stop and realize your real worth.
Your real self esteem is based on something much more spiritual. Don’t blind others from seeing it too. Let your soul shine to those who want to take the time to see it. Instead of instantly gratifying the gawkers, reward those who take the time and have the desire to see the real you.

Next time someone tells you Judaism is sexist, tell them that the day women of the world see themselves as more than hips that don’t lie, sparkly bellybuttons and bootilicious, then they will have earned the right to tell you about a woman's worth. In the meantime they can go preach to those nice juicy steaks at the butchershop.

(and to the men out there..i know you probably think all this is pretty obvious, but until youve stepped in our shoes (which i dont recommend :) then you have no idea how difficult it is to internalize these ideas and to live by them.)

(another amazing post related to this topic of inherent worth)

ooh ooh meme me pick me!!

2006-07-27T01:16:00.000-04:00

ive been tagged ...

Things I want to do before dying:
get married and have kids
get a phd in psychology
dye my hair purple and cover it
travel to Russia, Kenya, Alaska, Ireland and China
write a book
live in tsfat
learn to live fearlessly
hitchike across america and eat apple pie a la mode in random diners

Things I can not do:
keep my room clean
do dishes before the food encrusts permanently in them
throw used kleenex IN the garbage
set the table correctly
tell left from right
stay calm in a debate/discussion
stay polite with pushy/nagging people
return phone calls

Things I can do:
be real/ honest
forgive, forget
be daring.. sometimes.. when its not too scary!
procrastinate like a pro
think critically
go to the bathroom.. anywhere, anytime
ignore spiders
survive my extreme mood swings (i make no promises for those around me!)

What attracted me to my husband:
definitely not his speed in finding me!

Things I want in a mate:
depth
honesty
humility
a good heart
warm eyes
acceptance, not judgemental
open mindedness
purity, love and joy in his avodat hashem
a funky eclectic fun side
and my guilty pleasure... a thick neck

Things I say most often:
omgomg
are you on crack?!
aleeeek
I was juuust going to call you…
so.. I have a theory on that..
poop
oh no! I forgot my wallet/money/creditcard/bank card…
my head hurts :(
but..

Books that I love -> I already listed that here so I'm changing it to:
Books that I am currently reading:
Sophie’s World – jostein gaarder
A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat – Oliver Sacks
Borrowed Time – Yair Weinstock
Chofetz Chaim - A Daily companion

Movies that I love-> I already listed that here so I'm changing it to :
TV shows that I love:
law and Order
scrubs
malcolm in the Middle
lost
the office
greys anatomy

and now its my turn to tag (muahaha)...
david on the lake ,
the only way I know,
scraps,
and yeshivishguy (if he ever gets back here!)

randomness on the cape

2006-07-25T01:19:00.000-04:00

I just came back from a weekend trip and although I have nothing too exciting to report, I thought I would share a bunch of random events that happened.

Since I’m starting a new job soon and they only want to pay me AFTER I start working (the nerve!) I decided that I would skip going on a big trip this summer and instead take a long weekend road trip down to Cape Cod.

I don’t know how popular it is as a tourist destination among the crowd who reads this blog, but it was absolutely beautiful. It’s a very quaint and charming beach town, not Florida gaudy or Atlantic-city touristy at all, the beach is relatively quiet and the people are SO friendly (I’ve never had so many strangers smile and say hello to me in the street!) All across town there are lobster/crab/chowder eateries, pubs and mini putt golf courses and the landscape is filled with lighthouses, fishing boats and small cape cod style wooden houses. It’s really serene and natural.

There was, however, one problem and that was the weather. We were expecting a good 3-4 days of beautiful beach weather and instead we ended up spending our time hiding from, or anticipating, a tropical storm which was happening not too far off the coast.

We were hoping for this…

Instead we got … this…

Gray cloudy skies and rain throughout the day is not my idea of a beach style summer vacation. Its one thing to have 3 days of rain when you’re on a 2 week vacation, but its much more unpleasant on a 4 day vacation!

One of the random things that happened was that on one of those rainy afternoons, I ended up going to the nearby mall (when in bad weather, shop!). For those of you who know Cape cod, I’m sure you’ll agree that it feels like the most un-Jewish place. I found more Jews in Asia than I did out in Hyannis. Well if there’s one thing anyone who likes traveling knows its that, there isn’t a place on earth where you don’t find coca cola, chabad and Israelis! The first two, I found right away, but I was really starting to believe that Israelis had not yet set foot out on the Cape. You can imagine my surprise when I was walking in the mall and passed one of those little stands that sells hand cream and a beautiful, fresh off_the_boat Israeli girl approached me to sell me some of her products. Of course I had no interest in that but I right away started speaking to her in Hebrew and we got into a whole conversation about what she was doing, where she was from and where she was headed. I gave her my contact information and told her to be in touch if she was ever in my area. The coolest thing was that this adorable tattooed Israeli traveler, making money selling hand creams so she could go traveling to south america as she has just completed her army service, asked me (after noticing my long skirt) whether it was better to light her Shabbat candles – before 9 am - before she went to work – or after 10 pm when she got home on Friday night. (I guessed and told her 9 am sounded safer!) Anyway it was really fun to meet her and get a little taste of Israel, especially during this time when I feel so homesick for Israel.

The next random thing was this shop I came across in the mall – it was called the Gourmet Dog Bakery. That’s right DOG BAKERY! They had all kinds of delicious looking treats.. for dogs!
They had a dog birthday cake in the shape of a bone for $19.99, they had dog truffles and dog cookies, they had birthday party supplies for dogs and fashion accessories for dogs!
FOR DOGS!!
At first I thought it was really funny.. but then I realized how sad and pathetic it was..I mean, my family has a beautiful dog and I love her.. but people- seriously- need- to- get- a- grip!

Finally a series of random wedding related things happened.
First my sister found a dress she needed in a bridal store (who even walks into one of those cheesy overpriced stores?!).
Then a newlywed couple registered into our hotel. The bride walked in with her wedding dress still on, and their car had a sign that said, “just married”… how romantic! (who goes to a motor lodge for their honeymoon?!).
Then on Saturday night we took a walk on the marina and we saw a guy propose to his girlfriend. We weren’t close enough to hear them but it was clear from the way she jumped up and kept looking at her finger and squealing in delight.
And finally on the last day, as we were driving home, we stopped at a rest area on the road and I saw two bunny rabbits run out of a bush and into the forest – now if that’s not a sign, I don’t know what it is..
Apparently.. love.. is.. in.. the.. air..

So that was my exciting weekend on the tropical storm hit beaches of Cape Cod. I had a really nice and relaxing time, but the next time I go on a trip, I’ll make sure to check the weather channel before I head out - and to have all that wedding randomness revolve around me !!

so much more than a body

2006-07-23T22:40:00.000-04:00

i just came back from a weekend trip and im really tempted to post about it but i am so so so tired that im choosing, instead, to do the easy thing and just copy/paste something short and beautiful that I've come across..

enjoy the food for thought..

"The soul of man is like a piece of crystal,

but it takes the color of whatever is near it.

Whatever the soul touches... it has to take its color.

That is the difficulty.

That constitutes bondage.

The color is so strong,

the crystal forgets itself and identifies itself with the color.

Suppose a red flower is near the crystal:

the crystal takes the color and forgets itself, thinks it is red.

We have taken the color of the body and have forgotten what we are.

All the difficulties that follow come from that one dead body.

All our fears, all worries, anxieties, troubles, mistakes, weakness, evil,

are from that one great blunder-- that we are bodies.

This is the ordinary person.

It is the person taking the color of the flower near to it.

We are no more bodies than the crystal is the red flower."
- Vivekananda

war

2006-07-18T09:08:00.000-04:00

I don’t want war in Israel. I know this sounds like an obvious statement but I feel that in some way it sounds a little radical. Everywhere I turn I hear calls for the destruction of our enemies. I hear about wiping them off the map. I hear that this is finally Israel’s chance to do what needs to be done. I hear battle cries from all sides.
Unfortunately I hear them from the enemy too, and it really scares me.

Of course Israel has a right to defend itself, of course the force used is not disproportional considering the enemy and what’s at stake. Of course I support Israel 100%.....
but I don’t want a war.

I know many are praying for long lasting peace and for a quick and painless resolution to this conflict.. but I have a feeling many have forgotten that this is the end goal we should all be directing our efforts to.

The situation in Israel tears me up inside. I cringe every time I open a news site to see what’s happened, but I would rather spend my energy praying for peace than gloating over the hopeful and anticipated destruction of Israel's enemies. Maybe im wrong, but I don’t CARE about any enemies being destroyed, I just want them to let Israel live in peace! I get no satisfaction from knowing that Arab civilians were killed.

Praying for the destruction of our ennemies and hoping for their annihilation seems to me like praying for the symptoms to go away instead of the illness to be cured.

I want to pray for peace and for a quick and safe resolution to this mess. I don’t wish for a massacre, I don’t wish to prove Israeli might over its enemies. I don’t want Palestinians or Lebanese or arabs to die or suffer. I am not happy and wishing for the death of civilians and the destruction of civilian infrastructures.

But - most of all - I dont want war for the sake of Israel, Israelis and Jews everywhere. I worry about the effect a war has/will have on Israel. Don’t get me wrong, as much as the wasteful death of “the others” pains me, it is at the bottom of my list of worries. What REALLY worries me are the Israeli casualties – physical and mental.

We can forgive you for killing our sons. But we will never forgive you
for making us kill yours. - Golda Meir, to Anwar Saddat just before the
peace talks.

Soldiers who need to fight and kill turn into barbarians because often it’s the only way for them to cope. Cognitive dissonance dictates that they shed their human traits even when they are out of battle so that they can continue to do what is necessary when they are in battle. This is not something I wish upon my brothers.

in 1948 there were 6,373 Israeli casualties
in the 6 day war there were 779 killed, 2,563 wounded and 15 prisoners
in the Yom Kipur war there were 2,656 killed and 7,250 wounded
in the Lebanon war there were 675 killed
and since September 2000 there was been 1,119 people killed in terrorist attacks.

Those aren’t just numbers, each and everyone one of those is someone’s son, father, wife, sister.. jobs lost, post traumatic stress, shortage of necessities, alcoholism, anxiety, fear, orphans and widows.. all those are natural consequences of war – and this is what we wish for?? War is not handsome soldiers, shiny fighter jets, flags waving... it's pain and suffering and destruction.

I know everyone wants peace in the end. No one wants to live in a perpetual state of conflict, but it makes me sick when I hear the blood thirsty calls for the destruction of our enemies. I want to make it clear that I am in no way criticizing Israel and its actions, I fully support Israel and I have faith in its leaders. What I am having an especially hard time with is the enthusiasm displayed by those living in their American (or european..) comfort, foaming at the mouth, and calling for war and destruction. If we believe in G-d then let Him find a way to get rid of our enemies, let Him find a way to bring us peace – our only participation in this should be meriting peace and security through out exemplary deeds and our prayers.

We don't thrive on military acts. We do them because we have to, and thank God we are efficient. - Golda Meir

This world, including the politicians, the national borders, the fighter jets.. are all illusion. The ONLY thing that matters at the end of the day is the way we behave spiritually. Our fate is based on that. When the lives of our brothers and sisters are lost, when pieces of the land are given away, when Israel suffers, it is a direct result of the lacks in our efforts – spiritual efforts. G-d gives us what we deserve and at this point, I don’t feel we have very much to be proud of.

I don’t want to worry about the enemy, I want to worry about myself and my behavior and my avodat hashem, and that in the end will bring peace in a faster and more painless way than wishing for the destruction of my enemies.

It is true we have won all our wars, but we have paid for them. We don't want victories anymore. - Golda Meir

remind me why....

2006-07-16T14:07:00.000-04:00

im having a mid-bloglife crisis..
and i came across this
- mirrors my thoughts for today..

who are we kidding?!

update : i just had such a good laugh and im feeling MUCH better..
check it out!

and here's some more good stuff...
"if a mime fell in a forest, would it make a sound? If I ever see a mime in a forest, I'm going to trip it to find out. "

"I didn't have any friends when I was a kid (and I still don't), so I would spend all my time hating Tony Danza"

"If there were a building that stood for grammatical integrity, this email would be the plane that crashed into it."

"If you lose your job to an immigrant, it's probably because he or she was willing to work harder for less money" "It's not like they can literally come to America, ambush us in the parking lot and take our jobs. "

learning to detach

2006-07-11T14:55:00.000-04:00

This is an excerpt I really like from the book Tuesdays with Morrie. The book is about Morrie, a professor who in the last moments of his terminal illness imparts his lessons on life and living to one of his students. We have a tendency to fight strong emotions. We all crave drama but when it comes to real emotions, we shy away from them because we're afraid. I think most of the time the reason we're afraid of these emotions is because we feel like if we give in, we'll lose control. Morrie advises Mitch, his student, to just go with the emotions, as they come, to let go, to live them fully... and then, to detach from them.
We want to feel the emotions... but not too much. The problem is that when you keep fighting the emotions, they get bottled up and eventually they burst out of you at the wrong time and in the wrong form. Accepting that at a certain moment you feel a certain emotion, experiencing it completely .... but keeping in the back of your mind the awareness that you are in control, that this is a natural emotion, it has come.. and it will go - when youre ready - allows you to live it fully and then, to let it go and move on. It allows you to regain control and not to be a slave to your emotions.

The small horrors of his illness were growing, and when I finally sat down with Morrie, he was coughing more than usual, a dry, dusty cough that shook his chest and made his head jerk forward. After one violent surge, he stopped, closed his eyes, and took a breath. I sat quietly because I thought he was recovering from his exertion.

“Is the tape on?” he said suddenly, his eyes still closed.

Yes, yes, I quickly said, pressing down the play and record buttons.

“What I’m doing now,” he continued, his eyes still closed, “is detaching myself from the experience.”

Detaching yourself?

“Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important – not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach.”

He opened his eyes. Exhaled.

“You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent.”

But wait, I said. Aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

“Yes.”

Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?

“Ah. You’re thinking, Mitch. But detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you're able to leave it.”

I’m lost.

“Take any emotion for example - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached. You're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you are afraid of the grief. You are afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, "All right.i have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now i need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

Morrie stopped and looked me over, perhaps to make sure I was getting this right.
“I know you think this is just about dying, “ he said, “but it’s like I keep telling you. When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”

Morrie talked about his most fearful moments, when he felt his chest locked in heaving surges or when he wasn’t sure where his next breath would come from. These were horrifying times, he said, and his first emotions were horror, fear, anxiety. But once he recognized the feel of those emotions, their texture, their moisture, the shiver down the back, the quick flash of heat that crosses your brain- then he was able to say, “Okay. This is fear. Step away from it. Step away.”
I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

Morrie’s approach was exactly the opposite.Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won’t hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, “Alright, it’s just fear, I don’t have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.”

Same for loneliness: you let go. Let the tears flow, feel it completely – but eventually be able to say, “All right, that was my moment with loneliness, I’m not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.”

“Detach,” Morrie said again
[….]

Finally, in a whisper, he said, “I know how I want to die.”

I waited in silence.

“I want to die serenely. Peacefully. Not like what just happened.

“And this is where detachment comes in. If I die in the middle of a coughing spell like I just had, I need to be able to detach from the horror, I need to say, “This is my moment.”
"I don’t want to leave the world in a state of fright. I want to know what’s happening, accept it, get to a peaceful place, and let go. Do you understand?”

I nodded.

Don’t let go yet, I added quickly.

Morrie forced a smile. “No. Not yet. We still have work to do.”

Little People

2006-07-09T01:53:00.000-04:00

I had this random thought today and im curious to hear what others think.
I was noticing today how children in the Torah observant communities dress like mini adults.
The boys sport little blue suits with white shirts and if they’re teenagers a black hat/fedora. They have black dress shoes and buzz cuts. They look like mini men.
The girls wear little pin striped suits, or long skirts and button down shirts.
They remind me of businessmen and career women, mini mommies and daddies, completely at ease in these nonflexible outfits. The girls wear their hair up and sit cross legged, the boys, mischievous as they are, sit properly and adult like when in the presence of grown-ups.
I just looked at them today and thought – these are not the kids im used to, these are mini adults – adults in training.

Now contrast that to what we are used to seeing out in the world. When was the last time you saw a little boy in a suit, or a girl wearing a dress? Boys wear jeans, ripped t-shirts, baggy, comfortable clothes and the girls wear funky little outfits, bright tshirts with their bellybuttons showing and denim mini skirts. Everything is stretchy, bright and fun.
Now my initial reaction was.. oh these poor little religious kids, cant they dress more casually, have a little fun, they’re just kids after all? But then it occurred to me. At what point does a child switch from “just a kid” to a responsible, mature adult, in terms of clothing and more importantly, in terms of mentality?

When you look out into the world, you realize, it’s not only the kids who are wearing stretchy, bright and fun clothes. More and more this has become the way adults dress too. Casual Friday at work, lycra gowns, baby T’s, platform shoes, mini, shiny, stretchy, comfy.. that’s the dress code today.. but not for kids alone, for adults as well.

So what’s wrong with adults also dressing comfortably? creatively? fun? I don’t know if anything is wrong with it but it makes me wonder where this tendency comes from? Is it from an unhealthy desire to remain child-like, from a selfish yearning for childish freedom?

It seems to me that in today’s society, the emphasis is on ‘fun’ and ‘easy’. Everyone wants to be happy, but happy is often associated with having fun and feeling good – and that shows in the clothing of our generation. In a society where it’s common to lie about one’s age, where botox is a lunchtime beauty procedure and where every effort is made to stay looking young, children are taught that adulthood and maturity is to be avoided at all costs. People are getting married later – if at all – and its not uncommon for women to start having children much later, balding men ride in their red convertibles, everyone’s teeth are capped, and not a grey hair can be seen. The message is – avoid getting old – at all costs! Maturity, wisdom and experience are not valued. Youth, entertainment and a carefree existence are this generation’s aspirations.

In the Torah world, the focus seems to be different. Children are in training for something much more serious. They will have to live a life focused on spiritual growth and community service and the training can’t start when they turn 18. It’s a process that needs to begin during childhood. Of course children are children, and have needs specific to childhood, but the focus is on training responsible adults.

I don’t know if this idea is a little far fetched, but today, as I sat in synagogue and watched this little girl in her pinstriped suit in contrast to the (not so young) woman in her lycra army print clothing (much more suitable for her grandaughter!) it occurred to me that there really was a difference in the way these two communities dress. Not a differnces based on the laws of modesty, but one based on perspectives, on life focus, on direction. It made me proud to be part of a community that sees so much potential in its children and dresses them in a way to inspire them to grow up unafraid of growing up.

I dont beleive it!!

2006-07-06T00:52:00.000-04:00

People love throwing around terms like emunah, bitachon, faith, trust…or giving generic advice like “you just need to have bitachon!”
(JUST?!) and for the longest time this kind of thing would drive me crazy. I thought I understood those terms but whenever someone would tell me to just have bitachon I’d cringe.. what a cop out piece of advice. It seemed so abstract, so empty, I just couldn’t internalize it.

Today, I try not to be one of those people who throws around terms like that.. but sometimes it really is JUST the right expression to use, the right feeling to have.

I once heard it explained to me this way :

Emunah is the belief that whatever happens comes from G-d. It’s being able to see the hidden hand of the “Craftsman” (אומן - oman) through His work.

Bitachon is the behavior that accompanies that belief, it implies acting in a way that demonstrates that you are 100% sure that whatever is going on is divinely guided. We accept that as long as we put in the effort do the right thing, then the outcome is in the hands of G-d.

The other day, I was talking to a friend and she started telling me how she is so stressed out about her children’s schools, the community, her husband , his job, their new house.. and all I could think was “Why is she freaking out?? Doesn’t she realize she cant control what school her kids will be accepted to, where her husband will work, how the community will treat them? Doesn’t she realize that she is only responsible for her efforts, the outcome is ultimately in G-d’s hands??” She then concluded by telling me that all she really wants is for things to go smoothly so she can do her avodat hashem in peace. At that point I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I asked her if she didn’t think that maybe her avodat hashem was to not freak out, to accept her challenges, to accept G-d’s decisions and to deal with them with love and be’simcha .... and that maybe she was missing the point?

The way I understand it, reading tehilim, praying, keeping the mitzvot are not an end in themselves, they're simply tools. The goal is to connect to Hashem, to get to know Him, to develop a relationship and to emulate Him. Keeping the mitsvot are tools we were given to help us connect. Reading tehilim helps me develop emunah and bitachon. Not being jealous helps me accept my lot. Keeping Shabbat reminds me that I am not the Creator, despite how much I feel like I spend my entire week creating. What’s the point of nitpicking on the details and the technicalities if I miss the whole point and panic whenever things don’t turn out the way I want them to!?

Having bitachon means that I behave in a way that shows that I accept what G-d decides for me, I welcome G-d's authority. I don’t freak out, I don’t panic, I don’t go crazy trying to control things.. I do my best, and I accept the outcome.

Now of course.. this is all
so
much
easier
said
than
done!

So here is my little bitachon story ..
A few weeks ago, when I was still job searching, I was called in to pass an exam for a potential employer. I was only alerted a few days before and the amount of material to study was massive. I procrastinated and panicked until I finally broke down and accepted that there was no way I’d have enough time to study and would inevitably fail the exam. I quickly skimmed over the material and figured it was pointless to bother studying since there was no way I'd learn it all.

Throughout the night I had this debate raging in my head that went something like this :

"It really is pointless to study - you know there is no way you can get through the material adequately enough to realistically pass this exam or ever get this job!"

"well sure, but passing an exam or getting a job isnt really in my hands, it's in G-d’s hands. As long as I do my part, I study, I show up at the exam, I write the exam, the results really are not under my control."

"oh puleeeeeez.. you actually beleive that?? what do you think is going to happen?! The answers wont just fall from the sky!! There’s no way you can pass this exam even if you study ALL night”

“So G-d can create the universe and sustain it, but He cant make me pass an exam if He wants to?!”

I finally just went to bed (me and all my voices) and figured I'd just deal with my upcoming failure in the morning.

In the morning the friend I drove to the exam with showed me a list of questions she had received from another friend who had taken the exam a few weeks earlier and we reviewed the questions to get an idea of what to expect. Of course I didn’t know any of the answers, but then again, I had assumed I wouldn’t, and didn’t bother too much with the reviewing.

Well, I’m sure that by now you must have figured out what happened. I went to take the exam and to my complete shock, as I turned over the sheet and read through the questions, I realized that this exam was IDENTICAL to the one my friend had shown me in the car. I had assumed I would fail and had barely paid attention to the answers, but now I realized I could have easily had a 100% on this exam if I hadnt been so convnced there was no way I could pass. If only I had had some emunah and acted with bitachon, I would have done my part, studied, and trusted that the rest would fall into place if it was meant to be. I answered those questions I recalled and hoped for the best with the rest. I have to say though that the amazing thing was the realization I had. It hit me as soon as I saw the exam - G-d had found a way to create the universe AND make me pass this exam. What a shock! I had lacked bitachon, pure and simple. I had assumed that there was something that G-d could NOT do and had acted accordingly. What an amazing lesson this was. I sat through the exam with a huge smile on my face, I didn’t care anymore if I passed or failed this exam, the lesson was worth so much more than any exam or job!
At this point in my life, I think I have finally internalized the meaning of these terms... the goal now is "just" to keep it at the forefront of my mind.

prepare for take off

2006-06-27T00:21:00.000-04:00

I love travelling.
Whatever stage I am at in my life - whether I’m working, in school, or in transition between the two - the one thing summer always awakens in me is the urge to travel. I haven’t travelled much, but I have been fortunate enough to visit some amazing places. Those places I haven’t travelled to yet, I try to experience vicariously through books and movies.
India, Ireland, Tibet, Japan, and even the United States are all places I dream of one day visiting. These stories whet my appetite and keep the longing alive until I have the opportunity to experience them personally.

The place I’ve travelled to the most is Israel. This often comes as a surprise to Israelis - that we foreigners consider this small country an unlimited source of travelling wonder - but Israel has been for me a place to find myself, my roots, my history and most important the path to my future. What travellers realize is that it's often not the place one travels to, but the experience of travelling itself that changes a person. Foreign lands, exotic cultures and unusual and mysterious traditions capture my heart and imagination all year long, but in the summer it's the idea of travel itself that lures me.
Getting on a train, watching the trees and towns whiz by, like skimming through a book, the pages of those lives flipping by.
Travelling by plane and watching the urban jungles shrink away as you soar through the skies.
Disconnecting from your belongings and reconnecting to your senses.
Loosening the ties that bind you and stabilize you and exchanging them for the freedom and uncertainty to jump into the unknown.
Leaving behind schemas and heuristics and replacing them with wide eyed discoveries.
Finding the freedom that comes from leaving behind the person you are, and are expected to be, and for a short time, reinventing yourself into who you yearn to be.

One of the most amazing things I've noticed when travelling is the long lasting impact it has on people. I am one of many Americans who found their way back to Judaism by travelling, and more specifically visiting Israel. The amazing thing however is that I met countless Israelis who also found their way back to Judaism, by travelling outside of Israel.
It seems that leaving your comfort zone, your safety net, offers you the chance to re-evaluate and reconsider your life choices in a way that is extremely difficult to do when you are entrenched in your every day life. Traveling, to me, is about discovering the wonders of the world, but even more amazingly, it’s about discovering yourself.

Someone recently told me that he didnt feel any desire to travel, he can't see the appeal in finding out how others across the globe live or in discovering foreign cultures. I had always taken it for granted that everyone shared this yearning and was really surprised by his disconnection from the rest of the world. My vision of the world seems so drastically different than his in that sense. There isn’t a corner of the earth that I don’t wish I could see, touch, experience or that I don’t want to connect to.
Can you imagine living in a home and never visiting or using the rooms on the second floor? Feeling so detached, like a stranger, in parts of your own house? The idea is so foreign to me. I told him I’d send him some pictures of places I’d been to try and awaken this desire in him but instead I decided to post them here and share them with the rest of you.

I took these pictures in Asia. I only spent a few weeks there, but I dream of returning one day. Being in such a far away place, in such a drastically different setting really emphasized in me the smallness of the universe. We take ourselves so seriously; we see ourselves and our culture and society so ethnocentrically, completely oblivious to the life going on outside of our direct experience. But the amazing thing is that once you get out there, you realize that despite the very radical differences, the human factor remains a constant. I also cant help but appreciate G-d’s wonders when I travel. Just like I realize that G-d created me, travelling reminds me that every bush and hill, every creature, every human was created just like I was. Who am I to dismiss these as irrelevant, if G-d Himself took the time to create all this beauty?

things that make you go hmmm...

2006-06-25T09:41:00.000-04:00

is this where we're headed? creepy...

it's amazing how much we try to control the things we can't change, but completely ignore those that we can..

Watch your thoughts; they become your words.
Watch your words; they become your actions.
Watch your actions; they become your habits.
Watch your habits; they become your character.
Watch your character for it will become your destiny.
- Frank Outlaw.

stop.. wait.. go..

2006-06-21T09:12:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, I was driving down the street, when I approached a red light at the intersection. As I pressed on the break, I noticed 3 little boys crossing the street. They were walking, completely oblivious to the big dangerous machine that was driving towards them. The car stopped and I watched them, calmly strolling across the street, talking about whatever it is 8 year old boys talk about, one of them holding a ball in his hand, neither of them glancing over at my car.

Suddenly I got this thought in my mind, how could they be so careless and indifferent? Didn’t they realize that if I hadn’t stopped the car, I could have hit them? I could have driven right through the street, just as they were crossing! I was amazed at how calm and unaware they were to the danger they had just escaped. I wondered how it was that these three little boys could cross right in front of a potential killing machine without flinching.. and then it occurred to me that the reason they had barely even noticed me was because I was at a red light and they had the green light. It was my time to stop and their time to safely cross the street.

Now I know you’re thinking 'she cant possibly be writing a blog post about the wonders of traffic lights', well you're right, its actually a post about the wonders and beauty of boundaries.

Whether they're boundaries given to us by the Torah, or boundaries we've established in our relationships, I think these serve not only to protect us, but to enable growth and development. Rules or boundaries give us security, and only when we feel secure can we reduce the fear factor and raise the growth factor. When I have set boundaries I am able to explore and dare much more than when I have complete 'freedom'. In a situation without rules, I'm theoritically free to do as I please, but I lack the ability put that into practice because I am constantly worrying about the potential dangers.

Remember when you were a kid and you would jump on the bed? You’d jump in the middle of the bed, up and down and up and down… and then you’d start to get bored and eventually get a little more daring and get closer and closer to the edge. You could only go so far, though, before you'd risk falling off the bed. Now imagine there had been a fence around the bed that would protect you from falling over, you’d have been able to jump across the entire bed, with no fear of tumbling off. The result would be that by adding this barrier you’d have a much greater area to jump on. This seemingly limiting addition would in fact give you more freedom, the freedom to jump around the entire bed area.

Rules and boundaries act in that way, they delimit how far we can go, but contrary to our intuitive reaction, they don’t reduce how much benefit we can get, instead, they increase the range we can benefit from.

So back to those three little boys, if there was no green light for them and no red light for me, they still could have crossed the street, but they’d have no way of knowing when it would be safe. They would need to approximate and evaluate the speed of my car and how long it would take them to get to the other side, they then would run across just to be extra safe, and in the end they’d either make it..
or not..

Removing those traffic lights would in theory grant me the freedom to drive when I wanted to, and them the freedom to walk when they wanted to, but in reality both of us would be worried to cross at the wrong time. The lawlessness would in fact hinder our peace of mind and freedom to cross freely and carefree.

So.. the next time i feel that a rule I've taken on myself, or a boundary I've established in a relationship, is stifling or reducing my range of movement, I'll try to remember the carefree crossing of these three boys and remind myself that it is precisely those ‘constraints’ that give me the freedom to stroll through life with peace of mind while benefiting from a fuller range of experiences.

everybody...

2006-06-19T14:02:00.000-04:00

Everybody
by Stabilo

doesn't anybody know how to walk anymore?
doesn't anybody know what a radio is for ?
doesn't anybody wear their hair down low ?
doesn't anybody know? doesn't anybody know?

doesn't anybody hate it when the street light.. turns red?
doesn't anybody want five more minutes in bed ?
doesn't anybody, doesnt anybody have a letter to send ?
doesn't anybody wish they had just one more friend ?

cause eveybody wants, and everybody needs
everybody asks for one more piece
everybody wants to hear someone say please
cause everybody takes, and everybody steals
everybody cries when somethings feels
everybody is looking for the drug that heals

doesn't anybody wanna take another shot at me ?
go ahead the gun is loaded and bullets are for free
doesn't anybody spray perfume to cover up a smell ?
doesn't anybody know where to go to get some help?

cause everybody wants, and everybody needs,
everybody begs for self esteem
why don't you get your mind out of the past
and everybody takes and everybody steals,
everybody's been kicked by other heels

cause everybody wants...

i love this song. from the first time i heard it, the lyrics just struck a chord with me. it's simple but you can feel that it comes from the heart. it expresses this sentiment i always have lingering in the background, a craving for another time, or another place, where things are simpler, slower. sometimes you get tired of fighting the tide, all by yourself. everything is rushing by, and you're trying to hold on to something, to someone to stop you from getting caught up in the whirlwind.
the amazing thing though is that when you stop and look around, you realize everybody wants that. everyone wants the same things, the same peace of mind. we all yearn for things that are pure and simple and peaceful, but somehow we perceive the world as a big blur, with everyone grabbing and shoving and we end up getting caught up in it.
when I hear this song it reminds me im not the only one out there who wants to just take a step back for a minute, to stop pushing and grabbing, to take a few more minutes to hear and feel and be aware of what’s going on inside of me and to relate to the world realizing that everyone deep down wants the same thing.
Everybody can be heard here, enjoy!

chasdei hashem

2006-06-16T01:38:00.000-04:00

I got a job!
After months on this long and grueling job search I have finally found a job I look forward to starting!
I have written so many resumes, cover letters, emails, thank you notes... but this is the one I've enjoyed writing the most!

Dear G-d,

I am pleased to inform You, that I have accepted the job offer You have sent me. I have enjoyed our many conversations and feel that my experience with this job seeking process has made me a stronger, more confident person. As I mentioned a number of times, I firmly believe that I am ready for this next stage in my life and I am grateful for the confidence you have shown me. Obtaining this job was the first step in achieving my goals and I am eternally thankful for the great opportunity You have provided me with. I appreciate that throughout this long, energy draining, heart-wrenching job search You have not given up on me and have given me the strength to hold on. I am especially thankful for the camaraderie and support I have found in others.

I have spent a good deal of time reviewing this process, and I am confident that it was conducted with my best interest in mind. Although there were times when it seemed like it would never be resolved, and times when I had difficulty making sense of it, it has become abundantly clear to me that a clearly defined plan was being followed. My goal now is to apply the lessons I have learned in this situation to future challenges that arise and I look forward to being able to use these newly developed skills in establishing a long-standing relationship with You. In addition to finding me a job which will help me fulfill my material needs, I especially feel appreciative for the kind of job You have found me. I look forward to utilizing the knowledge and experience I have amassed in an intellectually stimulating yet meaningful way. As my resume indicates, I have been trained in various fields but my career goals have always been to utilize these skills and experiences to work in my community and to develop a closer relationship with my Boss through this work. I strongly beleive that this job offers me a perfect opportunity to use my talents to pursue this goal.

Many thanks again for Your interest in me, for Your patience with me, and for all Your assistance. I am confident that this is the next step in the development of a rewarding and successful relationship between us.

Sincerely,
Anonym00kie

p.s. special thanks to:

joe - for the kick in the butt, for setting my head on straight, for your clear headed advice and most importantly for scrubs

eran - for your patience, your confidence in me, and your kind and caring poopiliciousness

and to the millions and billions and gazillions of others who have had to hear me whine, vent, cry, despair and beg for encouragement, who have helped me out and given me good advice, who have been patient with me and my kookiness and mostly who have given me the energy and the confidence not to give up - you have no idea how helpful you've been.

thank you thank you thank you!

taking the plunge

2006-06-14T09:24:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning to a clogged up toilet.
Plunger in hand, I set in to make things right!
How can you start the day with a blocked toilet drain?!
As I was plunging, I had a thought..
I’m so glad its my toilet .. and not me!

Blessed are You Hashem, our G-d, King of the universe,
Who created the human with wisdom

and created within him many openings and many cavities.
It is obvious and known before Your Throne of Glory

that if but one of them were to be ruptured
or but one of them were to be blocked
it would be impossible to survive and to stand before You.
Blessed are You Hashem, Who heals wondrously

This morning, I said my morning blessings with renewed vigor
thank you hashem for making it all work
my body, my heart, my brain, my mind
thank you for giving me my soul back
thank you for giving me another chance

in a working body

in a working world
and for those days when things are on the blink -

thank you for all the friendly plungers who help me unclog the blockages!

The most overrated pleasure in life is sex;

the most underrated pleasure is a good bowel movement. -Hemingway

you're not the boss of me!

2006-06-12T18:37:00.000-04:00

I keep getting complaints that my posts are too long! I realize that if i shorten them, more people might read them and/or enjoy them, but I’m not blogging to raise my ratings, I’m not blogging to preach and teach, I’m not blogging so others will like me.

I’m blogging because I have a lot on my mind and this is a good place to articulate and analyze my thinking. I like having firm beliefs and strong convictions, but I also strongly believe in thinking critically. Blogging seems to be a great medium to develop my ideas, while getting feedback from others. In examining and verbalizing my beliefs, I get to plays devil’s advocate, I’m able to question my beleifs and feelings and I get to see myself think from an observer's perspective. Isn’t that the basis of critical thinking?

Now I know what you’re all thinking:
do i check my stats?
how often?
doesn’t that prove that I blog for the readers?
why not just keep a private diary if I’m only writing for myself?
I’ll tell you why. Writing in a public domain motivates me to be more sincere and more analytical about what I say. It pushes me to listen to myself more objectively. The readers are not the goal, they are a tool. I don’t think my desire for feedback necessarily means I'm trying to win a popularity contest, it’s simply an additional way to help me figure myself out, my ideas, and where I stand.

I’m sorry for those of you who don’t appreciate my long posts, I promise that when my mind clears up, the world makes sense and I no longer require lengthy posts to verbalize what goes on in my head – ill write shorter posts! (I would however recommend not holding your breath!)

hmm.. I do have a problem now...
This is a short post, and due to my rebellious nature I’m feelnig very uneasy posting this.
How can I write a short post about how I refuse to write short posts to please those who don’t like my long posts?
hmm…
*thinking*
I guess not posting it would make me feel better about not being a sell-out, but I'd be biting my nose off to spite my face and letting others control my behavior which defeats the purpose of being rebellious! i guess that since it only took me this many words to write out my thoughts, and I didn’t write a short post purposely, I am in essence remaining loyal to my goal of posting for myself, and not for others. sincerely and honestly! right??!

hmm.. now if I could only justify why I’m explaining myself to an audience I claim is simply a means to an end…

Round 2

2006-06-08T22:44:00.000-04:00

First of all, thank you all for your thoughts and concerns regarding my last blog post. I’m sorry if it sounded alarmist. Some of you have spoken to me privately asking if I’m alright. I am, thank G-d! Like I mentioned in the comments, I found it really helpful to step into an objective observer’s shoes and see myself and my inner struggles from that perspective.
This post is the continuation, it’s Round 2 of the boxing match!

I wrote my last blog post in 2 stages. The first one I wrote when the event I described actually happened. Feeling intense anxiety after an argument I had with a friend, I decided to jot down what was going though my mind. I wasn’t sure what I would do with it, but I just felt this impulse to record it. I’ve recently been trying to be more aware of these "inner fights" and I'vee been trying to catch them as they happen so I can manage them before they spiral out of control. I wasn’t sure what I would do with it, but without thinking I just started typing.

A few days later I went back to it, this time from a more objective, calmer point of view and reread it and I was amazed to find how disturbing it was. Even though I had said those things in my mind, and even though I had recorded them myself, reading it over was shocking.

This is how I speak to myself?! How sad!

Needless to say I felt perturbed by it, but I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by it. I decided to watch a movie a friend of mine had recommended a while back,
What the bleep do we know? I had heard from a number of friends that it was amazing and inspiring and I figured it would be a good way to step out of my skin and re-focus the way I was feeling.

I wont go into describing the movie. I found it complex, overwhelming, incredible, therapeutic, bewildering... I sat spellbound for 2 hours. There was so much information, such amazing graphics and such deep concepts in it. I’m sure I didn't internalize the bulk of it – but it left me speechless nonetheless.

The movie is controversial and has received opposite reviews. Some love it and completely relate to it, and others consider it complete trash. I just want to mention one part which I loved.

The movie brings up a study conducted by a Japanese researcher named Dr Masaru Emoto about the impact of thoughts, words and feelings on the shape of water crystals. His claim is that the shape of water crystals depends on which human thoughts and feelings were directed at the water before the water was frozen; depending on whether the thoughts were positive or negative, the crystals will turn out beautiful or ugly.
Here are some examples of what he’s found:

Water crytal that was exposed
to a label:
'You Make Me Sick. I Will Kill You'

Water crytal that was exposed to a label 'Love & Thanks'

Water crytal that was exposed
to heavy metal music

Water crytal that was exposed
to prayers

"If thoughts can do that to water, imagine what our thoughts can do to us"

Now, as amazing as this appears, I want to mention that the study is controversial. Dr. Emoto admits that he doesn’t necessarily use double blinding in his experiments, and his evidence is not conclusive according to traditional scientific methodology - but is that reason to dismiss it?

I guess if I was a scientist running my life like a lab, I might write it off.
But I dont want to live my life that way. I beleive there are lessons to be learned everywhere. Free will, the way I understand it, implies that there are no black and white clear-cut answers and proofs when it comes to matters of the soul. If anything is found to help me work on myself and grow, I know that there will be an equal pull in the opposite direction.

I don’t want to get into a whole issue here about science and/or free will, the point is that I think there is merit in the concept displayed in this study, even if it hasn’t yet been scientifically established.

Anyone who has gone through a few minutes of internal self bashing and emotional self mutilation cannot deny the harm it causes. You’re left feeling drained, empty, helpless and completely disconnected. Now, I tell myself, if this is what I feel after one internal fight, and if this is the impact words and thoughts (might) have on water, how much more so should I worry about the impact these thoughts and words have on my long term mental health and personal growth..

If I decided to internalize one thing this week, this is it. The idea isn’t new to me, but like with all my ideas and beliefs I try to continually revisit and re-internalize them on a deeper level. The visuals of these water crystals has given me an additional coping mechanism.

The body is made up in large part of water. Next time I start to feel bad about myself, I start to put myself down, I start to resent myself, ill try to picture, in my mind, all the water particles in my body. I’ll visualize them transforming from beautiful crystals, to broken, ugly ones. Ill try to make myself consciously aware of the damage I am creating. Ill try not to let myself be victimized and take the abuse passively, but ill stand up to ‘myself’ and take an active role in creating my reality.

Someone asked me in the comments on my last post whether I was winning or losing the fight. I don’t think the fight will be won or lost before I reach 120, but at this point, I’m aiming to win... one drop at a time

fight! fight! fight!

2006-06-04T19:40:00.000-04:00

"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

- Tyler Durden

I hate you.
I am so sick of you.
Why do you always mess everything up?
Such a failure.
Don’t you see, you can’t keep anyone close to you, you scare them away, you drive them away with your incessant whining and stupidity.
You’re annoying, you’re demanding, constantly nagging and spewing incoherent nonsense no one cares about.
Look around you, everyone is moving ahead in life. People are happy, people are going places, people are achieving things.
And you?? You?
You’re a lazy good for nothing! You're a failure
Look at how lucky you are, all the cards were stacked in your favour, and what did you do? Nothing! You’ve gotten nowhere! The worst part is that it's all your fault, there's no one to blame. You just can't get it right.
You make me sick.
You repulse me.
And you actually wonder why you’re alone.
I know you, I know you inside out, I know what you’re capable of and I know how much of a failure you are.
Such a waste.
Don’t you see how they all look at you?
Don’t you hear how they talk about you?
Don’t you know what they think about you?
Pity, shame, disappointment.
I just hate you so much!

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.” Sun Tzu

They say ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ but this enermy can't get any closer.
This cancerous enemy destroys me, devours me cell by cell, tears me down.
It lodges itself in the deepest crevices of my being.
Wherever a weakness develops, it plants itself; wherever a doubt arises, it hides.
It manipulates and outsmarts me and I keep feeding it, enabling it.
It suffocates me and I keep giving it room to grow. Its bigger than me.
It continually and ruthlessly hollers at me from within me.

"Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.” -Ezra Taft Benson

But, I’m so tired.
I just want peace and quiet.
I'm tired of the one step forward, two steps back.
I'm tired of the mental ruminations.
I'm tired ot the emotional flagellation.

When does approval overcome rejection? When does acceptance disable judgement? When does self love outsmart hate? When does inner harmony replace inner-discord?
When do I learn to push this enemy out?

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” - Lao Tzu

shavuot 2006

2006-05-31T23:25:00.000-04:00

chag sameach!

happy shavuot

created with Spell with flickr

the WHY CHEAP ART? manifesto

2006-05-29T23:55:00.000-04:00

art grants me freedom from self-imposed confinement!
art rescues me from the undertow of modern madness!
art is an aphrodisiac to cure the mundane!
if fear is the mind killer, then art is the life support!

tell me what art is to you...

once again, thanks gheemaker

in the moment..

2006-05-28T03:58:00.000-04:00

It’s amazing how the memories that pop into my head are rarely the ones that were created at major events. When I lie in bed and daydream, it’s always flashes of emotions that trigger the images in my mind.

I don’t particularly remember my first trip to the kotel, or most of the other times I was there, but I often remember this one time I went there alone, and sat at the back of the plaza and people-watched. I don’t know how long I was there, but I remember the afternoon breeze, I remember the sun setting on the kotel stones and I vividly remember how I felt - this incredible feeling of connection. I don’t remember when it happened, or what I did before or after, but the memory of me sitting there and feeling this moment of complete inner peace never left me.

When I get homesick, I don’t think about all the great things I've done with my family, the big celebrations, the exotic trips or the big family dinners. What comes to mind is the tight hug I got from my dad at the airport before I left to Israel or the phone call to my mom after my big heartbreak and her strong, soothing, non-judgmental voice telling me I made the right decision and I’d be ok.
Sometimes, I think of that Sunday morning in Tsfat, sitting by the window of our hotel room, overlooking Meron, my parents eating fresh figs and me delighting in their newly discovered contentment and serenity.

When I was becoming religious, I attended countless lectures and shabbatons, but one of the moments that stand out in my mind is a Shabbat afternoon I spent with some girls. I don’t remember who the girls were, I don’t remember who’s house we were at, I don’t remember much else of what we did before or after that day, but I remember listening to them sing and talk, and my heart feeling like it had just discovered a secret passageway to a hidden treasure. I remember feeling overwhelmed by how strong those emotions were and wanting desperately to connect to the source of this beauty.
I remember feeling my soul come alive.
And I remember crying so hard thinking that I would never find my way back to this treasure, once it was gone.

I remember that Friday night I spent on the porch of the hostel in tsfat. Traveling on my own, discovering the world, and myself, I took a mattress and sat out facing the mountains. Taking in the mystical beauty of my surroundings, I relished the harmony I felt myself becoming a part of. I remember the cool wind, I remember the graying sky but most of all, I remember the longing I felt deep inside me, that longing to attach myself to my beloved Creator, to the source of me, that mountain, the wind, and that Shabbat. For a moment i disapeared as a distinct entity and became an indivisible part of a connected universe.

I remember that time I prayed alone in an empty classroom, completely surrendering myself to G-d, throwing my head down, and my heart up, and begging for Him to take care of me. I remember opening my eyes at the end of that prayer and feeling surprised that I was still standing there, surprised I was holding a siddur, surprised how nothing around me had changed, and how everything about me had.

I remember random little stolen kisses and glances. I remember that all-night road trip we took, and the deer that crossed the road just as the sun was rising, and feeling like only we existed. I remember that look in his eyes, flowing with so much love. I remember those sad Sunday morning bus rides home and that desperate feeling of not wanting to let go. I remember that last kiss, the smell, the taste, the feel of it. I remember that ripping in my heart and that hopeless feeling that it would never heal.

I remember that feeling of trust and strength and clarity I felt when my friend would sing to me my favorite song before I went to sleep. Late at night, when the world was asleep, she would sing to me, her heart comforting mine through her powerful voice. I dont know if she realized, but sometimes it was the only thing that would quiet the demons inside of me, just long enough for me to fall asleep.

I have so many positive memories. My family and friends have helped me celebrate every milestone and important event in my life; pictures and gifts will attest to that. But what amazes me is that those memories that creep into my mind when I least expect it, are often those that did not seem momentous when they occurred. They are not memories of events but memories of emotions. The strongest emotions, those that left a discernable imprint, are those I experienced fully. Those times when I stopped and let my senses and emotions guide me are the ones that made an impact on my psyche.
It leads me to wonder how many more of these memories I could have if I took the time to really feel and really be and really live in the moment. How much richer would life be if I didnt just survive through each day, but actually took the split second it takes to live with intention, to stop and feel each moment as it comes.

(thanks to my beautiful, talented goldie for that stunning picture of the pink flowers)